Birthing by blogging

Was it worthwhile

2009-06-28T05:49:00.001-07:00

---------------Picture speaks a thousand words--------------------------

sixth week update

2009-03-27T23:24:00.000-07:00

After delivery everybody tells you "wait till the sixth week, if it doesnt resolve itself then go for medication or surgery" for any pain illness you had acquired during pregnancy. Sixth week is some kind of magic number, I dont know why! :)
But they were right in some ways!

1. My carpal tunnel syndrome is almost gone (pooyeey pohchchu! :) veyhaamaana nivaranamey!). I thought that was one scary illness I had developed, because if it sustained I would have a career obstacle and I would have to opt a surgery. As of today, the symptom has gone down to minimal levels!

2. My swollen feet - obviously it disappeared, but the scary thing is my whole leg ballooned up a day after delivery, even my mom freaked out looking at it, but it disappeared very soon (Remember probably you are not draining out your bladder completely, and the bladder is repositioning itself as the uterus is shrinking - try standing up a little bit in the end to empty the whole bladder and this I learnt accidentally and this reduced the lower abdomen pain too.)

3. My weight - hee hee, I start usually with the topic of weight, but now I can start with a hoohhh haaaaaah, well I lost about 20 pounds right on the delivery table I suppose, because that week when I checked the weight showed 20 pounds less, then I saw about 4 or 5 pounds was swinging up and down the following weeks, so practically I had lost only 15 pounds, which in itself is a great number! :)
But then I am still 10 pounds 5kg - fatter than before pregnancy (I gained about 25 pounds 13 kg during pregnancy) and I am about 25 pounds fatter than healthy weight for my height - hee hee hee!!! :) I was fat even before pregnancy.

4.Hemorrhoids/Piles: Almost gone. This is something even the doctors were worried, if I have to opt for surgery - but it isnt any bad anymore, but as you know this can develop again into horrible status, unless I am careful of my diet.

5.Episiotomy stitches and pain: Well this was pretty strange that I didnt feel this much at all, I did see the thread/narambu coming off a little bit on the first few days and before I know it seems all gone, I suppose the piles pain and stitch pain was confused or really the piles pain was so high and overwhelming that this episiotomy pain was never realized - whatever it is, it never felt bad at all.

6.Engorgement: It took me a while to get out of this, (since my babies were at NICU) practically freaked out my gynec a little bit too - I suppose mine was either too big or too red than what she had seen before - she kept asking me is it too painful and I had been informing her, no not yet, the nurses who were deputed to care for me, reminded me of Hitler's NAZI troup with their hot water formentation techniques! For me this whole engorgement thing was crazy unexpected, (I totally didnt know, didnt expect, nobody told me, I carelessly missed reading it in the book!) one positive moment it felt really funny looking like Pamela Anderson, another stupid second it felt Orangutan's ass or something - yeah red too. Believe me it goes away, it disappears as all the book says, probably engorgement levels are different for every woman, whatever it is, it goes away soon, if not in 48 hours at least in a week and things turn back to being soft and normal. If you arent breastfeeding, some normal hand extraction, and some normal hot water treatment should resolve it, dont let anybody torture you or scare you!

NEW PROBLEMS:
Knee pain: To my utter surprise, after about 4 weeks I realized I have severe knee pain every time I squat and stand up, since the babies are in traditional thottil and since tables are low where I mix the milk, I practically squat or half squat and stand up atleast 25 times in a day and it is scary to feel the pain everytime, because knees are crucial for long term health. I wonder if calcium really got depleted out of there! I am taking quite healthy diet (thanks to amma) and milk but no calcium tablets yet.

Pelvic/Public pain: I realize this only when I walk about a km or atleast 10 minutes on the road. When I am home and walking between rooms, I dont realize it. This is not pain/pain as such, but some strange discomfort that makes walking very clumsy and a bit miserable as if the crucial tectonic plates of woman system are rearranging themselves. (I and prax have hypothesized that it may go away if we start walking/exercising regularly - hopefully so!)

Back pain: No I dont have it yet. May be because I didnt choose epidural, no injections on the spine and I am not breastfeeding sitting up every 2 hours yet! I have been forewarned that back pain starts 3 months after delivery! I have learnt from ammani that Yoga relieves it! So expecting it with solution in hand!

SHOULD YOU BELIEVE IN STATISTICS?
When you are pregnant every statistics relies on whether you are above 35 or below 35 and I had a very interesting time with it. Because I was born in 1974 March and got pregnant in 2008 expecting to deliver in April 2009 which made the doctors get confused whether I am 35+ category since I am expected to deliver a month after crossing my birthday! And the really funny fact is my babies became premature and I delivered one month before turning 35!!! :))) ...
So if anybody does research with the hospital data with my data in it, I am messing up their entire hypothesis/research agenda beautifully - hee hee!!! :)

Conclusions, Limitations and Future Work

2009-03-17T14:18:00.000-07:00

I know I had a very easy delivery - pain wise, I prepared well for it, I messed up in understanding team psychology because I was unprepared! I am reading back my previous blog and I feel that I have not mentioned how easy and smooth it was in many ways - I was in very good hands - technically extremely capable people, and I just wanted a more than normal level of affection and interaction but couldnt get it because of fate (last minute change) and some irresponsibility on my side in taking charge even in the last minute - I could have worked on making it more pleasant :))) ... I know there are people who go through hell at labour ward both technically and emotionally, I should admit I was in good hands, with the state of the art technology beside my babies!

We belong to the generation of women, who arent just satisfied with a man who is just handsome, we want him to love us too right?! :) It isnt enough he is good, it is important he thinks you are good too right?! We have moved ahead in our expectations and wants, and the same goes with delivery/birthing. Pain has been the focus for a long time now, and pain relief is available in many forms these days, you can choose the ethnic versions (pranayama), french version (lamaze) to epidural and what nots. PAIN isnt a problem anymore. We shall focus on how we can make the experience more pleasant. I suppose I wanted a happy team work, a trusting teammate and memorable interaction, a fantasy ideal doula world I wished for - but didnt work on, that has been the biggest limitation.

1. Always write down a birthing plan, in paper, in print, sign it and keep it. Write in detail exactly how you would like to be treated and what are your preferences regarding positions, pain relief technique or medication, information you would want to be given to you on the spot etc. This helps in two ways, one it lets you remain peaceful that your wants have been expressed and it lets your teammate in delivery (doctor) know what you want, and s/he has a reference. It is extremely helpful if you end up with a last minute doctor change - like I had. Yes I didnt write down because first of all, birth plan sounds as funny and ridiculous as pre-nuptial contract, and second of all, I actually talked out all my anxieties and gained a lot of trust with my doctor and I totally didnt expect I wouldnt have him in the last hour!
It is important because there is no way you would have the energy, conscience or clarity to speak while in labour. Its best your man or amma knows the details and hands over the paper to the doctor.
Yes it could be completely ignored or found ridiculous by the other parties, but what matters is that you have done your part to make the experience as pleasant as possible and you have taken the responsibility. Chances are your wishes will come true.

While being rushed to the labour room, just ask if your family member is allowed inside, you never know when the rules can be flexed!

Most important of all, have fun with yourself, if the team sucks! :) There is no point in expecting team pleasure, if there has been no interaction before. Even if you get 5 minutes take the time to befriend a nurse and shamelessly request kindness in any direct or indirect way possible. There is atleast one out there in the team who would like to be on your side, if you had tried. Remember request, communication, outward appreciation all goes in a long way for a partner support in team play.

Even at the craziest most challenging hour keep communicating on what you wish for - there is a possibility that it is respected and you are given what you wish for - dont give up.

In the end life's experiences is all about how much you have made an effort to make it more pleasant and it is never about what others have done.

Take charge of your life, of your hours, of your moments, and you can make it as pleasant as you can.

Because, Theethum nanrum pirar thara vaaraa! :))))) ...
And ofcourse, where there is a will there is a way.

dumbu yoneeswari at the delivery table

2009-03-16T03:58:00.001-07:00

March 16 2009: My babies are due 34 days from now. But they are already 1 month old tommorrow! :)
STORY OF A PREMATURE NORMAL DELIVERY OF TWINS:
From Feb 16th 3:30pm to Feb 17th 3:30am:
3:30pm: Water break - not yellow but whitish transparent pee like, somewhat sticky, odorless. Happened in small flows, about every half hour as google search said. By the second flow I knew it was 90% amniotic fluid, but I was still hoping it wasnt. It was my mom who told me it would be sticky, from the books I read I was expecting a mucus plug and blood to show up first before the fluid! hmmm ... hardly did I know then the next 24 hours I wouldnt have much correlation between my knowledge and upcoming experience!
5pm: Prax came back from his lab class and I informed him about my doubt whether it was amniotic fluid that I saw. He got anxious and insisted I call my gynec on phone, but I wanted to postpone, because I was embarassed by the thought what if it was just pee?! or hoping that it was just that.
Nevertheless called the doc after second flow. I was asking a dumb question, "doctor can I find out if it was pee or amnio?" just to be sure I am not creating an embarassing false alarm, but he already panicked and asked me to come immediately.
6pm: It was scary when I was given priority and sent inside the doctor's room while the clinic was overflowing with pregnant women anxiously waiting for his consultancy. He asked me to cough while at the table, I dont know what he checked, but he came out and said I might deliver in 24 hours, and said it is better to transport the baby in the mother's uterus to the NICU, than in an ambulance - so it is safe to deliver at the NICU hospital and not with him. He called up the doctors, gave a reference letter and asked us to rush immediately after giving me a triple steroid injection - for lung maturation of babies and told me the next three will be given by the next doctor.
7pm: So we came home packed and went to a destination hospital in a nearby city and to a doctor whom we have never met! All the big plans, decisions, visits, on choice of doctor and hospital and room, everything is meaningless at this point. Absolutely no pain yet. I am still hoping this whole thing is going to pause, something like Braxton Hicks, and that this is all unnecessary waste of tension for everyone! But had a big gush stepping into the home, confirming atleast one whole pack of fluid is already drained possibly - DARN.
8:30pm: Arrived and admitted at the city hospital, waited for the doctors to arrive. I got a bad menstrual cramp like pain in my back, nothing like a contraction - or atleast nothing like what I imagined the pain would be, there was no timing of pain, nothing of that sort. You know phase one, where you breathe upto stomach, phase two, phase three, all those lamaze class techniques, none of those pains were coming in, so I wasnt practicing any breathing yet ... Somewhere in the Nutan pandit book I remember she mentioning about "back labour" and I thought may be I am having "back labor" or simply that the twin who is at the back is starting to march first.... I asked my amma, does it pain like a really intense menstrual cramp - and she said "could be, possibly." I couldnt lie down my back was going crazy, I couldnt sit on the bed, I went down to the floor and sat on the floor with legs stretched and that felt better, and I was still expecting anxiously some big contraction to hit me like a thunder anytime. The nurse was surprised I chose to sit on the floor when there was a comfortable reclinable bed, I gave an embarassed smile and said, "really bad back pain, I am happy here" and she noted down - "no abdominal pain - no contractions, only back pain." I hated the fact that I couldnt lie down and it was late night.
11:30pm: The doctor finally arrived and asked me to lie down and I practically pleaded to her, "I cant please, can you check pressure in any other position?" - she looked puzzled and somehow quickly realized something and started scolding the nurse, "why didnt you call me early enough?" and she scolded me too "who asked you to go for walking with twin babies? you are supposed to be in bed rest" - she was getting annoyed, irritated and I could sense things are possibly getting out of hand for her. She told me "I believe in conservative management, I was expecting to stop the progress of labour, but here you are ready to go to the labour room"? KYAAAAAA?!!! Suddenly a wheel chair came into the room and I was taken in it to the labour room.
Midnight: I begged the nurses to let me sit up, lying down was miserable. Still no contractions that I sensed! I wanted to give an elaborate lecture on how WHO insists that every labouring woman should deliver in her position of choice and that she should be allowed to freely move around and take any position, etc..., but I could barely say "please sister please can I sit up" which met a strong and obstinate "NO" from the nurse. Finally the doctor stepped into the room and I asked her again and she said "okay" I havent felt that happy ever in my life - it was such a relief to sit up, but hardly did I know that was only a five minute break and I was expected to lie down again, because they wanted to monitor the babies and me lying down was best for that!!! It is at this point I started to realize "I" am of least importance to them. "Birthing" my dear blog readers is about empowering the mother to make all the decisions and go according to her wishes! THIS WASNT BIRTHING. When I asked the nurse - "have I dilated already - how much?" she replied "the doctor will know that, you dont worry." No, not rudely, but kindly. MAN!!! I am not going to know even how much I am dilated, I know this is not going to be any birthing to any measure, this is going to be 100% pure vanilla delivery experience. This was definitely disappointing. I asked the doctor when she came in, gathering all my hopes "doctor, how much have I dilated?" and she said "you were dilated 5cm already, thats why we couldnt postpone your labor" FIVE CM!!! And I thought that was the hardest part and I have already crossed it and didnt know?!!! And here they were already starting to ask me "ARE YOU READY TO PUSH" - but that is phase III in the book, when did I cross both the phases?! But doctor I have no contraction I said and they were all getting annoyed, anxious, irritated, frustrated, at this point, making me feel like "dumbu yoneeswari" and "crazy clueless-eswari" at the same time! THAT MY DEAR BLOG READERS WAS THE MOST TERRIBLE PART OF MY DELIVERY EXPERIENCE. Not the pain. But this psychological pressure, this performance anxiety, this aspect of loss of self respect and identity. Not the pain. Atleast not for me. Usually when I dont see any "humane treatment" towards my self respect I completely shrink down, shut up, give up, go into some yogi mood, and that happened right there. I go as far as resignation, quit the continent, divorce, you know I take to extremes at the very sign of lack of respect for my self-identity. In a delivery table since I couldnt run away 20,000 miles, all that I could do was just shrink into my conscience and shut out every expectation and communication.
THE BIGGEST UNCONSCIOUS MISTAKE: Our highest hope that prax would be allowed into the delivery/birthing room was given up earlier, because my regular gynec and the hospital doesnt permit that. But at this new hospital I suppose it is permitted, but I didnt know. In my yogic/cynic trance state at 1am or so when everybody was expecting me to PUSH, and screaming at me "PUSH. PUSH. PUSH" I was only hoping to sit up or stand for 3 seconds atleast, the doctor asked me "do you want your husband or mother with you here?" The question slowly went into my brain, and my brain was processing an answer, and believe me it was 24 hours later or so, I wondered why I didnt immediately ask for prax. The fact is there was pitocin or some labor induction going on through the IV and the pain was made artificially intense and I was hyper anxious over the "performance anxiety" that I completely missed the GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY which I regret the most. After all I needed only one human to be fully confident of me, to hope completely in my potential, for me to regain the courage and energy to perform and I didnt use the opportunity. They could have simply let one of them in, and definitely prax if he can bear it, but man, I cant believe I didnt answer. I was just so overwhelmed so embarassed so disappointed with my dumbu yoneeswari role there that I had shut down myself at all levels. I have this terrible nature in me, I resign even from my own self I suppose.
THE STUPIDEST BLUNDER MISTAKE: When they all were going "PUSH, PUSH, PUSH" in completely frustrated yet hopeful anxiety, and asking me to do it when the NEXT CONTRACTION Comes and me still wondering "WHAT IS A CONTRACTION REALLY?!" and under public pressure I was trying to push nevertheless, instead of holding my breathe to push, I was deep breathing and doing BLOW BLOW BLOW - you see I was confused under all pitocin, and without any reference, I didnt know what phase or stage I was in. The technique I was using was for "relaxation/pain relief" and not pushing. To push you hold your breathe and go "GRRRRRRR...." non stop. It took me quite a while and my doctor's real anger to tell myself I am doing something really wrong! In between I overheard a nurse getting anxious if this case will end up as ceasarean! I was just wondering why she was worried - no not angrily but seriously I was wondering what that could imply - good news or bad news or may be she was just too sleepy to assist a surgery at that unplanned hour!!! :) I am so happy and proud today that it was normal delivery, I am happy I finally figured to push on time!
SHIT MATTERS: No, I wasnt given enema, which I very much expected. I suppose there was no time for that. I still dont know if I shat on the delivery table or not! I cant believe the babies came out after all that DARN PUSH, the table looked clean when I stepped out after 15 minutes - either the janitor and nurses were super good and fast or I really didnt shit! NO IDEA.
2:50am: My legs were forcefully held on the stirrup and something really really absolutely insane was done down there for me, and nothing was told then and I only sensed disappointment over my yet not pushing problem, Finally I GRRRRRRRed very very hard and out came Kudukudusamy. No I didnt know the gender right away, no I didnt see the baby either, no I didnt dare to ask, you see after four people have pressed your legs hard in a stirr up and somebody had violently put their hand in your most vulnerable part, and nobody talking kindly to you, you loose even the courage to ask if that thing they took out is yours or not and you are just happy that everybody has stopped saying "PUSH" now!
3:03am: Then came the even more comical delivery of my twin II, this time, my tummy felt very light, since one person is out already, and no contraction I am sensing, and they are asking me to push with the next contraction, and I am still wondering "WHAT IS A CONTRACTION?" and in addition "BUT I FEEL NOTHING IN MY TUMMY TO PUSH OUT", but I was so scared of all the people around and their frustration, and I was trying hard to GRRRRRRRRR and push, and it felt like a complete idiotic miracle when the baby came out, ... DID I REALLY PUSH THAT THING OUT MYSELF? I wondered! The pediatricians were hyper anxious and the babies were rushed out. The placentae both came together pretty soon - and at the delivery table I remembered I had still not checked in the google how twin placenta come out, one by one, before the second one's birth does first placenta come out and all that and there I was according to my doctor shedding both the placentae together.
3:15am: The doctor seemed more relaxed now, and told me "you can relax now your job is done" but what is she doing there for the past 15 minutes? Was there an episiotomy? Is there so many stitches? What takes 15 minutes of doctor work there? 24 hours later she told me "since they were premature babies, their cranium is too fragile to handle a normal first time birth, so I gave your a BIG episiotomy, I am sorry if we could have planned better we could have done a ceasarean for you." I was already very happy that all drama was over and I respected her for all the effort in spite of showing up in the 11th hour at her refuge.
3:30am: I was in my room and ready to sleep! There was a confusion whether it was two boys or one boy and one girl!!! Some nurses thought this way, others that! Half an hour later, the doctor officially informed us it was one boy, one girl. I slept happily, not because I have become a mother, but purely purely purely because nobody was asking me to PUSH PUSH PUSH anymore and I was causing no disappointment anymore. I was happy to be with myself but was getting nightmares and waking up! It was not a physical trauma but a psychological trauma for sure!
7:00am: The janitor girl came to clean up the room, and somehow I felt like talking to her. And she joked with me that she has never seen such a delivery, how come I didnt shout or curse the gods or atleast my mother! She even told me at somepoint I seem to be smiling too. I felt very happy with that compliment. I wish whatever she told was true. I have no recollection. I dont remember screaming. But I remember polambifying "amma, amma, katuvule" especially frustrated over not being able to sit up. I remember feeling so embarassed about disappointing everyone not being able to push as they wanted. I asked prax whether I was screaming, he told me he could only hear the doctor shouting "PUSH, PUSH..." So I suppose I didnt scream as in movies! But when the doctor told me next day "my god what a scene you made, how much you shouted" I couldnt figure out if that was real or a joke! I suppose she joked. I couldnt figure out. Because she was very frustrated at the delivery room but nice to me after that - the next 10 days she was very kind to me as I cared for my kids at NICU!
She saw me only at 11:30pm and in four hours she has performed the most challenging task of my life, I respect her for taking me in the last minute and giving her best shot. We are home today, March 16th with the two babies and I suppose there is no point talking about birthing anymore! :) No, not really. I have a daughter. If I could I will help her decide on her BIRTHING choices, keep her informed and give her the courage to make independent decisions even at the delivery table, epidural or pranayama or ceasarean she shall choose happily!

We will, we will, rock you!!!

2009-02-27T22:42:00.000-08:00

Kudukudusamy and thoppailakshmi are here!On 7th month last day kudukudusamy broke his waters and we were asked to rush to a city hospital, with NICU capacity.
Kudukudusamy born at 2:50am on Feb 17th after about 4 hours of figuring out I am indeed in labor! And thoppailakshmi who had no plans to come out was forced to come out, (ARM - Artificial rupture of membrane!) at about 3:03am.
Normal Delivery! Huge episiotomy to care for their cranium says the doctor. It isnt too bad. I am recovering well (except for the horrible return of hemorrhoids!)

Both their lungs were fully functional - is the good news - so they didn't need a ventillator even though they needed NICU. Only warm temperature and slow feeding sessions to ensure their guts are ready!

They were 2kg(tl) and 1.8kg(kk) each.
They are still upstairs being nursed through IVs and spoons.
I am at the hospital recovering very well.
Going nuts with breast milk extracting issues. Though it is unfortunate that I am barely able to touch my babies, (so far twice in one week!), atleast I see them everyday through a glass window, the blessing in disguise is that it is giving me time to get ready at all levels!

Yes they dont have names yet - they remain Twin 1, Twin 2! We are still figuring out the name part!!! :) No anchor bolts planted on the ceiling yet to hold their thottil! :))) ...

The first day when I saw thoppailakshmi crying her lungs out at NICU, all that I can imagine was two really loud stereos, like in the rock music concerts going in full blast singing "WE WILL, WE WILL, ROCK YOU!" ... :))) Barely 2kg, yet she was kalakkufying NICU room! I found that so funny. For some reason I was in a very happy mood that day!!! Hormones really. Or may be I was happy one big responsibility was over!

Rest of the gory details will be released may be in 20 days or in 20 years, I have no idea. :))) ... Or may be I might be so frustrated I might write 20 blogs in a day! :))) ...

Blog written (23/02/09) at hospital and posted by prax (28/02/09).

update as of 28/2/09: kk is off the NICU with mom though in his warmer.
tl is soon to follow. so far- it's as good as it gets...

water break or simply a pee accident?

2009-02-16T02:32:00.000-08:00

I didnt think of writing this blog today morning. I thought of writing about how to avoid NICU. I wanted to write I am hoping between a piscean and an april fool to be born. Today morning at the walk for the upteemth time we calculated our weeks and I said "March 10" is good enough - I am in a hurry to get them out and my doctor said after 34 weeks you are good to go! But prax insisted its better on 37th week - after Mar 24, ideally April 1. He was saying we will consider a planned ceasarian it it takes after April 1. This is a regular talk we had been having again and again now, usually the conversation ends by me saying "but you dont have a name yet" and if my mom joins in she says "you havent drilled the anchor bolts on the ceiling yet for the thottil" - tell me about being very unprepared we are the very specimens of it!

But the crazy thing is I had been very tired today morning after the walk and breakfast - tired not physically exhausted or painful, but just very sleepy and slighly nauseated. I ate less than normal lunch and went to sleep - a deep one indeed. I woke up just now at 3:30pm. As usual went straight to pee, because there is always pee ready to happen, finished that duty - emptied the bladder (or so I thought) and entered the kitchen to wonder if I can drink or snack something.

There was barley water waiting, I heated it with more water, waited at the kitchen and added a litte bit of sugar to it and poured it into the cup and just took one sip and guuuuuuusssssshhhhh, "god damn it, I am peeing at 34 in my pants, I just peed and came" thats all I could think and went to the bathroom. Sitting in the toilet bowl suddenly it dawned to me that this could be water break. MAN OH MAN. I am barely 31 weeks old. I didnt smell like urine obviously.

Came and discussed with my mom. She kept asking me if its too sticky. I dont know. I wasnt observing. She said wait and see if it happens again.

"But I dont have any pain! I am feeling absolutely normal, well rested, just now I woke up from a good sleep" ... Didnt expect. Am not yet expecting water break. Hopefully it is not. But a pee accident, damn?! I feel awkward. is it possible?

The kiddor or atleast one is still doing prabhu deva dance inside!

Sitting in a chair and doing google search on "pre mature rupture" "water break" etc. etc. and learning its possible to have such breaks. Only crazy thing is I could be put in bed rest now if its true. SIGH. Or may be if the babies really want to get out right away I have to go to steroid routine or NICU. SIGH more! Hopefully not.

Gestational Diabetes - Nahin Nahin

2009-02-13T22:12:00.000-08:00

The problem with having kids who appear bigger than normal is that, it could be an indicator of gestational diabetes, especially if you are as fat as me, or as old as me! :) I am 34 and right now 76kg+!!! :) But surprise surprise, there is no gestational diabetes - we have done fasting blood sugar and post prandial blood sugar! Actually I was expecting some border line diabetes at least, not just that I was fat before pregnant, and had been fat for at least 10 years before I got pregnant, but both my amma and appa are having diabetes now and are taking tablets!

I was just feeling that I might have at least border line gestational diabetes, if not a serious one, but then it would have been only one more month of medication, since it is only up to delivery, that was a hope! :) But I am surprised that my FBSL is somewhere near 65 or so and PPBSL is somewhere near 75 or so, which is seemingly terribly low!!! The cut off is somewhere at 140! Crazy haan? Anyway, one test out of the way.

I dont have to google search now what it means to my kids if I have gestational diabetes and what is the side effect of taking medicine for that and all that scary crazy stuff of last month!

Protein recipes for third trimester

2009-02-11T20:15:00.000-08:00

I get a lot of advice on eating protein rich diet in third trimester and to reduce on fat and carbohydrate to make sure the baby doesnt become too big. So here are some things I am trying!

For breakfast pesarettu (green gram thosai) is an interesting option. Definitely much better than adai in digestive capacity. Adai causes unnecessary flatulence! Pesarettu gives good protein and easy digestion and tastes great as adai!
The recipe is here:
http://adukkalai.blogspot.com/2007/01/blog-post.html

I also love "raagi puttu". In general I like puttu, and hence raagi puttu is great. Its as easy to make as regular puttu. What I used to do is simply mix ragi flour in water (no not even hot water, regular water) and keep mixing with hands slowly for a long time, until you get the puttu consistency - its a little tricky, if you add too much water you will end up with kozhukkattai (which isnt too bad either! :))) ...). You steam cook it in idli vessel along with some coconut scrappings. For ragi puttu, vellam tastes much better than white sugar. You dont have to make paaku out of vellam, just add vellam! :) And ofcourse some ghee to it will taste heavenly. You can eat it as such, or with banana. Usually I take rice puttu with milk, but ragi puttu doesnt seem to be that great with milk! :)

But then recently I learnt from my amma a small correction, I should have roasted the ragi flour a little bit before mixing with water! Like the way we roast rava before making upma! So put the ragi flour along with ghee or butter a little bit (if you want flavor!). Dont roast too much, just enough to make it a little hot (may be five minutes!). This roasted ragi flour will give better consistency to puttu and avoid puttu turned kozhukkattai mishaps! :) By the way ragi kozhukkattai with ragi flour, vellam and coconut ofcourse tastes amazing good! :)

My mom also told me we can make upma out of the roasted ragi flour. This is done just like rava upma. She adds onion, curry leaves, chillies - but as you know it looks more like a kazhi than upma, because its a flour not a rava. But it tastes good for sure. You can have it with ketchup! :)

My anni started me with ragi thosa, I had it first at her place. You can add ragi straight to "uLunthu maavu" and make thosa. Or you can even add ragi to old thosa flour and make ragi thosa!
She usually makes more uLunthu maavu while grinding for regular rice dosa, and keeps some in the fridge separately for making ragi dosa later! This worked out great for us. The happy part of ragi thosa is that no matter how much we mix, thosa comes out fine! :) I really dont know the exact proportions! You can indeed add a lot of ragi flour, and ofcourse some water to the ulundu maavu. It absolutely doesnt stick to the tawa - even in my worst tawa, I have made excellent ragi thosa!

Prax and I also invented our own mix chappaththi. We mix wheat flour with ragi flour and make chappaaththies often. Proportions dont matter, it always comes out great!

Today my mom taught me that, the problem of sticky thosa in the tawa is mainly because of making chappaaththi! (I never knew that!). So she told me if you have made chappaaththi, make sure you rub a lot of oil or use bellary onion to clean up before pouring dosa. Or the ideal situation is when you have a separate tawa for chappaaththi and a separate one for dosa! :))) ...

And ofcouse in these protein recipes, the most obvious and the most easy, and the most traditional one shouldnt be left out! CHUNDAL. Today morning I had simple groundnut chundal. Groundnut soaked all night. Boiled in the morning. Fresh carrot, cucumber, onion, a little bit of green chillies, some coriander leaves added to it - like a salad! Tasted absolutely delicious. As you know you can make chundal out of many legumes and sometimes we add coconut and curry leaves fried in oil to the chundal as served in temples. My mom says that in her home they used to have chundal as breakfast along with a banana, once a week! I learnt from prax's family about puttu, payiRu pappadam combination! (Just cook green gram with little bit of salt, mix it with unsugared puttu and roasted pappadam - traditional kerala dish!). My anna often sprouts the legumes and makes chundal for his kids and sends them in his snack box. Prax is also a big fan of sprouting, and these days we get excellent sprout makers in plastic and it works like a miracle - clean good sprouts - out of green gram and bengal gram!

As a side note, I want to add that I learnt yesterday from google that "water melon" is an absolute miracle fruit for third trimester! I never knew! I had bought one, only because I thought every other fruit was fattening and I was getting bored with them. Before eating too much of water melon I wanted to check if it was okay to eat them and I learnt that it surely prevents pre-eclampsia and has numerous other benefits in third trimester!

Give me a high five kiddos - great 30th week

2009-02-10T06:07:00.000-08:00

Sizes excellent (unbelievably bigger!) - they are both two weeks ahead in growth! They seem to be 32-33 weeks old by all parameters, when indeed by date they are only 30 weeks old by my LMP! It almost feels like I probably conceived them in June and not really in July!!! But indeed not only did I have my periods in July, I actually did a urine test to confirm I wasnt pregnant only a day before that! So I dont know whats up with my kids :) May be its just true that twins mature faster until 30th week and then slow down.

Foetus A:
BPD: 78mm
Head circum: 292mm
Abdomen circum: 286mm
Femor length: 61mm
EFBW: 1923gms

Foetus B:
BPD: 83mm
Head circum: 301mm
Abdomen circum: 276mm
Femor length: 63mm
EFBW: 1930gms

YEAH I am carrying practically 4kg of babies - I cant believe it! Thats a little bigger than a single normal full term baby - and I cant beleive it is not that strenous on me yet. I am happy that they are of good size, though I am now getting a little worried what would happen as they grow further!!!

Internal cervical os closed (which is great news!). Cervix measures 34mm in length (same as in 18th week u/s)

Placentae Grade 2 maturity (not bad for 30th week)
Cardiac activity - regular (167bpm and 134bpm)

Greatest News: Both in cephalic presentation (which means both are head down - excellent for normal natural birth - one head is actually engaged already - pretty down there, if they are born in the same position the left person will come out first and the right one would follow later! (but its only 30th week I should be really lucky if the position continues till delivery!) I so much wish that it would mean I could deliver early and not keep my kids in the NICU either!!! :) Wishing for too much. What if I can deliver a month ahead two healthy babies!!! WOW that would be great! :)

We had excellent interaction with our ultrasound doctor today. He was very kind and patiently explained to us all details. We were actually asking for color doppler 3D ultrasound (because we wanted to see everything about our baby) and he educated us that color doppler is done only in cases where there is some medical problem - he taught us that though its fun for parents to see the external structure the internal structures cant be evaluated when we do 3D. So medically a regular 2D ultrasound is the best for diagnosis. We were grateful he explained to us very well and agreed for the regular 2D. For the rest of you who are interested in 3D images, especially if you have twins, the best time supposedly is during the 18th week ultrasound! We missed that.

A day before third ultrasound

2009-02-08T10:58:00.000-08:00

It is 12:34 am. The moon is shining beautifully outside - there is a pleasant white light in front of our windows. The moon has gone up and not visible from the window, only its blissful light it out there. Today is thai poosam, I didnt have the patience to learn about it all online - my right hand fingers are permanently numb and I am minimizing computer hours. I am (im)patiently waiting for my 3rd ultrasound results. I hope its all good news. At 30th week, we twin pregnant women are almost at 38weeks+ physically, so you can imagine how crazy impatient I am getting to! I snore like a thunder - nostrils totally close down and the lungs are pressed up and the heartbeats are always higher. Yes the pressure levels are perfect, even though my feet has swollen with edema that can give an eye sore for the viewer! But I am still doing my very long walks morning and evening, especially because I really see how good I feel physically after the walk, though the evening one is more tiresome.

I had an oil bath two days ago. A proper one. Suddenly felt like it, and had it. I should say it felt better. But it should have been the papaya that I had - even though only a small quantity that caused the havoc yesterday, or may be the combination. Yesterday was a crazy day for the entire digestive system from the oesophagus down to the varicose swellings. So I am really enjoying the healthy tummy today. Aah how good it feels to be normal and healthy. I think of how my body felt on Feb 2007. When will I get it back! :)

There was an interesting metaphor I heard about the upcoming delivery day. It is going to be filled with thunder and lightning! Contractions on the pelvis supposedly feels like thunder and the pain that travels down the nerves are like that of lightning! :) And ofcourse there is the big shower of water break to go along with the whole rain analogy! :) I always feel positive about rain, even if it were a thunderstorm! As expected I am already having "lightning" sessions down my legs, these days. This is a sharp shooting pain that travels just for a fraction of a second, its gone before you can tell anyone that it pained! :) Happens especially when you walk. IT almost feels like my body wants me to know what is to come and getting me ready for it.

My kids till wake up around 4,8,12 schedule. They were squeezing around just about when I started this blog and they have gone to sleep again now. At 4, they may get some idly and vengaya chutney in their amniotic fluid! They listened to Hariprasad Chaurasia (live!) and Abdul Kalam this week. So I am being a good mother you see!!! :)

Other than that, the utmost deepest real truth is that, this pregnancy thing and upcoming motherhood still feels like a very strange dream that I am going through and I feel like I would wake up and none of it would be true anymore!!! :) I dont know what this denial is all about or this disbelief. It is pretty hard to be completely convinced that there are two human beings sitting inside you. I might get better confirmation tommorrow at the scan!

Boredom for the unborn

2009-02-04T23:45:00.000-08:00

I think most third trimester first pregnancy women start to feel bored with being pregnant and are desperately waiting to have the baby delivered! Only the mothers who have already delivered keep warning that life is worse after the child comes out, so enjoy when they are in, when feeding, diapering, sleeping, everything is taken care of by the system itself! :) Being a first time mom, I very often wish that time runs faster, even though I am always worried about pre-mature birth. I only want the time to run, not the baby to be born early. I understand uterus is the best NICU in the world. But I cant hide the fact that I so much wish it were April right now! :)

Suddenly today morning it occurred to me that it is possibly even more boring for the kids inside me, with occasional murukku, banana, coffee chocolate, mushroom soup, sugar, water, samba rice, spicy pulikolambu and all sorts of things keep entering its system - it was funny watching national geographic today how after 30 weeks the baby stick their tongue out and taste the amniotic fluid as the food passes through the mother and one specific fetus reacting to garlic and very spicy food!!! :) Never thought these are possible. Ofcourse I know by experience "sugar" and "coffee" does wake up my kids to thump me around. Other than food, ofcourse the crazy rocking that happens as I walk around in the morning or evening. But how terrible I imagine it would be to be squeezed inside in such a dark small watery space, cramped up with feet and arms rolled up! While thinking so I am at least happy that they might have by now explored that there is somebody else in the dark space out there, reacting to them, and possibly have started inventing games to play in the dark - so says some 4D doppler studies of twins and multiples. I will confirm to you in the blog if indeed my twins giggle and enjoy playing with a thin screen between them - they supposedly soon discover a cloth to hide behind and play with the other kid punching and giggling from the other side! It is said that they remember the game from the uterus and play it until toddler-hood!

I also saw in National Geographic today something about fetal experiments - one very simple one sounded quite interesting. The mother has to simply pick a particular children's rhyme and say it loud everyday. After the child is born the rhyme is again recited and they have discovered that it pacifies the kid - heart beat reduces, and it sort of sedates the kid even - some kind of blissful peace of familiar sound!!! Interesting isnt it? I dont know if I should listen to classical music and all that hi-fi stuff, I am just so dumb when it comes to music, I cant get the head and tail of enjoying it, I definitely love a song for its words mostly! :)

Suddenly this idea that my kids are getting bored as much as I am, the idea of fetal experiments is provoking a genuine curiosity in me, whether I should start, observing and experimenting, ofcourse ofcourse in a very careful harmless way, have something for them to look forward to, set a routine, a rhythm?

For example if I pick the very pious and auspicious "kausalya supraja rama poorva sandhya..." and then just make it fun as "madura peRRa kittanE kizakillE sunthaan uthiththathE" :)))) ... Now dont scorn at me. It is said, the fetus only listen to the rhythm and not the words, as long as I keep the tune the same as original I am not doing any unjustice to the original song, while this crazy transliteration would make me have fun! :) I mean crazy fun.

February - wow wow

2009-02-01T22:41:00.000-08:00

1. I am happy its February. It will be over sooner than other months. Then it would be March. By April I am done with my pregnancy project. WOW WOW. February is a great month. It runs fast! :)

2. If I dont dry my clothes one day, if I havent gone for a walk one evening, I am sure the people in the campus have already had a bet that I have delivered, and its atleast Rs.1000 worth of a bet I suppose! :) Because my tummy is so big, that I look like I should have delivered long ago! I cant get out of the co-operative store "bill lane" really - honestly - no not even the side turn, I cant go through with any twist. And I just have two dresses that fit my tummy now. :)

3. My right hand is turning into a wood slowly - tips are gone totally and no shaking, waking, raking is getting it out of its wooden sleep. I am still typing with them, but no idea whats working and whats not, under that skin. My feet ofcourse are swollen into very funny shape. No, no pain, just a very funny swell. Yes, yes I am taking barley water and peeing 10 times a day! :) If I miss one round of Sitz bath or one evening walk, I can see the symptoms are ready to jump onto me! But god bless me, I think I have had minimum symptoms compared to any and every mom I had read in the internet or met in person! So, I dont think I should polambify much.

4. I am waiting desperately, impatiently for my 30th week ultrasound which would be by second week of Feb. And then I wish if I wink there should be some magic by which it should turn to be April end 2009!

5. My mom is here and cooking us all healthy delicious food. I have more reasons to be lazy! I am absolutely and totally happy that I resigned my job. I pat my own back and take credit for my sane decision. I am just happy that I can eat, sleep, pee, blog, read, type, dream, scratch myself, etc... whenever I want!

blogging with numb fingers

2009-01-25T23:53:00.000-08:00

Atleast I know one truth about blogs and pregnancy now! If this carpal tunnel syndrome (CTS) hits early there is no way one could blog about pregnancy. CTS is becoming worse by the day. Today and yesterday my finger tips have been numb all day - not just morning. It feels like I had soaked my hand in water too long - that is the feeling - but it doesnt look pruned or anything! Yes I am able to type. Occasional serious pains in the morning - weird numbness in the tips and CTS is progressing!

No, I havent seen Slumdog millionaire(SDM) yet. We were very close to the theater yesterday and prax asked me you would manage it if we watch it? I thought about it. These days the kiddos have been jumping around so much, it almost felt like if I go to watch SDM they will jump out and punch me on the face! Because the practice contractions in the uterus is already pressing them down and pressing me crazy, and I know emotional scenes press my tummy even more and why risk it? All the reviews hint at the fact that there is significant gory and sadness and emotional highs and lows, rendered just as in many bollywood movies though directed much farther away from bollywood! I finally decided I cant watch it, even if it were to win Oscar now! My tummy tightening is significant even without so much drama!

That made me wonder what happens to women who live challenging lives - in family, society or in office space. When you have a lot of drama is real life during pregnancy how it would go! I practically have a very bland, plain, imagined highs and lows and nothing challenging these days - even then the uterus is contracting crazy at its own pace!

It looks like when my mom arrives here finally next week I will no more be able to use my hand! At least I am glad we managed three months on our own, to add to our credit of independence! :)

28th week update

2009-01-21T20:51:00.000-08:00

Completed my "6th months done - what next" visit to my gynec this week. Had no complaints, except for the hand pain. The doctor asked me "Are you sure, it is pain? It should be just numbness, that is what our book says!" :) ... He is a man, a honest one! I didnt want to stress that it was pain, because I was getting self doubts if it was really numbness or indeed pain?. But the brain kept saying isnt it a little bit of pain atleast? Yes carpal tunnel syndrome especially in my right hand has become a big reality lately. And yes it isnt just numbness, it can be classified as pain, I have concluded by observation this week! :) ... Especially my right hand, mainly in the early morning, or when I wake up midnight. Goes away after a while, after some shaking and moving. But the intensity seems to be increasing. Though in reality it is not really a big deal, just a new observation!

But since I told him I am aware that this pain is normal, and is expected with increasing blood flow, he also agreed with me and we didnt go for any medicine for that. I was happy about that. He just asked me to continue iron, calcium and duvadilan.

Expecting very eagerly to go for the next ultrasound on or after 30th week. I am still very poor at guessing my babies through their kicking. I still cant figure out where their head is and where their leg is, whether it is just kicking, or it is actually some somersaulting or movement! Yesterday night I was sure it was "hiccups" from one of them, because it was rhythmic and continued for a while. Hiccups are to be expected I read in the web! Part of their growing up!
I cant believe other people can say exactly where which part of the body is :))) ... Either I am too buffalo skinned or so bad at self observation or really one or both of them are just playing peekaboo with me, somersaulting around keeping me guessing where which part is and where who is!!!
But the funny thing is their movement is so pronounced now, you can see it very clearly even if I am wearing a thick gown, like rats under the carpet! I never knew you could see a baby moving inside a pregnant woman that easily from outside! :)

I am gaining weight, though eating the same. I wonder if it is all the excess water that I am drinking or if the kittens are really adding on their fat this fast. I am almost 72kg now! :)))) ... Yeah tell me about it! :) ... But to my utter happiness, I can still walk quite briskly slight uphill upto 2 or 3 km, without feeling much tired. Evenings, definitely I feel like I am 150kg! :)... but still try to walk atleast 2km slowly. The little girls in my campus are feeling very shy to see me with my big tummy and thats really funny watching them! :) ... 3 year - 12 year old girls arent very comfortable with such motty ladki watching! :) I am only surprised that I am not feeling that enormously hungry as many people told me! May be I had been eating too much always! Only strange thing during this pregnancy has been my 4pm-5pm hunger. Coffee or tea doesnt seem enough! But if I eat something a little more I feel very acidic or feel like a hippopotamus on the move! So I dont know if I should or shouldnt eat at that hour!

I have a prediction that my kittens will be fed at 4am, 8am, 12noon, 4pm, 8pm, 12 midnight based on my hunger pattern now! :) But the scary thing is that they say sometimes twins can have different hunger and sleeping schedules!!!:))) .. OH NOOOOO ... I wish they eat and sleep at the same time! :)

So when they keep me awake at 12 midnight I am sometimes google searching on how many third trimester people had more than 2 bowel movements!!! :)))) ... Yeah what all crazy things we want to know! The scary part is that there is a theory that too many bowel movements is an indication of delivery coming up very soon - supposedly the body is cleansing and getting ready. Cleansing part sounds alright, and many bowel movements ensures no bad hemorrhoid episode to happen any soon which is even better, but premature labor sounds still scary. So I am reading in UK who shat how many times in USA who is having how many bowel movements, at the wee hour of 1am! Funny pregnancy life! :) I have been reassured that it is common to have more frequent bowel movements in third trimester.

Mittens for the kittens

2009-01-18T00:27:00.000-08:00

So me and my kittens we have crossed the 6th month successfully. Not 24 weeks, but almost 27+ weeks - yippee! I would have loved to complain that one is kicking up on top and sending in, acid up the oesophagus and another kicking down sending a pang down the vagina and get some free pity and sympathy, but though it is true it is not as bad as it sounds at all. The top one seems almost transverse (not head down or breech, but transverse!) because there is a big movement sideways on top, unless two heads are banging together - action & reaction. I would know for sure on the 30th week ultrasound. But they are big (or is it just my fat tummy?!!) and making me as full as a 7 course gujarati meal, just after one dosa - and making me eat in small quantities! Anyway given the tummy size, we have come to conclude that it could be anyday now, though we are still in 27th week, we are facing a big premature possibility.

So that made me wonder if I should wait for my "nesting instinct" to hit me and raise spontaneously from within to go buy their first set of things! The normal nesting instinct is supposed to happen at 36th week and I am sure I would have two kittens by then! Though I would want to chuckle away and giggle at the prospect of me getting any nesting instinct, or in other words going hooh! haah! oh so cute! over tiny shoes and bibs and baby posters, I dont want to ignore the probability, since me crying over RNBDJ like a silly ass, and my belly button popping out, has happened though I would have never believed it! I have always wanted to paint my rooms (blue for the bedroom, orange for the dining room etc...) and I would have loved to take the nesting instinct pretence or mask to achieve what I really wanted! ;) ... But then paint is not supposed to be good to be handling during pregnancy SIGH! :)

So we finally stepped into the maternity and baby shop and got the mittens and shoes as instructed in the books for packing up things for the hospital. Yeah, tell me about it, why would a baby in April Summer (Agni nakshatra!) would need a mitten and a socks?!! ... But then people say it is a must babies extremities can get cold! No we didnt get the receiving blanket, just imagining a tiny little being swaddled in that very very warm and humid sounding cloth in peak April heat, feels terrible to imagine! I wish I could just carry them naked and let them enjoy the breeze :)

I had to ask the sales girl which one was the shoe which one was the mitten (pardon me, that is how well exposed I am to birth and infants!). She quickly understood how dumb and unaware I am, and like a darling told me, not to buy more than one set, because I am going to get more as gifts! :) Really? I looked at her, quizotically. She insisted that people always come to their shops to buy these as gifts. That suddenly reminded me of the gift I had bought for prax's colleague when their baby was born (he is almost two now!). A Johnson and Johnson baby gift package. We never did the proper baby visit to give the gift, so we decided to give it to my colleague when her son was born, and we never dared do that visit either. We finally decided we would keep it for our own baby, and yes we still have the packet unopened, which has bibs and nail cutters and what nots!!! :) Yes we are very friendly with our colleagues we are just so poor at making "visits" and "giving gifts" at appropriate time and all that! :) We bought the diapers, the triangle one and the rectangle one, where one could stick the sticky napkin supposedly. My colleague swears by the rectangle one, and pooh poohs (literally!!!) the triangle one. We just bought them as samples so my mom can stich more of them!

And yes we finally bought our "rocking chair" though I am still very scared to sit and lean back - it seem to go very much to the back - feels like a hammock almost once you are that much way back. Yes, bamboo. Prax is a big fan of bamboo. We have our furniture mostly in bamboo - has an ethnic special look to it! We also bought a baby basket - a bamboo one where you can carry the baby. Yes we had bought the "Euro Rider" baby carrier, three years ago when we left USA, because we thought we would have a baby in India, and we wont get such good ones here! So we took that (dig them!) out of our baggages and prax tried them on! We also finally opened the breast pump we had bought along with it, and discovered to our surprise it had several bottles and nipples with them too! GOOD! Yeah prax has been comfortably sitting on the rocking chair and reading his novel and so he gets to rock the babies to sleep in wee hours of the night I have said! ;) ... I am still scared to lean back on it. He is seeing "National Geographic" DVD one more time right now, about twins and WOMB.

Well I have a confession to make! I broke one promise in pregnancy already! I went and watched another movie - I watched "Australia" - "are you sure, are you sure" kept asking prax, but I couldnt resist the opportunity to see an epic story and a landscape of a yonder land. I told myself I would walk out if it was unbearable, but then indeed watched it all, observing my tummy as the 100s of horses galloped across the screen like a thunder!!! See I was responsible, not too careless! ;) ... But I am not too bad, I do keep some promises - I am finally typing this from within FEDORA 10, good clean installation, without irqpoll and all that crazedom and voila the network got set up automatically and I am so happy the thing is on a roll now. Server is almost up. Domain name is there, link hasnt been made. I have a probability of getting my solar powered light and fan. :)

But we dont have our baby names yet! Prax is choosing Lavanya and Shruti (he still doesnt want to even consider boys!!!). I had been kidding with him that it isnt enough that you like Lavanya, you should like the name Lavanya ;)))) ... He has been reassuring me that he indeed likes the name! What about two boy names? "You decide" he is still resisting to accept the biggest probability! :) If it were upto me I would name them Kitten 1 and Kitten 2, until they go to school and then ask them how they would love to be called! ;). Without a gender, it is hard to pick up even mittens for the kittens. Finally we bought them in yellow and blue! (because I am sure atleast one is a boy!!! :) ... if that one turns out to be a girl too, then I should be miracle maker)

Time for ourselves

2009-01-14T22:00:00.000-08:00

I suppose just about every mother I have met so far, has stressed so much on the fact that I wouldnt have time for myself anymore, so I should make the best, when I get a chance to rest, relax, read up etc. It is pretty hard for me to believe I will be the kind of "self-less" mother - the divine being, - me the utterly rationalized selfish person as far as I have known. And it is hard for anybody to pressure me into any kind of artificial divinity, I have dared to quit that track of being good in others books long ago! :)

I absolutely dont mind completely getting lost into something that I am passionate about, something that provokes my curiosity, something that entertains me, dazzles me, challenges me - I am somebody who can sit sleepless with a c++ program until it churns out everything I want, and hunt for a semicolon that had stopped everything until then, and have a delicious time with it! So I suppose there is a high chance that indeed babies could be of that kind, in that case, I suppose out of utter selfishness, personal pleasure, I would have sleepless nights - and nothing more or less than that!

Indeed I have spent wee hours into the night upto 2am or 4am with some of my best friends, talking non stop about all kinds of stuff and having total fun in my twenties. How many kinds of friends, how many types of conversations, - I wouldnt call that sacrifice or compromise, that was just pure fun and I suppose motherhood can be following that track if one is totally relaxed and unpressured right?

Now you are asking me with an episotomy stitch, a hurting hemorrhoid, a sore nipple, a low hormonal plunge, a very restless cry baby (not one but two doing an orchestra I suppose!!!), am I really going to have fun at 2am? I dont really know! All that I know is that if I am not having fun, I am probably fast asleep by then or fantasizing or blogging or watching TV :) My problem really is that I cant imagine being a divine being or pretending to be one (more realistically put). The challenge is how far I can keep myself sane and stop pretending and just dare be myself. If and when I treat myself right, I tend to treat everybody around me very well!

This blog I will come back and read again someday and check whether this was all true when it all happens in reality. This is a self message to treat myself well, to treat myself right, and never ever to give in to pressure, never to become artificial and less than human to my own self, to retain my happiness and sanity in order to keep everyone happy and sane. To have the courage to be so.

Namaste Yoga at 7am

2009-01-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

In Travel and Living Channel by Kate Potter (Canada?). If you have been a very sporadic yoga person, wished to do some but never did anything properly, but have some ideas and wondering during big tummy pregnancy days, if it is going to work out - how to do those bridge pose, dog pose and all that with such a big tummy ... I recommend watch Kate Potter. I dont know if she always does every day yoga relevant to pregnancy - or whether I was darn lucky today as I switched on. She simply did everything that was there in the pregnancy yoga book of mine.

Yes cat stretch - child pose are relatively easy (though I am still needing a pillow to sit straight in veer pose!). But the dog pose and bridge pose feels a bit scary to try on our own with a big tummy - but when I watched Kate's group perform it today morning I got the idea and tried and hooh hooh it worked very smoothly. I imagine it can be scary to watch a third trimester woman flexing to that levels, but by experience I see it is possible to do, if we have the correct guidance and watch exactly what to do.

The Yoga For Pregnancy book that I have is by Hamlyn, its a UK publication. www.hamlyn.co.uk. The exercises in this book are very basic and simple and specifically tuned for three trimesters of pregnancy. What is nice is that they have pictures of actual pregnant woman doing it - so you feel the connection!

I suppose there are equivalent or better books written in India by Indians, I just havent found any yet! :) ...

This travel and living program was pretty good with good repetition though in the beginning it looks like she is going very fast ... They actually do it as one continuous flow, without breaking into single poses. Today mostly it was cat, dog, one leg up, gate, child pose and bridge pose. Well I didnt do the one leg up standing up dog that looked too challenging, and not to try with pregnancy. Everything else flowed in smoothly moving from one to other.

Tennis ball back massage:

2009-01-09T07:48:00.000-08:00

Explained by Nutan Pandit. I bought the ball almost a month ago, but I used it most efficiently only today. See, there are two ways to do it, one is to do it lying down, another is to do it standing up against a wall. I thought lying down would work the best, but it went very clumsy. Standing up against the wall works the best - especially for the middle back, just below the shoulders.

So this is what you do, you stand next to a wall with your back against the wall and keep the tennis ball between your back and the wall. If your middle back is hurting keep the ball somewhere there in the middle, and yes the ball will stand there because your body is pressing against it. Now move left to right or right to left so that the ball massages you sideways. If you want a massage up and down you need to bend down with your knees and move up, as the ball rolls up and down between your back and the wall massaging the back muscles. Thats it!
It really works great for me for the middle back, just below the shoulders, for this pain of the third trimester as the tummy expands and pulls, especially after a meal or something.

For the lower back, the lower most spinal point, I use hot water bag for a few minutes. For the middle back, ofcourse prax massage is the best, but when he is not around, the ball is the second best! :) It is said that only tennis ball works, because of its perfect pressure and shape. In my experience it works best standing up against the wall, rather than lying down, and it works best for the middle back!

Ofcourse if you have a three year old at home, making them walk around your spine possibly works the best! :) If not you can compensate with a tennis ball for now! :)))) ...

Life in 26th week

2009-01-08T02:19:00.000-08:00

1. Piles doesnt hurt that badly anymore. Well in reality it was just 24 hours that was horrible, then things got better. Sitz bath would take the most credit, though the steroid tube (shield) is squeezed out over and laxative bottle is empty. I would also give credit to green peel banana (ripe ones) in addition to Sitz bath.I considered arali poo (oleander) pad, as the equivalent of the witch hazel pad, after my mom told me that that was common in 1960s but then google searching oleander gave too many details on the poison of oleander than medicinal benefit! Why risk poisonous substance less than few inches from a foetus! So I have opted for warm sesame oil+turmeric as the indigenous solution after steroid sheild is all done. Even at 9:30pm, we go out hunting for green banana (ofcourse ripe ones, I mean Moris variety)! There is ofcourse yellow elaichi variety which is famous in this area, since the traditional fibrous yellow "naattu vazhai" is completely missing in this part of India. But many people through experience have sworn to me that Moris (Green) Banana is the best stool softener, and I guess it seems right! :) I still go for three times Sitz bath in a day, and 2km walk morning and evening.
In general I think other than the blog readers, people who live around me would have never figured out I was going bezerk last week with these darn piles. I was walking, cooking, travelling every evening almost to beaches, restaurants and temples. Managed well. Good that I wasnt alone, in-laws were there, otherwise I would have obsessed myself with pain and would have done nothing.

2. In laws visit went quite smoothly. They were happy that I was brisk and active (though one day I had to excuse myself and roll up inside my cot) and we together could cook big meals three times a day. The biggest credit goes to my FIL, who goes and buys all kinds of vegetables, and chops them out into tiny bits sincerely, after breakfast. Always two vegetables as side dish in addition to all kinds of vegetables and sprouts and what nots inside the curry. Well, I couldnt have managed on my own. Especially cooking those greens. He had all the patience to clean them and chop them so well, so efficiently, be it Methi or Palak or Radish Greens. I usually feel very lazy with greens I give up on them for the amount of work they demand! I wish my pa enjoyed cutting vegetables as much as my FIL did. I wonder how to inform my pa about it, he can be of great help to my anni. But then, possibly my pa cant co-ordinate his fingers as efficiently with the knife not just because of no-practice, but also after the stroke. May be I should ask him to try when I am around. Three more weeks of living by ourselves and my ma would join us for the last part of the pregnancy. Yes we had sent her home after 4 months, because we really got too much pampered (literally coffee and dosa came to my hand and I did nothing at home!) and we were worried we would not be able to get back to our "self-dependent" routine. I still believe we would quickly become self-dependent after delivery (though everybody would like to deny that!!! :) ...). I think prax would make the meals and I would care for the kids, and we would go for simply dhal and greens and milk and banana, and live healthy and simple! But then people tell us you need not just one three additional adults at home to help you!!! We will see.

3. I havent started my "self-employment" yet, the new semester has started here, and I realize its time I do something on my own. The one shopping complex I hoped to rent a space from is all sold out, and I am not trying hard. The new system that I learnt to set up is all half-baked and I dont have it up and running to its mightiest yet. I am unable to email my previous contractor on previous work as regularly as they wish (especially because I am feeling less obligated to respond when nobody is paying me!!! :) ...). I am possibly burning bridges there, I should be more careful. Havent pursued anything new. It feels weird and strange to be thinking of project with such a big tummy in front and a complete unknown 2009 in front of me. If I need three additional adults simply to run my family, who am I kidding by wishing for projects and self-employment and all that crazy stuff?! Inertia has several excuses to invent. The one who is going to deliver in 45 days is still working, the one who would deliver with me, is actually driving a car up for work. My maid is really upset with me that I quit my job (why would you quit a well earning job, and cut beans and make sambhar at home, when I could do that for ek hazaar for you, she says!!! :) ... I know she is right in her economic logic.) I tried to do some financial planning, liquid money, fixed deposit, one year savings back up, etc., just in case I become financially unproductive until 2010. I still dream that I would take up an exotic weaning trip by the end of 2009, and all the money for my luxurious trip I would make from now to then, meaning from this big tummy era, to the diaper era - I have no clue how. But there is no harm in fantasies - is there? And its always good to pursue a seemingly impossible dream, I feel!

4. I havent started music class or Russian class yet (from my impossible to learn list!). I tried memorizing an unfamiliar chapter in Thirukkural - just 10 verses, and it has been two days, more than 2 hours of trying to stencil it in my heart, and I dont have it upside down in my heart yet and I am surprised - man oh man, after a PhD I cant do what a third standard girl can easily do. I have completely lost the capacity to keep 10 7 worded verses in mind in an order! If you are curious on what chapter - I tried "Natuvu Nilaimai" because none of the verse in that was familiar and I wanted to try difficult one first! :)

5. I am happy to see in baby-gaga.com that my kids have 90% chance of survival if they are born now - since I am crossing 25th week. They are barely 1 kg I suppose, but the stone like uterus in the evening does scare me in the evenings - and I am indeed taking duvailan in the night atleast these days.

6. All the people in the twin forum are talking about their baby room, painting, wall paper, posters, cribs and what nots and I havent done anything or purchased anything! Finally we moved the single cot out of the additional bed room and there are still cardboard boxes full of all kinds of crazy stuff that we collected from all continents which needs cleaning up and thrashing out and all that. I am able to wear only the three sets of pinafores that my mom stiched for me, and everything else is packed up. That room has atleast a week's worth of cleaning, if indeed the two are going to come and live there. I still cant believe that there will be two additional family members living with us, and they wont be simply guests who will go away after a while!!! :) Still seems to be a strange dream than an impending reality!

On being self-dependent - 1

2009-01-08T00:31:00.000-08:00

I chose not to use the term "independent" because I see parenting is definitely more responsibility and there should be somebody accountable for the new responsibility - whether we share it with the spouse, with parents, with servant maids or day care centers or do it all ourself, it is something 'new' and 'solid' and 'relatively big' and cant be considered non existent or negligible.

But somehow I have always assumed that I would remain self-dependent - financially, socially, emotionally, and any lys.... I dont want to give up on that now. This is not an ideal. This is not a goal. Dependency creates its own set of problems for either parties. Especially long term dependencies tie up life into knots. My mom had raised us on her own, my pa was just a bread winner. Yes she had the social circumstance of being a home maker, and I live in a world where there is a social acceptance for being a work-from-home mother. But its easily said than done. I think the wisest thing I have done so far on this line is giving a resignation letter, if not I would have become a dependent in work-place too, I need people who will take my responsibility until I come back, etc... thank goodness all commitments are completed, but I dont know where to proceed further.

This WISH for self-dependency has to be thought-out well and executed.
To be continued ...

Third Trimester - Pain, Pranayama and other Prattles!

2009-01-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

NOTE: I dont want you to think there is a lot of pain in pregnancy (in third trimester or whatever ...) - This is just a note on all kinds of pains put together in one blog. In reality things arent all that bad :) 25th week isnt third trimester perhaps - but having twins it already does feel like it for me! :)

From yesterday evening I am going "WOW The uterus is hardening, I can finally feel it. It feels like a stone". No, no pain at all - but just a very very stone like feeling in the uterus/tummy area. This is what they say as practice contractions perhaps. No, not Braxton Hicks yet. This is just a very mild version which twin pregnancy brings in early to the senses.Supposedly the uterus does it all the time, quite often, only that we sense it much later in pregnancy. In twin pregnancy this is something you are supposed to be aware of very early, since premature birth is the only real concern, with a high probability. If this contraction is quite frequent, then you need to start worrying otherwise, simply observe and be aware! :)

Even when the doctor gave me duvadilan, I couldnt figure out if I am contracting - checking myself. I read in the book how exactly to keep my hands on my tummy (palpitate) and test contraction and timing, but I couldnt sense anything that day. The doctor probably figured out during palpitation that is why he gave me the prescription perhaps. I had been hesistating taking the tablet, since I am a "low medicine/ high nature" idealist of my own definition. Without any symptom I wasnt sure if I had to take tablets!!! I had left a question in a twin forum, with the group who are around my same week - asking them "are you people worried about premature already - is there anyone here taking any medicine to avoid them?" and I didnt check back for a week as piles pre-occupied my mind too much. I checked yesterday - though most of them had responded more on my weight concern (is 15 pounds okay by now etc...) there was just one person who scared the shit out of me. She had directly responded to me saying that she delivered on 22nd week and the twins didnt survive, as a matter of fact.

I had been obsessing over my hemorrhoids last few days that I forgot premature and all that ... With the steroid - sheild and sitz bath and daflon, I survived pretty okay so far - had been going around every evening with my in-laws to temples and beaches and restaurants (though always with a cautionary pillow in hand! :) ...) I had been doing my morning long walks too. Its only sitting thats a misery (Somewhat tolerable with a pillow) - walking has been okay. But there are some benefits to having piles ... yeah there is always a way to take advantage of a situation no matter how crazy it is as these hemorrhoids have been. I decided since this is pain, I will practice all my breathing techniques from the books to check whether there is any fact to pain relief in them.

You can catch me sitting up in my bed 2am or 3am practicing sukha pranayama and aum breathing these days! :) ... And I have come to believe that it does work to some level. First thing is it moves the focus away from the pain indeed - especially if you have to concentrate on the technique itself (Sukha pranayama is the simplest version, breathe left out, breathe left in, close left with finger, breathe out through right, breathe in through right, close right nostril, breathe out through left and continue at a very slow pace - indeed it should be so slow told my guruji of 2007 that if you keep a feather under your nose, the feather shouldnt flutter!!! That is very difficult indeed, but the point is to not breathe loud and hard - but to make it as smooth and as slow as you can).

Since it involves a routine and some concentration, it does take the mind off the focus of pain and keeps it a little thought free, because once we get distracted the breathing rhythm is disturbed and then we bring the focus back to breathing. But all this only under relatively milder pain condition perhaps, in more peaceful mindset - the first day of piles pain without medicine, I was practically suicidal in pain - breathing was the last thing that came to my mind, I wanted so terribly to forget pain, but I couldnt - it was haunting me like a bizarre devil. So I still doubt in real situation, birthing and breathing may or may not go together. Slow breathing I am sure, brings down blood pressure, that is not a myth but a reality, and I surely know relaxing the muscles and nerves can possibly reduce intensity of pain, and definitely focussing on anything other than pain is a definite emotional relief.

But "aum" breathing + "relaxation" autosuggestion, seem to somewhat work even better. Or may be I am imagining. This I read from Nutan Pundit. Here you breathe in with the nose and breathe out through mouth. While you breathe out you say "aum." Lamaze said say "out" with a stress on "t...t" to get the pain out. "Aum" sort of gives it a divine aura as if gods will descend to take the pain out, anyway what matters is whether the pain reduces or not. You should have tried relaxation auto-suggestion before to make it work effectively. When you say "relax my calf muscles, relax all nerves holding my calf muscle" lying down after aerobics you should have sensed the muscle going limp and resting peacefully. The same way in pregnancy you say "relax my pelvic muscles, relax all my nerves around pelvic muscles" I tried auto-suggesting this with my aum breathing and it did seem to work. You have to just slowly breathe in through both nostrils and then breathe out slowly saying to yourself "aum." I dont know if you have to go tummy-chest-throat - A+U+M level of breathing, but simply uttering aum itself seems to work. Here too the brain is quite busy concentrating on the breathing and uttering and at best we can distract it by observing the autosuggested relaxation of pelvis at every breathe out. This sort of takes the pain - however small and mild out of the focus and we can go back to sleep quite soon.

These darn hemorrhoids have also made me forget the lower back pain which I can sense lying straight on my back - I had been forced to sleep on the side because of that, last one month. Yes I conciously tried to bring "left-side" sleeping into practice for a long time, but I realized recently that I am quite often wanting to go "right-side" - and ofcourse switch sides often since the body weight pressures the thigh muscle. But ofcourse this is nothing at all, no big pain, but just a reality, something we are conscious of during pregnancy night sleeps. I am still sleeping very well, with very mild distractions - which I believe is a very lucky situation when I compare many others in my shoes! I also used "hot water" bag on my back - practically I had to tie it up there with a chudithaar shawl so that I can turn and move around with it - since I cant sleep flat with it on my back (- please somebody design a water bag that can be held in the back and the person can move around - a valuable patent indeed)! But after this piles thing I am least bothered about the lower back in the nights. And yes I am still sleeping very well, except that at odd hours I wake up to pee and then practice breathing and all that, just to keep myself busy and relaxed before falling asleep again.

Coming to the facts on peeing, I have had this "running to pee" only two days in this entire pregnancy - especially during my workshop days, a month ago, where I drank too much water due to the dry airconditioned room. After that urinary bladder pressure to pee quickly hasnt been there at all. Bizarre that anus is over-reacting with varicose veins whereas my bladder can still happily hold two litres of water peacefully! :) But I am indeed feeling the pressure from the uterus on the entire lower pelvis these days - just a pressure but no running to pee situation yet. (touch wood!).

But then my feet have been showing up mild swelling once in a while, and ofcourse I immediately try all kinds of things like side lift of the legs, putting them in warm water, writing the entire alphabets in the air with my feet, to improve circulation and it always works. I believe the SITZ bath also helps, since warm water, is touching the entire pelvice region upto lower back and it possibly improves circulation. So, I am indeed surviving without much leg swelling too. YES, YES indeed I can sense my calf muscles are going to cramp, they almost go on a strike I can sense, and I walk around and do everything to improve circulation before going to sleep. So, so far, no big deal from the calf muscle either. But as you can see, I am getting ready and keeping myself alert and crossing my fingers and hoping pains dont descend on me mercilessly.

The only new strange thing is the palm of the hands feeling a pressure. I want to believe that it is because I am sleeping sideways and possibly putting my weight on my palm unconsciously. But last one week, I can really sense pain in the palm - the books warn as "carpel tunnel" syndrome (which I thought only computer programmers got, due to intense typing!!!) due to increased circulation. So ofcourse I shake my hands, hold and relax, etc... especially as shown by the Kalaignar TV early morning pregnancy exercise show, which I catch once in a week atleast! :) Only this week I understood this whole palm thing is indeed important (until then I thought why is she focussing on that exercise!!! :) ...) The pain disappears very soon after some shaking and some small palm exercise to improve circulation.

yours sincerely,
Kitten Put...taatha Cat...tu

Hemorrhoids - paraak paraak paraak - come on - pile on!

2008-12-30T21:46:00.000-08:00

I know you are reading this in 2010 or later. Yes this is probably not to be meant to be read immediately. This is not a diary alone - this is not information. This is a blog, an experiment on honesty at my end. This is what I am looking for. This is what I wish I found. This is what I am afraid to tell anyone. This is what I decided to tell the whole world on the last day of 2008. I am moving on to 2009, having got this out in public. Me who couldnt say the word "sex" in public until I was, ... was it 26? I think I didnt say the word "love" until I was may be 23 ... Me, at 21, went into oxford dictionary, looking for the meaning of the word "fuck" because while walking in chennai somebody in a cycle came close to me and said that and moved on ... and have never heard it before, me the innocent tirunelvelian! :) ... Dont even ask me if I really figured out the intricate details of it - that took me too much of time - I have plenty of blogs on that you might have stumbled on them ... Words and meanings are never what they seem. Havent I heard about piles? Yes I did. I never figured out what it really meant. So if you are just hearing the words hemorrhoids/piles and have never gone through it, well, I know where you stand - best wishes to you! :)

Now I am 35 and pregnant. Time to talk about piles, - loads and loads of it - piles and piles of hemorrhoid talk :) ... No, it is not a pregnancy symptom alone, just that while you are pregnant even the most seemingly dangerous to reveal hemorrhoids/piles are okay to deal with (after all one has no other go but to face it!) A mother who never talks about piles is probably equivalent to a wife who never talks about love, sex or fuck! :) It is just a cultural context!!! :) Yes agreed some probably dont go through them as others do. Others probably dont want to talk about it, thats okay too. But here in my blog all secrets are welcome, mine and yours.

So, well, here I am ready to give a shoulder in my blog to anybody who is going through the unmentionable, undisclosed, painful secret down there, hurting your body, heart and soul. Here you shall come and smile, inspite of your pain, here you shall come and hold on to my virtual shoulder and shed tears if you want, here you shall come and bitch about the nasty bubbles down under, here you shall come and curse the idiot of the evolutionary designer who put the center of gravity down there, that you cant sit or stand up - your gender, age and background doesnt matter - I care about you as much as I care about myself - especially because I care about myself. You can choose the nastiest words in any language and get your frustration out - vent it out in my comment box - I join you. You can laugh with me if you wish. Well I dont even mind, if you laugh at me, somehow I am in a good mood today and it feels happy to be out there in the open with the unrevealed burden up on my sleeve. We shall share a virtual tea across the cyber world over time in our imagination. Here I am, I am your companion in this nasty painful secret. I assure you it is not too lonely as it seems, it isnt an unsolvable misery. There is some solution to an extent to which you can deal with life and let it be.

I know, I know, you are getting mightly annoyed with my blah blaah useless talk. You probably came here searching through google for the words "hemorrhoids or piles" and looking for a solution. May be when it was really small you figured you could just push it in, and it reduces the pain and it disappears in a day. But then you came here today because you have gone at wits end trying to end the misery. You probably have already tried Himalaya's pilex - tablet cum paste. It probably works isnt it? There should be an external applicant for the wound and an internal laxative. You have to make sure to your doctor that it is okay to take it - especially if you are pregnant. You have probably bought a sitz bath if you are in USA where you can just pick it up at CVS pharmacy or Walmart. But if you are in India, you have to re-engineer it. This is what my doctor told me. Buy a small tub which you can sit in. I got it in a small store, you can get it anywhere these days where buckets and mugs are sold - these are like baby bathing tubs - pick one thats more than your but size in breadth and small in height so that you can get out easily! :)

Now buy potassium permanganate (yes I am right - thats what my doc told me!). Prax says that it is a good anti-septic - that should be the reason. You can get it anywhere - you can get it in a pharmacy - a small packet with violet crystals. Now add 1/8th or less of a teaspoon of this into your tub of warm/hot water and see that it turns just light pink - not dark violet. Just a tiny bit is enough says my doctor! Just two crystals may be. Now sit on it and lets sing "Unto the heaven with hemorrhoids, honey, come unto the heaven with hemorrhoids" - no that isnt a popular song, that is just a song you and I are going to write and tune - you can add your words and your own jingle to it and sing with me. Sit in the water happily leaning on your bathroom wall and come on sing with me, arent you mighty happy now? Yes warm I would say warmer or warmest water that you can tolerate is the closest to heaven you can get to with these hemorrhoids. And yes just in case you are bleeding too, which is even worse - then this pot. perm will do the magic of anti-septic treatment, but otherwise just the warm water would be a great pain relief! This can keep you sane and happy for 1 to 2 hours. You can do it 3 or 4 times a day if you wish.

This should go along with "shield" an allopathic medicine - steroid - for shrinking away the nasty bubble and you are supposed to take a mild stool softener. Yes Sitz Bath, stool softener and shield work together for the solution you are longing for, so dont skip one. I am also taking Daflon - 10mg - this is a tablet for solving the varicose veins - since in many ways hemorrhoid is just a varicose vein down there - twice a day as prescribed by my doctor - buy only if your doctor agrees.

Ofcourse you dont want me to be one more person who tells you that eat greens, more fibre, fig, less spicy food, less oil, so that the solution is arrived at early. You probably want to slap me if I tell you constipation is the major reason, because you have heard enough of that thing and especially in pregnancy, constipation is just around there as a statistical correlation factor, it could be purely uterine pressure. I hear you. Yes the stool softener - mild laxative - NuLax that I am using isnt working at all - twin uterine pressure is completely something else - but nevertheless I hope and take my laxative too. This is considered safe and non-habit forming. Get a safe natural one, as prescribed by your doctor.

Yes we shall drink more water, take more fibrous food, and sing out "unto the heaven with hemorrhoids" in the potassium permanganate bath tub :). I am with you on this. Sing along! You can have a small hand mirror to look at it. Look at it, dont be afraid. If your doctor looks at it you might even feel much better psychologically - it feels good if somebody else knows the exact detail and cares enough about it. Here I am with you, lets have a look, lets have a warm Sitz Bath and sing along and be merry. There is nothing in this world too hard to talk about. Lets sing, "unto the heaven with hemorrhoids, honey I am with you, let the gods float on the clouds, while we soak in pink tubs and move onto the heaven with hemorrhoids" Join me! :)

Dedicated to my male gynec who dealt with me very kindly yesterday evening. I have gained a huge trust over him after that. Wish you the best of care taker too.

PS: Hey, I just google searched "Sitz Bath" and learnt it helps a lot post-partum too!

Just for fun ...

2008-12-24T02:05:00.000-08:00

Had been browsing around blogs and found something really hilarious from ShoeFiend. Between your legs the whistle blows

Have fun!

Absurd questions I would've liked to ask

2008-12-23T01:37:00.000-08:00

There are some questions I would have liked to ask a pregnant woman, but would have never dared to, because I would have feared they might find them absurd. I have decided to ask them myself.
1. Do I feel like a mother, is it possible for me to sense another being?
No, not at all. I still feel like myself and me alone in here inside me, just with a basketball belly. I can sense their thump thump once in a while, but it still doesn't feel like I am carrying any more additional life than mine, not at the deepest level of the soul. Yes consciously I know that I am carrying a twin. But not sub-consciously.
2. Do I feel intuitively I am ready for all the love and all the greatness of motherhood?
No, not an ounce. I was just wondering, a few minutes ago, if I need a water erasable marker to tick on the babies as soon as I fed them, or changed their diaper, so that I dont do it for the same person twice or even worse forget to do for either!!! :) I think mothering is a task, and needs management skills and I havent got them either, but I know I can plan and prepare! But intuitive, natural motherliness isnt in the horizon of my sub conscience yet. In case they both look identical I am thinking I should make them wear bracelets of two different colors so that I can recognize them!
3. Have I ever felt anything dizzyingly happy after becoming pregnant or depressingly unhappy?
No,thank goodness I have never been depressed about being pregnant. I think I got lucky to be pregnant at the right time of my life. But depression/hormonal blues are happening randomly especially for external stimulus like senti dialogues and movies. I didnt feel dizzyingly happy in a very motherly way. I did feel terribly surprised discovering that they are twins, some sort of happy aura did come by then, somehow it felt great, somehow it felt they are going to take care of each other and my job is to just watch and be merry. The only other time I remember feeling dizzy happy is when I heard their heart beat the first time on a doppler. That was simple awesome. Very first time you realize suddenly that there is indeed life around there - heart beat sound is far more emotionally moving than ultrasound photographs! I can only compare that to watching IMAX movie the first time, or going for a virtual reality show in Universal Studios Orlando or seeing the pink flamingos the first time! :) Just a genuine surprise not a divine motherliness.
4. Am I afraid of delivery or post natal care?
Surprisingly not as much as everybody else seems to be for my sake! I have been trying to visualize on my delivery, and it always seems pretty normal and okay, be it vaginal or ceasarian. The truth is I have come to terms with the fact that prolonged dilation could be a real misery and pain can be unbearable and I have taken them to be facts to be expected not to be feared. I simply believe it would be transitional and I will soon be done with it all and be merry!
Post natal care, no, I dont fear it, but yes I cant even visualize it. I suppose it is so mainly because I have very low expectations on myself. I believe I would learn as days pass, and I am okay with the fact that I am going to make my mistakes. I dont know how I would bathe even one, how fragile they are going to be, how I would feed them. At best I can only imagine walking with them, them holding my fingers on either side to a park or so, from there on it seems simple and obvious and I dont know before that! Ignorance is there, but "fear" has not set yet. After all everybody has been giving me great worries on twin pregnancy, but these two had been complete darlings and I barely had any problem, which I havent had before. Pregnancy hasnt really given me any big physical discomfort.
5. How does it feel when the babies move?
It feels like a thump thump thump ... somewhat like a heart beat. This is how much is there at this point of time (23 weeks+). I cant sense two different thumps. There is no way to realize two beings, unless there is ultrasound. What surprised me was the visibility. Even though I am thick skinned and muscled, I can still watch them move like "Jerry (mouse!) under the carpet" under my belly skin. These movements are quite visible and not necessarily sensible. The thump is actually a big skin movement - like a small bubble up. When I turn left to sleep, I can sense much more movement, the left one is the kudukudusamy I suppose. But it doesnt disrupt my sleep yet. I almost expect some movement when I go to sleep and fall asleep observing that, somekind of a good passtime like listening to music!

THATS ALL FOLKS.

Baby purchase

2008-12-21T22:36:00.000-08:00

So we finally made it to the shop where they sell infant stuff. Many pregnant women have told me about the "pleasures" of shopping for the tiny tot. But uhhhh ... nothing was springing from my hormones, and even at the shop I didnt feel "oh so cute" for anything!!! :) Kiddos you have one dry mammaa in the making for sure! :) It is something that we finally found the big shop (mini mall?!) that was somewhere hiding behind crazy market streets, where even a Maruti has no space to move through.

I looked at familiar stuff that I have bought from USA for many of my relative's children. Usually I am told exactly what brand, what color, what size I need to buy - so I have gained some memory and knowledge for stuff I had bought before! So I went looking for Avent Nipple, Fisher Price stuff etc. Can you believe it is exactly the same price as in USA?! One nipple costs about $10 (possibly less?!) there and here it costs Rs.440 per piece! Yes, the one that just covers the feeding bottle or serves as pacifier. It has silicon is it?! The Fisher Price stuff were all around Rs.5000 (I was trying to recollect, were they really $100?! I cant remember any american friend of mine who would have bought anything for $100 except for a car seat for safety reasons may be!!!). Indian consumers have very high "willingness to pay" for sure. I think here people are super-senti about being a parent and they would spend 10 times the normal amount, if it were for their kids!

Just take this fact that my mom has sent out several packets of hand made laddoos, murukkus, mixture, super packed as masakkai palakaram all over Tamil Nadu to many of our relatives, last week on her way to attending a marriage - YES ALL HAND MADE! Then this sunday she has visited my in-laws with another big round of snacks (everything counting to atleast 100 I suppose!!!) ALL HAND MADE AGAIN, and that is to go around in-laws home and some are coming this way. With all this she feels very guilty that she isnt giving me as much as her parents gave her! We resisted her mega plans on the 5th month black saree celebration which goes with masakkai palakaram, so this is happening remotely!!! No, this isnt seemantham yet, there is a lot of pressure for that too and we are totally resisting it. I was asking prax do you really think we will do any of this for our kids?! :) And prax was saying I only hope they choose a partner as soon as they can and go and live happily some where with the love of their life and that is that! :))) ... I went to sleep wondering if I would take Brittania tins of murukku to Helsinki or something when I am expecting to be a grand-mom?! It felt funny and possible. Why not? I can sense why grandmas are sometimes this way! :)

After some really really really serious thinking over "Cradle/basinet/cot" for the twins - wood/iron/bamboo and all kinds of combinations - this is one one thing I have been thinking about for more than three months, it finally dawned on me yesterday that the best choice is "saree-thottil"! It wraps them very well, ties up their hand so well on the sides as recommended by the latest pediatricians of america, it would put them to sleep early, and if they wet it all that you do is roll the thing sidewards while it dries out! Man how ingenious.

Imagine two kids peeing around all the time on the "sophisticated" bed and we need to dry them out on the monsoon rain in June?! How impractical! Added to that there is fungus everywhere in the west coast in monsoon, why risk it with pee'd around beds for babies? Even before the monsoon, it would be burning hot in April and why put them on a bed which would burn even more on their skin... let them happily hang on to a cotton saree with the breeze moving through. I am convinced - it should be simply a thottil, just a rod and a thread with a nice cotton saree to hold them, hung it low enough and that should do for three months. :) I dont know if that sounds too stingy or traditional - but somehow it feels ingenious and very practical after so much of thinking I have put into this! Both my mom and MIL are surprised, but I am sure this is what I want! Yes I dont wear a saree, but I am happy to get as many for my kids and fresh colorful beds as often as they want! :) I have always loved cotton sarees, just that I never wore them! Now Im happy to buy them for the kids!

No more movies until delivery

2008-12-19T21:05:00.000-08:00

I am just so ashamed to admit this. But this is just a big truth I cant hide away from. I have heard about pregnancy blues and moods. I have heard many jokes about it. Many told me that we are highly sensitive when we are pregnant. My mom insisted on not going to serious movies and she shut down the TV when there was too much action. I thought that was all silly - movie is immoral for pregnant women kind of baseless notion.

But man oh man, you should have seen me yesterday evening! I was crying buckets you know for what movie? the silliest, goofiest, completely idiotic sentimental, "rab ne bana di jodi" ... I specifically went for this movie inspite of the fact that everybody informed me that it sucks, because it is Shahrukh Khan, and I have always giggled and laughed like a nut with his movies, always came out with a feel good or a riotous time. But this movie, definitely not anyway closer to any other movie of his, made me shed more tears than "Taare Zameen Par"!!! Absolutely uncontrollable. As if I was two different human beings, one finding the crying one completely idiotic.

My brain and rationality was in war with my eyes and harmones - it was screaming out loud, "no way I am feeling sad for this, there is no god damn way I am moved by any of this dialogue, this whole thing is so stupid, so idiotic", but then my harmones and eyes were completely deaf. I was crying from the beginning to the end! I had to rationalize in many different ways. I had to think may be it is the loud music from the sterios ... I could ofcourse sense my kiddos going thump thump thump excited, with all the lows and highs in the theater volume - but the tears - they were the most crocodile ones in my entire life! I had absolutely no rhyme or reason to be crying and I was crying, not just this much that much, but buckets!!!

I wondered if there is too much salt in my body, if my body was shedding out all the salt via tears and bringing down blood pressure and preventing pre-eclampsia or something in the name of Shahrukh Khan?! :) ... I was so pissed off with myself that I really really declared I didnt enjoy the movie at all (there were atleast some part that were crazy fun as they are in all SRK movies, even then I was still unstoppably crying!!! believe it or not!) I sometimes seriously wondered if my body is in discomfort or pain and I am ignoring it and it is taking its time out to cry in the dark when the movie is up! Definitely freaky to discover that we are completely out of control of our emotions! Definitely felt like two different beings - I wanted to completely disown the crying menace of a being sitting in my name! :)

So I came out and declared I am not watching a movie until May. Forget about the fact that I would never be able to watch a movie in a theater for a long-long time to come with twins to care for. These crocodile tears that flow in buckets is driving me crazy enough - that I strongly feel it is not worth going again! Prax was saying "it wasnt all your harmones fault, SRK movies are always sentimental and this one was too ... May be we should have gone to Madagascar" I was still angry with myself "Sentimental? I feel more like mental right now?!!! :) ... Thank goodness I wasnt watching Madagascar and crying buckets" - imagine that!!! Definitely have to go to psychiatric ward after that!

I dont know if I have actually been rude or unnecessarily angry during this pregnancy - I havent observed - I cant recollect. I know I could be now. After all these pregnancy blues have become way too obvious to me yesterday evening. Yeah, yeah, pranayama, mild music, prayers, shaanth shaanth rahna bahuth important hai ... I know. But I thought I was okay perfectly okay emotionally until yesterday evening! SIGH! :)

good hours and good days

2008-12-18T21:59:00.000-08:00

I am feeling much better now. The virus has finally gotten out of my darn throat. It woke me up only a few times yesterday night and had a long sound (high snoring!!!) sleep in the morning and I am feeling good. It is only when you recover from certain illness that you realize the absolute pleasure of simply having a normal day with normal health! This good feeling is making me imagine how good it would be to finally have delivered both. I probably would stand up and dance "nakka mukka nakka mukka" kind of kuththu dance - atleast in mind! Post partum depression?!!! I dont know about that. But it should definitely feel absolutely marvelous to get the load out of the tummy finally!!! :) ...

I am having cream of mushroom soup - the easiest but yet very fancy sounding recipe. Feels great with a cold - with all the milk and pepper and protein to go with. This is one recipe we could never mess up, no matter what we do! :) So I do it whenever I can see a packet of mushroom anywhere in this market - which is not quite often!

Yesterday morning because of the cold I had woken up early and finally finally got to see the Kalaignar TV yoga class for pregnant women! 6:30am I suppose - it was short - was it 15 minutes? There was only two exercises, still it felt somehow see some comraderie and all the flowing tamil coversation. It would have been nice if real pregnant women were exercising!

We went to the doctor for the second tetanus injection, and as usual had my list of questions to ask. The doctor was somehow relaxed and in a good mood too. First I asked him "am I too heavy?" when he put me on the scale. He said "2.6 kg" per month is pretty normal. Then we went in for him to check the fundus, heart beat etc., and he came out and said "you are much distended than normal indeed" - so parvathymma you were right in someways!!! I wanted to joke I probably would end up making a world record being longer horizontally than vertically, but I was a little worried what the medical consequences of "distended" could mean. He immediately wrote some tablets (Duvadilon?) and told me this would prevent me from entering pre-mature labour! My goodness I am barely 23rd week and should I already think about pre-mature labour!!! Ofcourse immediately after returning home I was searching the google doctor all about Duvadilon and pre-mature and need for worrying as early as beginning of 6th month! It is said that it is a muscle relaxant and it would avoid the cervix from opening up. So some kind of prevention?! ... Ofcourse there are enough people who go against the tablet too.

I suppose I should be happy that this is only a preventive measure and nothing really seriously physically discomforting is happening to me as yet! As usual I saw a few women suffering inside the clinic, one was completely off, barely two months pregnant perhaps but she was fainting and nauseated and what nots. I with my big basket belly was happy standing up and wondering where to go for yoga class since I am free now. I got the yoga CD from the doctor and some yoga pamphlets too!

We finally asked the most difficult but yet the most important question for us. Will prax be allowed inside the delivery room? He said no, not in your chosen hospital. He said he is building his own clinic but it wont be ready by April, and he is making provision for husband to join in! This is somewhat a disappointment for us. Given that prax freaked out merely looking at me getting a one inch tattoo with a glee face, I wonder how much he would bear watching me screaming like hell (as they show in movie?!!! ...). But I desperately need him to remind me to breathe in and out properly during contraction, to massage my back, for me to lean on between and during contractions and what nots. I know that I might even poop at the delivery table (a whole lot of pooping on the table jokes I have seen now, that it seems okay to write it even in the blog!!!) and have warned prax it is the most horrible site ever including me going to get a deep incision much bigger than my tattoo down there at the most sensitive region! He seems all daring and bold and curious now! But it looks like atleast the final part the doctor wont let him in. I would atleast have him until 10cm dilation I hope.

I talked to him about perineal stretch. Somehow yesterday he seemed relaxed, I seemed more relaxed and I just decided to ask him. He said there are studies on it, and it is not a 100% proof against no tear, but there is no evidence whether it would avoid weak muscles, prolapse etc, which could be an unwanted consequence later. He told me episiotomy is quite simple and straightforward and the stitch will heal very well. The way he said it with confidence, suddenly episiotomy doesnt seem too scary! He put it as if it is easy, safe and best. Even though we are having twins he is still hopeful that it could be vaginal birth, we cant tell until the last ultrasound he says. Next ultrasound for me would be on 30th week!

So today has been a good day. Some big things off the chest, both worries and virus! But I am still havent taken my first half the tablet of Duvadilon, I should?

To fatten or not to fatten?!

2008-12-18T01:50:00.000-08:00

The biggest pleasure of pregnancy, other than going through a 'whisper' 'stay free' routine every moon cycle, is the fact that we can eat anything and everything that our tongue would allow. Even though the first trimester is a little crazy, I would say too crazy, the tongue and nose being over active and letting us not eat our favorite food, by the time we come to the end of the second trimester, we can pig out on ice-cream and cakes and what nots and everybody would say "have some more, some more!!!" :))) ooh la laa :) ...

Even when I look like I have swallowed a football or a basket ball, people claim that I have become thin!!! :))) ... Sometimes it doesnt seem to be a casual concern, just for a good word talk, sometimes they seem serious, and I start worrying "Really,... my goodness, are my children's spine getting affected, or is it their lungs?" ... Pretty freaky to wonder every little bit of a human system gets formed from what we eat! The usual claim is that I have changed structure - which I somewhat agree with ... I used to have a muscular "bailwaan" look because of all the aerobics, and natural broad structure, inspite of my short height, but after pregnancy, somehow things have changed around, making me look much less muscular, and somewhat feminine and hence a bit weaker ...

Only my maid gives me the opposite point of view, she keeps saying "you are too fat, too fat for your month, ..." even when I say "but there are two..." she keeps insisting I cut down on the tablets, because her second son was born 5kg and it was terribly difficult vaginal birth, so she warns me everytime not to fatten this way!!! :))) ...
I keep looking into the mirror and I see a basketball popping out and in the weighing machine about 6 to 7kg up the normal mark. Websites claim this weight gain is okay for twins for this month. But there seem to be no standards to verify. Only strange thing is the actual circumference by tape measure has only changed one or two inches, but there is a big basketball balloon popping in the front, so somehow the side things have moved up front, making me possibly look thinner than before!!! Which also gives me a scary forethought that after delivery all of it is going to go occupy the sides and the inches arent disappearing any sooner!!!

I am just simply happy to be back pigging out on ice-creams happily. Not a month ago I couldnt even imagine anything sweet. Now I chose to have vanilla ice-cream as my medicine to my evening acidity/nausea. I read somewhere vanilla ice-cream is a remedy, and I tried one evening and it worked like a charm. Now who wouldnt want an ice-cream as a medicine?! :) ... I suppose it is either evening hunger that is getting quenched, or it is really the calcium in the cream that is bringing down the acidity, but I know it works - works very well.

But the problem is that last two days, we had department parties and we had been eating out, finishing off with an ice-cream during the dinner too. I completely enjoyed a Brownie-a-la Mode at a Baskin Robbins at 10pm two nights ago, and here I am with all my upper holes completely blocked too!!! DARN! It is such a pain to have such a mess in all the lower holes, and here with all the upper holes blocked too, with one god darn virus, I had a miserable miserable time yesterday night. After a long time I had a restless night waking up every two three hours drinking a glass hot water, to soothe my throat - virus had completely taken over my body. My self-piteous brain kept screaming "Im just so f..k'd up, so god dam f...k'd up with all holes completed blocked up" Sneezing with two kids inside is in itself an experience!!! :) My frustrated "f...k'd up, so f...k'd up" even suddenly seemed very rational and appropriate, after all I was pregnant and technically that is what I was! :)))) ... Then very late in the night, I went into the twin pregnancy forum where I havent been in a long time, and was watching the dialogues of all those people whom I watched when I was at eight weeks ... My batch mates I should say - april delivery group ... This whole group was having so many strange serious problems, that mine seemed suddenly too trivial. Somebody's cervix had already funneled, somebody was having a twin-transfusion syndrome, somebody put to bed rest, ... oh my goodness, I felt so sad for them, stopped feeling all that f...k'd up, and then finally went to sleep making peace with my situation.

Going in for my second tetanus injection tonight. Need to ask the doctor if I am too fat, or what?! The issue with twin pregnancy is that, if we become even a little fatter than what is expected we end up delivering too soon, lung development is a challenge then ... Pre mature birth is the only biggest concern in multiple birth and weight is a major concern other than pre-eclampsia.

Making space around the pelvis

2008-12-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

I am not an expert at it. But I know I need to get things flexible around the pelvic region. No, I am not practicing my Kegels yet. Okay I do it once in a while getting worried, but no not a habit, inspite of very very clearly knowing that I have to get into the habit. And, No, I havent even read clearly about the perineal stretch and it still scares the shit out of me to imagine what the heck is that all supposed to be about. Yes I sure dont want bad tear, not the 11 stiches that I gave my mother, being born that fat! But man, perineal stretch is not like sambar recipe, I cant ask some random person and I dont know who has done it, or who cares.

But sometimes necessity drives innovation, pain pushes you to practice, embarassment inspires you to be enthusiastic. So the moment I discovered I have started to run for "peeing/weeing" I realized things are all messed up down there, may be because I was sitting all day in a chair, or because babies are growing and pushing things down there. What was worse was that, after the four days workshop I discovered my feet were swollen. My mom and prax (and the doctors) have been looking at my feet quite often and I have been quite proud (and relieved and happy) to have no swelling there. But then there it was right after the workshop.

Barley water, barley water, I kept saying, but then where to go buy Barley we didnt know. Prax said "just drink more water." And I drank a little more I guess - not too much - never can be sure. But then what really helped according to my logic is that "side leg lift" exercise, that suddenly intuitively made sense to me and I figured thats the best way to get rid of my water accumulation and get my pelvis to open up and relax a bit. This exercise was a routine exercise in the aerobic classes and was recommended in pregnancy yoga books. Yes, to reduce the swollen feet you are asked to sleep with your feet high on a pillow, but that wasnt practical for me. So I chose to exercise and just a few repeats and voila it was all gone the next morning.

Here is the exercise:
Lay on side; Legs straight; Lift & lower
Make sure you are comfortable. Move only with physical comfort. Lay on side is not as easy as it sounds, a pregnant woman has to take the most comfortable position on the side, and then slowly lift it until you feel comfortable enough. Yes you can lift it all the way high if you are in a comfortable side position. The key to the exercise is after you lift it, hold it for 6 counts (6 seconds) up there - you could actually grab the back of your inner thigh with your hands to have some stability - simply use your hands to stabilize your leg in the air. This should be absolutely no strain at all. Just a few repeats on the right and then on the left. I felt things were much calmer on all holes after that.

I also do the walking on toes, then heels, then either side of your feet side edges - like Kathakali dancer, just for a few minutes before sleeping - This was recommended by Nutan Pandit, in her book. This enhances circulation to the feet.

The best part is that, I got an intuitive warning in my head that I was going to get "cramps" that night. I cant explain to you how it is, but I knew "Cramps are coming tonight, if I dont prevent it." That is what hurried me to practice the side lifts and it definitely helped. I feel like I have been getting quite close to the cramps and have been surviving without it so far.

But the bad news was one day, I ate something wrong. Yes I cooked it myself and ate it and I have no idea if it was the water or food or what the hell. But I had a very very violent vomitting session in the night. It just took over my entire body (Gosh I cant imagine how delivery is going to be, if vomitting can get this crazy controlling!!!). The way it happened I hemorrhaged my eyes! Yes that is not a big deal but looks awful. I have had it before - bloody tears. This time I was so busy vomitting I didnt see the blood too. Only the next day morning I woke up with a red streak on the side that slowly spread to the pupil and we could see the blood draining out itself. All this for this small stupid one evening of vomitting. No idea why and how it started. But it ended the headache I had that evening and I slept happily. I have vomitted very few times in this pregnancy. It always started with a headache and I was happy to vomit out, to get rid of the headache. But this time it was violent.

And I was thinking I will be in control, in complete conscience in my birthing moment and breathe out and breathe in and deliver slowly without tearing up so much, and here I was merely vomitting and got completely taken over by my physique so violently that it ended hemorrhaging my eyes!!! :)

But then I hadnt practiced vomitting calmly have I?! :)))) ... I think I should practice before things get out of hand. Yes I had enough control to go and vomit properly in the toilet bowl and keep everything clean and all that, but I realized that is not all control is about. One should watch the physique and control it too, and I have never thought about it, and didnt control it, and it was too unexpectedly violent. I realized thanks to that one evening session that I care too much about socially appropriate behavior and forget caring about my physique and take it easy on my own body! :) Hmmm... a pregnant woman should learn early enough I suppose. But then do I always practice what I wish I did? Grrrrr ... I seem to be so blah blaaah talky talky ... and no action! I should be more ready.

I had been reading up on this (http://www.radmid.demon.co.uk/perineum.htm)so sincerely, have to read it again and again to get it all into my head and I wonder do doctors really care and hold the perineum as a medical practice, do they rush up and guard it when the elbow emerges? Should the mother do it herself? "Hands on" is something talked only by midwives or do doctors care? Or should we take responsibility and care for it? There seems to be a lot of things I dont know, even if I know, I dont seem to know that clearly. I only hope I know enough to be sane on the d-day!

Tummy, maternity dress, weight, pee runs...

2008-11-29T07:57:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post some photos of dress options - home made and bought. Havent made them yet. Just words for now.

Suddenly in last one week, I have ran out of dresses to wear. All pants were to be abandoned. The very flexible sports pants - three fourths - still remains a little friendlier than other regular pants. Finally we marched to the local stores hunting for maternity dress, and I was glad to find some. Since my mom stitched me cotton dresses (from very cheap but very comfortable cotton material) that resemble pinafore with an overcoat (since nothing holds you at the hip, and covers you well!), I had a preference towards that kind of dresses. I loved her dresses, but they needed ironing and werent all that formal. Got one that looked a little formal enough to wear outside in a relatively smaller store. When I went into the biggest superstore in town, I was surprised to find out that the sales reps didnt know what I meant by "maternity dress" - I showed them my expanding tummy and there was a smile, but a puzzle, "so? ..." They havent heard special dresses for maternity. After all chudithars are really comfortable, loose enough to expand forever, but still tying the pants up isnt a very welcome experience in pregnancy (and that it can slide so easily!!!). No idea how mothers managed sarees all through, tying up their in-skirts so tight!!! ...

Finally I hunted on my own and figured two or three normal tops were very suitable for maternity and were formal enough to wear outside and easy to wash. I went back to another store and figured they had maternity pants - was happy to get one - but didn't want to invest too much for a 3 month struggle!!! :) After all I need to be formal only two more weeks!

And my tummy is expanding rapidly. I still cant believe I have two living beings each about 10 inches each (I try to imagine two wooden scales that we use in school, inside my tummy!). I definitely dont look that big (as I fear), secret could be the back and front alignment of the twins. And prax indicated to me in the 18th week ultrasound they are indeed two weeks ahead in expected growth not one as in the 8th week one. Eaaan?! I thought twins are supposed to be smaller!!! I wonder if I should listen to the very wise mother of three sons parvathymma who helps out with house cleaning - she told me "dont take the entire tablet, the doctor gives you, your child will be too big!" ... I considered her wisdom, then thought only half is going to each anyway. But then I wonder if its really prax "tall" genes, or is it my tablets? or just a measurement error in mm level?!!! ... No idea but they are big, and I suppose I should be happy!

My weight - lets start with the pre-pregnancy truth, I suppose I was about 10kg overweight already!!! :) Some of it have been muscles built on gyms, not just aerobics but even weights! Thankfully these muscles in my back and tummy have given me very peaceful pregnancy physically - so I am not all that upset about my excess weight after I see the benefit of muscles during pregnancy! :)
Now with this pregnancy - in these 20 weeks, I have gained about 6 more kgs.
But the best part is that I dont really feel too big "all day". It only feels worse in the evenings - I feel too full in the evenings, and mornings I feel like Katrina Kaif (yeah?!!! :) ...) and am even willing to go for a jog if others wont mind. Psychologically I feel totally light and brisk in the mornings and I feel like a hippopotamus in the evenings walking like a penguin.

Suddenly last one week, finally that "running to pee two drops" had started! So something is pressing down my bladder and ofcourse the other holes too causing unwanted chaos. Hopefully they get resolved soon. It isnt too bad, only that the moment I think "Do I want to pee" and by the end of that thought popping into my head I have to dash to the bathroom. If I am attending a class, a meeting, working busily, didnt think about "pee", I seem to be very fine! :) I have no clue how it works.

I traveled in very crowded completely chaotic town buses, once on a stranger's two wheeler (pilot-taxi), in jiggly-juggly autos, and walked in crazy crowds - long distances, taking advantage of the second trimester peaceful physique situation, but I realized it isnt all that easy. I have lost the capacity to hang on to the bar of the bus, not because I am pregnant, and press my weight down without falling, I realized am scared to sit in a two wheeler going up and down a hill facing one side (both legs) with an expanding tummy, on a very dark night. The pilot (two wheeler taxi) was a good driver and took me quite smoothly, though prax freaked out when he heard what I did! :)

I had been learning, attending a workshop for a week, kept me quite cerebrally busy, happy and passionate with a great teacher, and completely forgot pregnancy, all the hours, except during tea break, when I thought "do I want to pee now?" ... I know for sure I need to keep myself busy with something passionate, otherwise, I am going to be preoccupied with all holes messed up down there! :) People dont guess I am pregnant that quickly, because of my attitude I suppose, I am running around and acting like a crazy teenager, but soon find out, and give a surprised look (is that really a belly or is she? ... look!). I remember the late night town bus driver, first told me the bus doesnt go that far, but I can walk 15 minutes to reach my destination and thats the only option. After about 10 minutes, he came to me and said "You know you shouldnt walk alone this late night, I will drop you where you can get a pilot, autos wont be around at this time." He looked worried! :) So he figured I am more than one. Pregnancy is not hiding itself from my conscience too, physical discomfort are becoming more apparent than before. But not bad. Not yet - touch wood! :)

The making of thoppai lakshmi (thoppai samy?)

2008-11-20T04:14:00.000-08:00

I finally finally finally got to do the ultrasound! The result: excellent - both. There is a thin membrane separating them - they have their own separate quarters! Though one (love) is kicking away the poor other fat one (happiness) all the way through the thin membrane!!! :) Love is hyperactive on my left side, the one that disappeared during doppler - kept moving crazy happily even during ultrasound. S/He is also attached to the posterior wall I suppose, so not easily available for view. The other one is attached to the anterior wall of the uterus, and readily available and sitting relatively quietly (and comely!).

The funny truth is that both are one week ahead in their growth, they show 19 week+ when I am only 18 weeks + (may be due to my short cycles), both are of almost very close - equal size, which is pretty amazing when they are twins.

But the joke of the day was that the Twin A, our happiness, is actually having an abdomen size of 20 weeks!!! :) That is the only strange thing in the report. No, the doctor didnt say so, I was just laughing away seeing it, on my own, amusing myself. It looks like the fat gene from my side is quite active there! :))) ... Not just new york times, but even times of India now has articles about how being fat gets determined even at foetus stage. This little chubby one is already having a big abdomen - so I have succeeded in making a Junior Thoppai Lakshmi :))) ... Or is it thoppai samy?! My MIL would be very happy if it turns out lakshmi though - because usually she says "if only we could have a fat little girl baby in our family" They havent seen a girl for three generations, and I am the last straw of hope. She (MIL) always mentions "fat/chubby" whenever she talks of her want for a grand daughter. If I am really making a thoppai Lakshmi I will be super special!!! :) for that reason alone.

But prax is sure he saw the weiner of the Twin B, and that the radiologist immediately zoomed out, dimmed out and then took the photo, well I didnt see it, I was saying to prax, may be it was just an umblical cord! So it looks like the active one, our love person is kudukudusamy and not lakshmi! :)

We tried our luck asking the radiologist, "is it legal to ask if both are of same sex or different" for which the so-far-friendly radiologist was a bit troubled, and didnt meet our eyes, nodded his head in negative and gave us a strong "YES IT IS ILLEGAL TO ASK" answer. And we ran away.

But then soon we were getting distracted by the big abdomen (thoppai - belly) of our twin A and amusing ourselves.
I tried very hard on the net to see what is normal for 18th week ultrasound measurements and I couldnt find any - I should just take the radiologist word that it is all perfect and good.

But I thought I would publish my data anyway so that it is useful to someone looking for a reference. So here it is Twin A, Twin B:
BPD - 46mm, 46mm
Head circumference - 166mm, 168mm
Abdominal circumference - 146mm(fatty), 140mm
Femoral Length - 30mm, 31mm
Cardiac activity: 156(kudukudusamy, love) 147(thoppailakshmi, happiness) BPM.

I dont know what it means but it says, placentae are of grade 1 maturity. (Cervix 34mm, same as at 8 weeks, I read somewhere that somehow this is important for twins?!! no clue why!)

Though on the day of u/s I was somewhere in 18 weeks 4 days, I have been consistently measuring one week ahead, and in this case they measure 19 week 4 days LMP - each one. Yes though they are twins both are of significant good size and both are a week ahead in size. But strangely I am not feeling I am 38 weeks pregnant (imagine 19 weeks + 19 weeks material inside!!!), which is the better part, but yes my belly is growing now, and very visible and I am definitely cant wear pants anymore that comfortably.

By the way I finally figured what all those talk about belly button popping out was all about - prax showed me that my belly button is coming out - WHHAAAATTT?! I couldnt believe it first. What has pregnancy got to do with MMMYYYYY belly button? I dont know. I have a significantly big one, owing to my fatty big belly, but even that one is closing down now!!! This is one bit of information on pregnancy which I never knew until this week!

the clueless dreamy BIRTHER in me

2008-11-15T01:39:00.000-08:00

I had been visiting very capable doctors. But they were always having an overflowing crowd. They barely had 10 minutes for each patient. They should be good at what they do. So many trust them. There was barely one butt length of space waiting for you to squeeze in the small benches. I usually waited half an hour at the least over my appointment time.

I just looked around all the ballooning tummies, all those women who had come alone, those who were with their mother-in-laws, those who were sweating, those who had very enormously swollen feet, looking at all of them, I felt like a fortunate queen, I barely had nausea, and I had prax and amma waiting for me. I even stood up often to give space for the more unfortunate of them. I seem to be too normal and too content, and felt guilty of even taking up the doctor's time, when there were so many pressing needs. I usually wrote down all my questions in a bit of paper and asked them quickly, because I wanted to get the maximum out of the 10 minutes. When I was put in the bed to test, I just lay there and let them test, be it BP or fundus of my uterus and usually "everything okay" was the two word phrase that were told, and that was good enough.

Every question was answered from the baby's point of view- this cultural shock was too difficult to get used to for a while "but,... doctor ME, MEE, MEEEEE!!!" I wanted to say, but I wasnt sure, I tried to put the ME PRIORITY part stealthily inside questions, but it went unaddressed. Prax was permanently discriminated against, and nobody cared about what he wanted, how he wanted to participate. Even when he got anxious and asked some question, the protective doctors suddenly thought he was going against me, and went against him! Poor guy, he couldnt figure out why such response! I had to explain to him in all possible ways, "buddy, in this world, men still blame women for anything thats wrong with pregnancy, so your doubts naturally are looked upon as blames". He was just looked upon from their worldly exposure point of view. He was frustrated. He felt discriminated very much. "How come nobody trusts my parenthood" was his constant complaint. My mother was no exception! I tried to tell prax, "look man, my father came to see me three days after I was born, that is the only kind of husband she knows!"

So when we went into this birthing center, we had very low expectations. I even thought they would say I am not fit for it, with my age, and twins. I wanted to know how much I can expect a vaginal birth - if I get more comfortable may be something about perineal massage to avoid episiotomy. I wasnt sure how it would go. But they welcomed me. My anxieties over my age and twins were cheerfully ignored, you would be the best case I was told - I was reassured scientifically how it would be easy for twins - though complications were explained with real baby models.

They talked to me for one and half hour, I ran out of questions to ask. Not just about my uterus, but about my life, my preferences, everything, about their education, why they are doing what they do, what I am to them, everything was openly discussed. I was interviewed inside the room where I would possibly deliver. I was asked to use the toilet which I would use right during my delivery. I was right there, to feel it all. I know I really wanted to know, the cat inside every woman is there within me a lot - I always want to check out the space, before I move in. I talk with other women in my campus, who worry about the hospital, where I went for D&C. I know exactly what cats in us want, I tell them bathroom size, water for 24 hours, bed size, walk around space, friendliness of staff, taste of breakfast, privacy, every little thing I cared about. Ofcourse I am so masculine, I have such a big DOG within me too. I always want to be reassured that I am loved, and why I am loved. I am wagging my tail all the time in the mind, seeking reassurance. I always sense the direct chemistry during conversation, the comfort level, and that is very very important to me. I need to sense that I am trusted and I am loved. I am just such a sucker for this, I sometimes cry crazily when I sense otherway and turn completely frigid! :) My biggest personality problem centers around this. The big discussion of what I am to them, greatly put the big dark doberman doggy in me in complete cheerfulness.

So when I was directly taken into the room where I would deliver, without even me(us) asking for it, I (my cat) was impressed - greatly. When I was put in the bed for the test, Prax was asked why dont he join us, and he happily moved from the chair to the bed. He was so gladly surprised, he was all gleeful! He was still getting used to the "we encourage participatory father" idea, he sat in the corner of the bed and watched. She then asked me "dont you want to know what I am doing, dont you want to know where your uterus is?" I was so happy, I nodded. So my hand was trained to feel my tummy. There do you see your hand pressing in - there is nothing there, now move up, you see a mountain raising - thats uterus tip. I was even told to touch my children - which I wasnt sure at all that I can. She asked me to press, and I was afraid I am going to break the babies neck or something. I did feel something. She showed me both. She told me how big my uterus is now, even though the babies are only 4 inches (yes that small data I know from internet). She showed me how to measure my uterus. Possibly prax was also expected to join the game, but he wasnt sure he was allowed, they werent sure he wanted to, so he kept watching excitedly. (We will do it later at home!).

After I pee'd I wasnt sure where to keep the cup and didnt know what next, it was a homely room and not a clinic. I saw the colorful strip - I was aware she was going to test with that strip. We were so glad when she called us to look at the strip and verify the result (she seemed surprised we didnt join on our own!!!). She explained what each color meant, yes the final answer was "everything is good, you are fine" but the little details, every little color verification game felt very satisfying. We felt we were responsible and that we know what is happening. We hadnt surrendered as we did with our doctors. We were participating and we were encouraged to. We liked it.

The best was doppler. Ultrasound compared to doppler is very urbane, sophisticated and calm piece. Doppler is like a happy joyful toy. I have never seen a doppler - didnt imagine what it would do, when she brought it to my tummy. I was overwhelmed with surprise and happiness when we heard the heartbeat, and the swoosh swoosh, and "poink" "koink" running away of the baby. Yes I know the decibel level for a foetus is supposedly equivalent to a helicopter hovering over your house and hence babies always move around. But this whole heart beat, movement, sound magic was amazing. I was given the count in real time. I was hearing the babies heart in real time. Then came the next baby. Which was more mysterious - she said she couldnt locate it that easily. Something sounded like heart beat, but she said that is a cord - I dont know how they can tell - yes I know umblical cord has a beat, but it was almost like a heart. Then she told me to listen to the more softer sound in the background and she asked me to compare and she said that should be mine. Hmmmm... I didnt get it all with the second one. I was getting anxious where it had run away. I was getting anxious if the heart beat wasnt good. She told me it could be sleeping and not active and hence could have a lower beat - may be 138 for this one, whereas that one was 150. I became a little anxious, I am still waiting for an ultrasound confirmation whether both are okay. Except for this tiny little anxiety, the overall experience was supergood.

Suddenly pregnancy, motherhood felt more closer to me, than the doctor. I liked that. I still greatly doubt my performance on the real day of delivery, I might completely chicken out, and be begging for medical mercy, I dont know. But I still have a great idealistic dream and passion for a delivery at home. I am so happy that we finally walked towards this dream, even though it was so far away in some corner of this world, I cant believe caucasians went so far deep into this country in its villages, to find happiness. The roads were so small and so steep at one point prax went dizzy going on reverse gear on a steep hill. We finally made it there and we had a grand experience. I am atleast happy that I finally finally pushed myself to check out how my dream world actually looks like in reality. I dont know how things would move in future, if I would really live out my dream. But the first experience was awesome.

Eyes wide open - upon ordinary things

2008-11-11T00:28:00.000-08:00

You have possibly often seen a twin banana - but have you seen a twin Bhendi?! :) Here you go.
Here is a sample from my very own garden. You can compare the regular one on the left with the twin (big) one on the right. Yes I could get ecstatic over the mystic connection, between me and the Bhendi, or get down realistic and say that finally I am more observant of things, and especially I am able to see twin, reproduction, children, puppies, fruit, seed, bee, sparrow everything on a different light, since I can relate to them more and much better now! My mom first spotted it, and I believed the twin nature of it only by comparing it with the other regular Bhendi on the next branch! (By the way Bhendi already has many seeds, what is this twin thing all about!!! :) That is true for banana too. So usually in a single fruit one pollen makes so many seeds in one fruit, then all seeds are identical multiplets usually, then a twin banana/bhendi is two of what now - egg? then a twin banana is always fraternal there or what? :) ... Man, I dont have a clue, do I? Never had these doubts before!)

One of the second trimester anxieties is the passage of time! Time seems to move dead slow. We count months, then weeks, then days, even minutes dont seem to move. We always want it to be 40th week already! (Yeah once I reach there, I wish I was back in week 16!!! :) ...). One such strange day I was watching my thayumanavar Papaya plant's first fruit. It has been there for so long, I wondered if it was there for 6 months already. I dont know Papaya gestation time. But the happy sparrow parents have long gone away, they had such a short family responsibility time - I felt sad for the papaya and wished I were a sparrow! :)

Finally after a week suddenly the papaya started showing orange, giving me high hopes over passage of time, it started painting itself beautifully orange and we took it out of the mother after a few more orange strokes and kept it in our table for the full ripening and it ripened so beautifully into one uniform orange color within three days or so! Today we had cut it open and prax and amma are enjoying it! Well I was given a piece or two as my quota, since papaya is still considered a "kamsan" - foetus killer in my part of the ethnic culture!

What have I been doing? Enjoying the peaceful beginning of the second trimester. Even the evening nausea and acidity seem to have vanished. I am just fattening crazily - I am getting fatter than the rate at which my mom is able to stitch clothes for me. Had been reading up on food allergies starting with Indian Mommies blog site. Had also been reading up a lot on twin brith in a UK site. This site is extremely informative for twin motherhood, but pretty weird when it loads first, most of the stories dont load immediately, you only see a form and feel discouraged, but after two minutes all photos, stories load at the bottom soon below the forms! I had been freaking myself with the twin belly photos here among other things!!! :) ... Had been learning up on all kinds of deliveries for twins.

Belly growth and diet additions

2008-11-01T22:37:00.000-07:00

I didnt check my weight during diwali week. And suddenly after diwali I realized my tummy has become a big visible bump - not the usual, my plumpy self - but a real pregnant look - rounding off tummy. So I go check myself at the weighing machine and freak myself out. I have gained almost 5kgs already in this pregnancy - I am crossing the 10 pounds mark in weight gain! Man, 10 pounds and barely 15 week LMP, which is possibly only 13 week foetus !!!

The only strange thing is that my tummy measures the same, or we dont know to measure tummies! My mom has been against this measuring tummy syndrome, but prax opened an excel chart, and had been recording atleast once a month, though measuring frequently and I am still having the same "inches around my belly" as two months ago! Weird, but I look like I have swallowed a basket ball.

No wonder I am having horrible acidity in the nights again. Some juggling going on down there, love and happiness are moving the furniture around their home!

DIET ADDITIONS FOR SECOND TRIMESTER:
Now I am taking iron tablets and calcium tablets. I tried to search if anyone is talking against them, but most of them actually warn the dangers of not having them - especially for twins! I was a little worried about potential aggravated constipation with iron tablets, but it isnt happening. I was told these days iron tablets may contain laxative components. It definitely has folic acid as the label says. I am taking iron after breakfast and calcium after dinner.

In addition to the medical nutrition supplements, I am having:
Maathullai Mannappaaku - An indian medicine syrup made from pome granate juice with honey. Definitely much easier and tastier to handle than the fruit or fruit juice. We get excellent pome granates here, but I have started to dislike them! So this syrup is a welcome relief, just a table spoon and goes down easy on me!

Aththi pazham - Dried Figs - I dont know what nutritional supplement they add, but I have always heard of them as great laxatives and best way to heal from piles or avoid piles! Dried fig is also easy and tasty to eat and gives me memories of "Fig newtons" of USA grocery shops, which I always liked!

Kaintha Thratchchai - Dried Grapes - Raisins - I think these are nutrition packed things, have heard of them in that context more, and only a year ago, I learnt from vallimma(naachchiyar) in tamilmanam blog world that it is great to relief constipation in infants! Just soak a raisin overnight and give it in the morning! So I suppose its great a laxative too in addition to well packed nutrition bundle.

Distraction a must

2008-10-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

We had my nephew and niece at my home for a week, and I barely remembered I was pregnant. They were having so much fun, time flew very fast. Finally I have figured why second pregnancies are easy. Not just that we are more confident because of prior experience, it could be simply that the first child is so demanding, that all the attention the first one needs distracts the time away from our pregnancy thoughts. Now that they left today afternoon, today evening I am again sensing the slight nausea.

Usually when I am in the class with my students I completely forget that I am pregnant. I forget it so much that I come back on the stairs with the usual jumpy spirit (usually I go two stairs at a time!!!) and these days I am busy thinking something straight out of the class in high spirits and I suddenly catch myself half way in the stair breathing like a dog!!! :) No I cant do two stairs at a time anymore, I dont know if I do it unconsciously, but definitely climbing stairs at a very fast rate always takes away my breath and brings me back to my physical conscience!

Distraction - I dont know if its always a good thing. I am usually a person lost in my thoughts, and very many times have forgotten my age and gender and behaved rather clumsily! :) The worst behavior of mine is tumbling down! I fall down and wonder how it happened! Havent fallen down as a pregnant woman yet, but that is the danger of my distractive mind, busily lost in a cycle of thoughts deepening and widening into all ranges and depths. Recently I have wobbled like a humpty dumpty out of gravity balance, while walking on a street and stepping on the curb. My belly is bulging so much, so fast now, it looks like surely my center of gravity is messed up! :)

This makes me wonder about resignation. Everybody suggests that twin/multiple pregnancies are dangerous from 6th month and its better to take it easy. But I wonder what would I do all day if I have nothing to distract myself from pregnancy thoughts? Need something to seriously to take my mind away from my belly

A drop of blood and a lot of drama

2008-10-30T05:43:00.000-07:00

There is a lot a pregnant woman can learn from a divorcee and a lot a divorcee can learn from a pregnant woman! :) Both highly culturally sensitive areas and any small leakage, brings in a pandemonium! So there I was one fine evening, after my male gynec refused to suggest an ultrasound one more time, and asked me to have it later, after four more weeks, just because he thought both are doing fine - did he check my uterus fundus growth - he seemed to have just pumped my tummy in, slightly once or something, after checking my pressure. Your twins are there, and there is no need to check if they are vanishing, we will check for structural abnormalities at week 20 he concluded. Pressure is good. Great. "Doctor diabetes?" "Yes I know I will tell you when you need to worry about that!" "Okay!"

We brought up the triple test issue one more time, and he asked the poignant questions "So what is the point, even if the triple test shows some dangerous statistics, we dont have facilities here to do the next amniocentesis, if you need to drive yourself anxious just with triple test statistics, which has been proven wrong time and time again, are you ready to make major decisions?" We both practically chickened out at all this and said okay we will come back after a month for "structural abnormalities ultrasound!" and walked out with our prescription for iron tablet and calcium to start for the second trimester.

In the evening, I had a strange tummy pain, strange evacuations and then I saw a drop of blood like yellow spread in my inner wear. For some stupid reason, I walked out of the bathroom and said that it was so! That is it. First my mom freaked out, she practically had a heart attack, for her the arterial clot is in the stomach region, she practically shrunk holding her tummy, in the anxiety, she seemed completely shaken up, giving us commands like "call the doctor, right away, call anna now, oh god I will call the gods" ... Mom that was nothing was a phrase nobody heard. Prax began to freak out too, and he told me to be serious. And for some another bigger stupid reason (there are days I can be mighty stupid!) I added last time the miscarriage started only with a drop of yellow-brown spot, if I recollect correctly. YEAH! That was true. But wrong time to talk about. They both freaked out totally, whereas I was just talking about it like American politics and recession! :)
It took me a few minutes to realize I have committed a big blunder of talking about it all. The wisest thing would have been to keep my mouth shut, because seriously I wasnt feeling odd or sad!

I was forced to make the call to the doctor, who joined the freak force, even before I completed my statement he said "Take Duphaston twice a day, and have bed rest for 8 days" Just to look forward to something nicer in all this drama I asked the doctor "Can I have an ultrasound now to verify if everything is fine" and he came back strongly "BED REST and nothing else, if there is any need we will check after 8 days." WOW No ultrasound too. BED REST? MAN OH NO.... I have to give a quiz tommorrow to the kids and still havent finished syllabus for Test II in the other class. AND BED REST sounds like the scariest punishment to get. I sleep plenty. I can sleep 12 out of 24 hours without an ounce of guilt. But in the bed even 5 minutes when I am not sleepy makes me very restless and almost gives me a headache!

So we finally compromised that we will buy the tablet, check for any discharge again next morning, and take the tablet and the bed rest seriously only if there is any sign tomorrow. Thank goodness as I expected, nothing was out the next day morning. The very expensive duphaston got shelved.

In the night I congratulated myself to have handled my divorce much wisely. I didnt even talk to anyone that I even had a fight, or disagreement. Yeah I was always wiser younger. I thought about the day, I figured out a lawyer, drove on my own to her building as a trial run the day before the actual first discussion, and then remembered the day I was there, at the lobby of the lawyer's office. I was just so calm and cool then. My goodness, what a crazy big thing I was doing so much with good poise and grace. I tried to teach myself the courage of those days. A twin birth cant be harder than that? Why cant I handle it all on my own? If things get worse, only people all around get unnecessarily anxious, sometimes angry, sometimes they under estimate our concern, sometimes they over estimate! Evenutally the consequences are to be faced by us, no matter how it turns out. Whats the point in getting so many people anxious, right?

The Duphaston thing made me inform prax "If I were terminally ill, please let me die, dont make me hang on in Coma, at medical mercy." It did feel very cold hearted and unmotherly like when I said "if the kids decide to give up, let them do so, let us not force them to stay, we never know whats up their end of the bargain in life."
I think just like in Divorce, in miscarriage, the biggest problem is answering everybody around and taking the responsibility for the mishap unnecessarily! One has to learn to reduce the crowd of opinions in such situations surely. Any good hearted well wishing person will freak out with danger signs in all these cases and say things that doesnt sound so pleasing either way! :)

weight sliding up the tummy, not the scale

2008-10-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

Not long ago, I had been watching my weight three times day, sorry that is a gross understatement, I practically stood up on the weighing machine everytime I walked past it. It is because of all the internet photos of twin tummies that I saw, and because of the recommended weight gain anxiety was still new to me. I gained 5 or 6 pounds pretty rapidly in the first two months, and everywhere it was written that weight gain should be only in the second trimester. During this time my mom was reprimanding me not to look at my weight too much, then seriously advised me not to so reassuring me I am not gaining as much as I should be, and finally unable to control me, she had been giggling everytime I stepped on the weighing scale. Some websites forgave early weight gain, specifically for twins. 5 to 10 pounds increase in first trimester was okay. So at some point of time I made peace with my weight gain.

But now last one week I am worried about my non-gain of weight!!! :) Pardon my english! :)

Because now I have officially declared myself to be in my second trimester and I want the scale to move steadily upward and its freaking me out when I see that it is somedays showing lesser than last month. Some websites are saying that drinking enough water actually drains away excess water in the body, and this can show 2 or 3 pounds up or down anyday during pregnancy. I havent been having swelling in my feet yet, so I suppose I am not accumulating water yet.

Strangely I dont see a bump in my tummy, which I expect now, and I have had bump in my belly all my non-pregnant years!!! :) WHAT THE HELL?! :) ... So I scanned myself again in the mirror and discovered the bump has moved significantly upward towards the ribcage! OH HOH, I see that is what was causing all the acidity and nausea last week. Things have been jostled and tossed upwards lately, and uterus is pushing its way upward. Since I am bumping up there, the earlier belly bump is being matched, and my tummy is starting to look flat - a high raise plateau - like TIBET!!! :)

One big good news is that the latest acidity has declined, constipation has dissipated, and I am pretty fine. Went for a pretty fast walk yesterday evening and did some gardening today morning. So all is well I suppose.

I am not gaining weight now, but hope to, pretty soon, no special hunger, hate sweets, but tummy is getting pretty well redesigned I can tell! :)

Hot and spicy CALCIUM - Buttermilk

2008-10-18T22:19:00.000-07:00

Take your home made curd, and remove the top creamy layer and give that to your hubby or child for a tasty curd rice. You take the bottom curd part. Pour some water. Churn it with the wooden laddle. (No mixie doesnt work great - we have tried). Add as much or as little water as you like. I like it with a lot of water - practically "Neer More."

You dont have to churn for more than 3 or 5 minutes. You need to churn more only if you are extracting butter from it. If you are going to just drink, churning is just to mix curd with water to make buttermilk. It may soon separate water, if you let it stand, its alright, just mix with a fork or spoon before you drink!

Take an inch of peeled ginger, crush it with a stone, put it into the buttermilk. Chop green chillies into very tiny pieces - one or two chillies (based on your preference) and add to the buttermilk. Chop some coriander and add to it. Hand split a few curry leaves and add to it. Add some asafoetida powder - just a pinch - please dont over do asafoetida - just a tiny amount. In the end add some salt to taste.

For me it is a WOW WOW WOW great drink these days. I am desperately wanting green chillies and very hot food. I have no idea what it implies and what is lacking in my nutrition. But I detest anything sweet now. I almost cry to drink my Pomegranate juice, it is like drinking gulab jamun syrup - too sweet. Yes just the juice, without any sugar, even then it seems damn damn sweet. Mosambi (orange) juice is somewhat okay.

But this hot and spicy buttermilk is simply WOW WOW drink for me. I am happy to have this for calcium and water needs! :)

It is getting hotter here in the deccan plateau corner as we are moving out of south west monsoon and north east hasnt turned northerly yet leaving a heat wave in this corner of indian subcontinent with temperatures raising to 35C easily in day time.
So guilt free buttermilk drinks in daytime! :)

Remember only a few people like it with all fresh coriander and green chillies floating on it. If you are not that kind, after mixing the contents just once or twice with a spoon or laddle, you can filter the buttermilk using tea filter or something like that. The buttermilk is going to be hot and spicy even after filtering, because the essential extracts would have gotten in, pretty easily since everything is well chopped, crushed, etc.

NB: If you have never seen this prepared ever before, you are probably thinking that I have left out the heating/cooking part! No there is no cooking heating. Everything is fresh and direct!

Love and happiness

2008-10-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

I had been thinking of talking to my kids with more respect :) - respect starts with a name - call them by their proper name right? But we havent even started thinking about a name. We dont even know if both are fine and still there, until November first week. Prax is super cautious this time, whereas I am super optimistic. So I thought I would give them just a blog name, like "madura" just for the fun of it, so that it is convenient to talk to them or about them in the blog. Since I have really not looked into various possibilities of twin names, especially without being aware of gender, its pretty confusing to focus on any name. So I thought I would just pick the legendary twin names - from ramayana - and translate it to my wish and will as "Love and Happiness" I know Kush means happiness - I have no idea what Lav really means in Sanskrit, so I keep it as Love! I enjoy the gender neutrality of these two words and the fun we could have using these words! After all a union of a man and a woman should produce the two products of love and happiness right! But your pa is not so happy with the choice of twin boy names, he is highly hoping on a girl, so he would not agree with these names just for the fun of it even!!! :) So I am going to shrink you two into "El" and "Kay" from now on!!! :)

If one of you decide to give up on me, I shall assume love is the input behind happiness, or I shall assume happiness is the expectation out of love! :)

I was looking at the blogs of "itchingtowrite" the mother of ojas and tejas and learnt that one of you could be sitting while other could be sleeping in the ultrasound photos of yours! I looked back at the 8th week version and I realized that is true! So I have decided "happiness" is content and happily lying down in peace and "love" is all anxious and dreamy and sitting up! :) So you El you are the one with your head up on the side, and you Kay, you are the one lying down!

While I was typing the blog prax was here and gave me a sad news. We have a neighbour (actually opposite door) lady who recently (in summer) went on maternity leave and we have always loved watching her first kid in the balcony smiling and enjoying the tune, when our car backed up with the christmas tune, as we started our mornings. She is a local person and so we had been thinking of discussing medical infrastructure and doctor choices in this locality to her, and I actually wanted to talk to her about certain intimate details like what are my chances of going hands and kneels or squatting if I want to birth or my own, and not delivery with my feet hanging through a hoop in these local hospitals! Well, we never saw the newborn even after she returned, we thought the new born was being bottle-fed at grandma's home nearby and we ofcourse saw her around with the first girl child once in a while. Today we learnt that that second baby was lost in second trimester. That was the last thing we were imagining. So nothing is for sure in this world I suppose.

So El and Kay, we hope you are sitting and sleeping happily there until we get to check up on you in a month. Meanwhile, I want you two to know we discuss on how much it would cost for us to travel as four, international if we go abroad, and we blame you for the pizza I was eating that night - I mean hogging up - with that much jalapenos - extra topping and still not sufficient, and I was saying that you two are going to be pizza addicts and prax believes in reality you two want to be abroad and so we have already started the blame game with you two!!! :) In return you can blame it all on us, when you become teenagers! :)

Whats up in the evenings by the way these days? Is there something going on at about 4pm or after? What are you doing with my tummy? I dont know what the hell you want, you want me to eat, you want me to stop eating, you want me to walk or jog, or lie down and sleep, I have no idea!!! But surely I didnt expect that half of that medium pizza with that much Jalapenos is all that you wanted that day, because you let me sleep so happily after that! hmmm ... Are you wanting too much cheese? Is that way I slept better after granny's paneer tikka yesterday night? Or you gobbling up too much calcium? Is that why my tooth brush saw some blood recently? Are you eating away my teeth too?! :) Hey, hey, wait till I get my calcium tablet from the doc, ...
I know one thing for sure you are going to be bald like me and not having curly dense hair like your dad!!! :) After all you gave me no vomitting in the first trimester. We think this, only because we dont want to think both of you are boys yet!!! :) Well you two know if you are a boy or a girl already right? We dont get to know until April! Hmmm ... so you shall be El and Kay until then. By the way my 3inch wallas, I know names are very important, and I give you all the right to change it anyway you want. I just am going to have something for my convenience in the blog, alright and I am not so particular or possessive about my choice and hope prax will give you better names for the first few certificates!!! You can raise your opinion and choice when you want to.

With love and happiness, madura.

Shit management - best of both worlds!

2008-10-13T03:20:00.000-07:00

I meant the title very seriously. No pun intended. Since we will get to handle double the load of shit, I decided to get myself ready - with all little tricks from early on! The books say my kids have started peeing already inside by 13th week - in the amniotic sac - so time for me to worry about their diapers! :)

I have read plenty about toilet training, but always from a western point of view. Only once I saw a Yale university research article, about "elimination communication" which became a popular topic in my home, and that research quotes tamilnadu method of toilet training - and how much this communication is essential. We know my mom used to make this "ummm, rrr, hghg..." sounds after she leaves my barely toddler nephew in the toilet, so that he knows what to do!!! This has been elaborately detailed in the Yale university article with the catchy title of "elimination communication"!!! Sometimes my nephew is in the toilet and my mom has moved to the kitchen and she makes the sound loud enough for him to hear, and we are giggling in the hall!!! :) Never knew that was important. Yes we have read American society of pediatrics recommendations on how to toilet train babies. We have nothing against that, except the budget for good quality diapers for twins in India, with one person salary!

I realized my nephew wasnt even 2, when he was doing all this by himself when my mom was giving him elimination communication, and I decided to ask her today, how come he went to the toilet so early, whereas westerners so much stress on the scientific fact that introducing toilet training early will actually delay toilet independance much further. I told her that scientific books clearly show that children dont have control over their elimination - muscular control specifically until early 3rd year.

My mom simply said, I dont know all that, I only know what we do! So I decided to ask her, what she did and what her mom did. I have vague memories from my childhood where I have seen women turning their own extended legs into toilet seats and holding infants on them, with a paper below it. Mother's legs used to be multipurpose those days. It was also the bathtub. They could simply sit with the legs extended, in a small high raise area, with the legs going in an angle and the child was just kept over the leg, and water was poured and the bathing ritual was quite simple. My mom shocked me by saying that my pa's mom, used to finish off the bathing ritual by holding the baby upside down in the end, just for a second, in a flip. I cant imagine doing that to my child!!! :) May be I would if I get confident enough.

Anyway, giving a bath is hardly a concern for me. I am more concerned about poop management - because we are going to be handling double the load. Diapers are not just expensive, but it can be horrible in 35C weather with high humidity.

My mom is absolutely double sure that children always poop after eating - after every meal. So the idea is you feed it in lying position, then you straighten it on your shoulder for 5 minutes to burp, then you get ready for it to shit, you hold him between your extended legs, spread with a little gap, with a old polythene sheet or paper below. S/he is going to shit and then that is that. You are done. Yes, accidents are possible she agrees, but babies do get into a routine pretty easily she assures me. Even when they are 6 months old, after the head can stand still on the neck, you can easily make them hold a sitting position on your leg and they know that is meant for them to poop.

She does agree that you have to be extra-ordinarily observant and she believes mothers are naturally or intuitively very observant of their kid, and usually the face turns in a specific way, right before pooping. So you can use that signal to avoid accidents. I and prax have been ardent devotees of "sign language" for babies and we are highly hoping that we will master it. There too they specify its a two way channel, we should understand their signals as much as we try to help them understand ours.

She told me, my niece was not ready until 2+ to be alone in the adult indian version of the toilet and that is too late. But she was very co-operative in the toilet seat, (chair shaped one, with a mug like poop collector at the bottom - indian cheapoh version of potty) even much earlier and was okay sitting on two bricks. My tiny tot niece was just scared of the Indian toilet and refused to poop inside it, but did so outside it!!! which was too troublesome for my mom, with water scarcity! So my mom trained her more on the two legs on two closely placed bricks until she got bold enough for the Indian toilet.

My nephew supposedly got used to the regular adult toilet very early. I think much before two. Sounds like a fairy tale really! I dont want to believe it completely. I told my ma, that that couldnt be completely true, I have seen too many accidents - I still want to believe the western idea that babies cant have muscular control over themselves until they are three. My mom insists, that it happens mainly because we forget to observe the child's facial signals. She is very sure that poop after meal is always possible and is a perfect routine to expect, if you cant read a face.

Hmmm... may be I can put the diaper on my child, verify my expertize in reading facial signals and establishing routines, before I go out with my children. Its better than sniffing their diaper in public to see if it needs to be changed! :) Atleast I have prax who has lived in USA for a decade and knows all the diaper changing stations inside the men's toilet and he does recognize it as a man's duty unlike all the Indian men who live around here! He just has been a little worried lately - double the diaper duty - my goodness!!! :) So I have told him generously, that he can handle one, while I can handle the other. I seriously believe uncertainty causes a lot of frustration. Even if it is shit it is manageable if a routine can be established and if we could know what to expect and when to expect!

I am such a die hard optimist, I actually think my baby will tell me it wants to poop, when its even 3 months old - we are going to master sign language you see!!! :)))) ... Its not too bad to be very hopeful as long as one can manage reality as it happens to be when it happens to be! And shit happens!

body pillow - uppaah uppaah uppappaah!

2008-10-10T22:30:00.000-07:00

First, uppaah uppaah uppappaah is hip hip hurray in South American lingo! :) I dont remember when I first started thinking of body pillow, I think while I was randomly browsing for birthing videos and ended up in USA and UK pregnancy related online stores. I had heard about them before, and since I was oblivious to pregnancy realities never took them seriously. But when I look at them now, it seemed sensible a choice and almost felt like a must have. So I was going "Sigh, I cant get this here, who will know what body pillow is and how it matters to pregnant women!" I just mentioned about it to my mom, showed her some screen shots - of both straight long ones and U shaped ones. And she suddenly told me it was this that was hanging on the wall in that Friends Serial that we were watching!!! WHAT?! Could be ... I told her, in that episode she has just delivered a baby, may be they make the body pillow into a wall hanger after that!!! :)

Last week we went to the nearby town, and my mom insisted that we look for getting foam/polyester filling to make cushions and pillows since we were expecting guests - soon. Pillows are damn expensive here - one piece costs about Rs.400 and then fungus grows on them during monsoon, and they are not that easily reusable after that. Pillows also go very flat very soon here, and we have to stuff two of them into one cover to get any reasonable height, and I have to have four to raise my head against acidity. So we were in high demand for pillows - and my budget conscious amma came up with the idea of making them herself.

So we bought 3 kg of polyester filling (Since cotton filling is unavailable and damn expensive) and some thick foam for cushion. She herself made the pillow covers from old bedsheets and started filling them up and made really nice new pillows. She actually opened up all fungus devastated pillows and showed us that inner content was still good and only the outer cover was all gone. So she recycled the inner contents of old given-up pillows also into the new ones. Eventually she made pillows that cost us only Rs.150 and was much better. When she was making the last of them, I told her I wish we could make a long body pillow and I gave her the idea it is just two or two and a half pillow together, stitched straight. She immediately made one for me, with the last of all that was left. Meanwhile she even gave me ideas on how she can make the mattress and bed for the new borns with foam, and we can buy them soon! WOW that will save a lot of money if she can do that. But amma they are going to pee all over it, I was worried and she was giving me rubber sheet ideas and assured me washable napkins arent really leaking all the time!

In the end of the evening, I had one long 4-5 feet pillow in my bed for yesterday night and I slept with it. I slept very early - absolutely no insomnia, I slept quite well and woke up fresh, inspite of my tummy still being considerably small (though at 3 months with twins I look 5 months or so!!!) the body pillow really made the side pose very comfortable. I definitely think there is an emotional component too in this style of pillow - because of the warmth of the hug, which makes the sleep happier.

If you can buy it or if you can make it, definitely go for a body pillow, to sleep well! My amma says that his pillow is not called body pillow here in India, but in India these days it has become fashionable to have a long pillow for a queen or king bed instead of two or three pillows. So indeed we are getting long pillows here (no idea how expensive) but they may not be called body pillows.

For those who are not pregnant, I understand body pillow sounds like a gross/sexy/spoilt brat kind of material to hang on to. Come back and read this when your tummy is so big that you leg has to stretch when you are on side pose, you will know how it helps! :) Because I too thought of body pillow in a wrong way, until now! :))) ...

13th week realities

2008-10-08T23:54:00.000-07:00

1. For those who had vomitting and nausea in first trimester, 13th week should be complete relief, as per theory, though some continue to feel uncomfortable all 9 months. Strangely for me the 12 weeks went much more smoothly, and yesterday night was the worst of all! Entire dinner pasta was out through the mouth, not too bitter, in three continuous rounds and I was shaking and shivering in the process, mom and prax got anxious, whereas I felt a little better after the stomach and oesophagus were emptied - before that I had a severe back head - neck region discomfort, some acidity, something really wrong I figured at about 3pm, tried drinking water, going for long walk, ignoring the feeling by chatting away, but still nothing worked. Finally it all came out and I slept happily. Even the small glass of hot water I had came out with bile in 5 minutes. So I slept empty stomach and no water.

We are able to think of only the afternoon sun as the reason - we were out shopping in mid afternoon, and that causes "piththam" for anybody usually, and as a pregnant woman, possibly it affected me more. I am never ever going out in afternoon sun again!Finished it all off with a morning bile vomit out, and I am pretty healthy now! :)

2. Anxieties - anxieties are always there. Are they still alive? Are they really growing well? Is one vanishing? Is the other getting cerebral palsy? Is that one with chromosomal disorder? All kinds of crazy stupid unnecessary anxieties are always there at the horizon of the heart ready to pop out anytime you give attention. The really worst kind is when I think what next if both dies now? Do I ever want to be pregnant again? Do I even want to have sex again? Should I just go and live in Sahara desert for a while, may be? It really confuses me to think where life heads towards after a disaster of this kind if it were to happen at 34.

3. Food - Keerai Kozambu - mother's recipe that was invented so that my father can take greens in sambar form! :) It really tasted good. Just make it like sambar, and have chopped greens along with tomato and onion. Just add half the dhal, since keerai will make it enough thick. Also have only little tamarind, since you dont need too much tamarind for keerai kozambu! Very healthy, considerably tasty, you can eat it with papad. So fast easy cooking too.

Learn to play keyboard or massage therapy?

2008-10-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

Well first to the question of why on earth would I care about massage therapy - because just in case one of my twin hasnt vanished yet, and eventually someday I really become a twin mother, I need to get ready for people who are going to come to my home, without invitation asking me to give them the right massage and relieve them from their horrible sprains anywhere in the body!

Yeah? You dont believe that? You havent heard about it! The one of the biggest myths that prevailed in Tirunelveli district atleast was that, whenever you had a sprain you go to a mother of a twin and the mere touch of her hands would make everything magically heal. My brother had friends during our childhood early teen days who were twins (Anand and Kumar) living in our street. I got a chance to befriend their sister because of that (she was Malathy) and I became aware while visiting their home for play time that people simply showed up - complete strangers sometimes and demanded her mother to look into the sprain they have had. It used to be funny, I have a very vague memory (false memory?) of the mother saying that she has no clue what to do! :)

I suddenly remembered that and mentioned it to my amma, and my amma remembered that even in Colombo Srilanka this practice was very common and there was one mother of twin in her neighborhood who was sought out for any massage related to any sprain!

Lets imagine - just in case I learn the art, just in case, just for imaginary reasons, think, if only I get the right knack of it, I think it would be really cool, to watch a person moving from severe pain to complete relief - and that would be magical isnt it? Oh well, I might end up tearing their ligament the wrong way, messing up, which is highly probable, but nevertheless, people still believe in myths! :) Why not take a chance take the opportunity and learn professional massaging techniques?! :) I wish.

Well keyboard, definitely an ordinary wish, almost everybody has it at some point of time in their life - this was one thing I specifically postponed to learn during pregnancy. I have a list of things to learn during pregnancy, some with my children! :). I told prax, you know the baby can listen, wont it be cool, if I learn keyboard now! And prax wondered what if the babies couldnt bear it and wanted to run away, poor things, they are trapped in a closed auditorium! :))) ...
GRRRRRR .... Ya ....

I know I should learn something new. I have decided to stop working. When I teach that one complete hour, I totally forget my body, I dont remember my pregnancy, I completely live in another plane, and that is a great stress buster. I dont want to sit at home all day long, having to remember pregnancy day in and day out. Blogging yes is one way of stress busting. I need to learn something, which I would be really really bad at, will have a hard time learning - so much so, that I have to focus so much and forget pregnancy. May be I can learn Russian or Japanese. But I guess music would be the hardest for my dry brain! :) So thinking of keyboard!

stiches, glues or staple?

2008-10-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

From water birth to vaginal birth to natural birth, thanks to the twin scenario, now I have to read up on ceasarian birth which I thought I wouldn't opt! Havent been reading up much on it, because I am still in the fancy feeling over "birthing" concepts and still counting on the 50% probability of full term vaginal birth of twins!

Today morning, as I was signing in, I asked my colleague who is pregnant (not a twin) and is in the same phase as me (third month), what is her option for delivery. Is she going to stay here on campus or going home to native place. She gave me a shocking news. She told me, that if it is going to be ceasarian, here where we work, in the biggest most sophisticated hospital nearby, they do only "stiches" that go from one end to another - which is obsolete in the rest of the India! Really? So if they dont stitch what do they do, I asked her. She told me, in my town even in the smallest hospitals they are using glue now, just a small tape over your cut, and that is that, maximum two stitches. This was news to me! I never heard about this.

I came back and google searched. I was stunned by this option of "staples" too!!! :) I told my mom, if I had ceasarian I have an option of "stitch, glue or staple" - she too reacted the same way "STAPPLLLE?" Staple really sounds out of the way isnt it?! But the forum where I read online, many stapled moms says it wasnt too bad, supposedly only the last one hurts when being removed - and just an "oouch" pain. Most importantly the last staple is preserved by the mother, along with other baby things!!! :) ... Hmmm ... I never knew. Glue sounds too simple, I am imagining glues coming off of my papers, and imagining the tummy coming apart due to bad glue, and that sounds pretty freaky funny unbelievable. But people are so sure that that is the best. Some doctor sounding forum writer, says that it is indeed "dissolvable internal suture" which makes better sense!

Whichever it is, all this over the tummy sounds so much better than those on the episiotomy!

But then I decided today finally I will visualize how my ceasarian would go and read up on this :http://www.birthworks.co.za/ceasarian-section
Man oh man, that sounds like a major surgical procedure, and again I am feeling discouraged. Vaginal birth no matter how painful still sounds less risky - even though possibly most of the Indian women have had very smooth ceasarians.

The strange thing in choosing a doctor and a hospital where I live has been in the realm of figuring out medical infrastructure. The rooms are super good, I am more than happy with them - I stayed there for D&C. In a nice serene place, no noise, nothing. When I compare that to the Chennai hospitals - most of them seem to be too crowded in noisy sorroundings with tiny rooms. But ofcourse everybody is absolutely sure of the excellant medical infrastructure and talent pool.

Can you believe it, when I asked me doctor, what would happen if I had pre-term birth (which is not just possible but highly probable with twins based on my google search) he tells me, a mobile unit with Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) will arrive from a hospital 45 km from here!!! Not even an incubator in that super-duper big hospital. I would need two not one!!!

But then my amma - born at 8th month, in the size of a palm, was just kept in a cool dark place inside the farm house and she survived fine!

I dont know how much technology matters, and when it matters! :)

First trimester recipes - poondu kanji

2008-10-04T00:38:00.000-07:00

The lightest happiest dinner: Garlic Porridge - Poondu Kanji
The most preferable rice for this is red rice - hand hulled rice or Kerala samba red rice. At least go for parboiled rice (since raw rice isnt going to be easy for evacuation!!!).

Take 1 cup rice (a cup can be a 150ml coffee cup!). Take 1 full garlic(muzhusu - aamaa!!!), which can have 10-12 cloves ("pal" in tamil!). Peel the cloves and add them to the rice. Take 1 inch dried ginger piece (chukku). Slightly smash the dried ginger piece, so that the flavor and essence can enter the rice. Don't worry about the dried ginger too much, are going to take the ginger piece after cooking is done and you wont be eating it!

Cook them all together in a pressure cooker, for a longer time (at least 5 or 6 whistles - it has to kuzhanjufy - completely cooked). Red rice doesn't become too pasty too easily - just ensure good cooking!

Once cooking is done, add a pinch of salt, and one cup of boiled milk to it. Eat it warm! Absolutely fabulously light dinner - no acidity, no bloating, nothing if you have this. This will serve at least three people, so eating only a little amount will fill you up well.

My mom says that "poondu kanji" is for the morning and for the night it should be "paasi payaru kanji". I disagree with her, because any legume makes me scared of all the bloating it may cause!!! If you are curious the ideal paasi paruppu kanji (green gram - rice porridge) should include half cup green gram for one cup rice (whole - with green cover, not the broken yellow version!!! you need fiber remember?). You can add a little bit of coconut powder (Thuruvinathu!) and ideally a little bit of muringakeerai - greens - leaves from moringa tree!

I definitely prefer the poondu kanji. I have also read that urd dhal, black gram is the best legume for pregnant woman. (Dont even ask me what happened the day I ate adai - my goodness!). You know you can cook white rice with half the measure of urd dhal, and that is the best for girls who have attained puberty and it is prescribed for pregnant women too. I think the secret reason is the surplus fibre in it, and the available protein from it! So I had been having urd dhal rice often this time. You can add some coconut for flavor and even sesame oil! Sesame oil (gingelly oil) is very good for anybody - remember its the olive oil equivalent from South India. It has the good cholesterol in it. I know some people put urd dhal in kanji also, but we haven't been doing that. Plain and simple poondu kanji is really good.

If you are a person looking for spicy side dish for poondu kanji you can make corriannder chutney or have with lime pickle. I know people who take this kanji with a small piece of achchu vellam (brown sugar pieces!).

Right leg and right pelvic pain

2008-10-02T21:20:00.000-07:00

NB: This is not meant to scare you if you are a non-pregnant woman! :) Pregnancy brings in all kinds of anxieties. This is a blog one such kind of anxiety! :)

This right pelvic to right leg pain has been a strange pain that I had been experiencing. I couldnt figure out why it happens. My first biggest suspicion was DVT - Deep Vein Thrombosis, a condition I possibly inherited from my father. He has inferior venacaval one (IVCT). So for a while I was breaking my head over this, especially because I have been warned enough about what hormones can do to a woman who is predisposed to familial IVCT.

Finally one day it dawned to me that the pain comes and goes and it is not persistent. I should look somewhere outside of my IVCT inheritance theory. My anna has been sincerely looking out for possibilities and has been reassuring me that the chances of inheritance of IVCT-DVT is pretty low - and not to be expected.

Meanwhile the reoccurence of the pain has been becoming intense. So I had been trying to observe how it disappears, since I cant figure out how it starts. I had my own small theories, that possibly the small blob of a baby moved in such a way that it put pressure on the vein. (Later I thought pressure on the nerve is pain, not pressure on the vein!!! :) Learning anatomy on the way!) So I decided the baby blob moved out of the way, once in a while and the pain disappeared.

Later one day I figured it has directly time series correlation with the evacuation. So I figured the sheer ordinary unmentionable, silly goose of a constipation has been the culprit possibly. Things have possibly moved around in the abdominal region and the constipated shit is causing havoc on the nerve passing to my right leg. Because immediately after bowel movement the pain disappeared. WOW. Such a silly thing and such a scary pain! Sometimes the pain has been so intense that I refuse to walk.

So far I believe it is as simple as that. I dont know if its a valid theory.
Solution: Drink plenty of water, greens, soups, juices. Have a good breakfast!

But otherwise the end of first trimester is very much visible, and I am entering the happy second trimester soon!

Insomnia and happy reads

2008-09-30T11:33:00.000-07:00

Its 11:56pm again. Insomnia is indeed around. Anxiety? No not really? Am I hungry? Impossible, I feel like I am dumping food into my tummy too much lately ...
Anyway I am not sleeping yet. Today we chose to have "Radio Amore" from the satellite radio for sleep time. A change from "Garbh Sanskar" CD recorded into an IPod that has been playing last one week during sleep time. I got the CD from a colleague - she highly recommended it for sleep time. It seemed true, because I never heard the last song of the CD, so I always slept within an hour. I am not a believer, oom, shreem, kreem, doesnt move any nerve or soul in me. But somehow this very idea of the CD playing has put me to sleep. The music is soft and kind, more like a mother talking to you than a religious hymn chanted about, ... I suppose music does help.

Here I am, again in the dark, typing into the blogger, middle of the night, another sleepless night. I can talk about the happiest readings I have done during these times. Among all the pregnancy information sites, which give week by week progress and what to expect etc,... I definitely love "www.baby-gaga.com" explanations - because of their liberal light hearted spirit. Its more friendly than instructional.
Ofcourse the tickers they provide are really cool, and especially the one that you can add to google.com site and make it your home page, is really cool.

Occasionally I go back and read old blogs of boo (boosbabytalk.blogspot.com) and recently I reread her Why Baby and thoroughly enjoyed it! :) "http://boosbabytalk.blogspot.com/2005/09/why-baby.html" I had been exploring her list of Indian mommies. Found "Y" quite funny and interesting.

I am possibly in my 11th or 12th week, depending on how you calculate ... Which means I am nearing the first trimester end mark and finally I am having a few hours in a day where I am completely normal, and perfectly healthy again (nothing going on in throat, tummy, nowhere ...) I feel so light, and brisk and happy, that I wonder if I the twins had disappeared and I am not pregnant anymore!!! :) I am eagerly awaiting for the trouble free 2nd trimester. My 1st trimester wasnt too bad, vomitted only one day, that too very tiny amount, nausea was there, but not too bad, ... But indeed having none of those problems feels definitely good. Bloating is gone, the full feeling is gone, that feels absolutely gorgeous, though I weigh the same as last week!!!

So looking forward to 2nd trimester. More than that looking forward to the next ultrasound. November 4th! Until then I wouldnt know whats up and have to cross my fingers and hope for the best!

Next ultrasound only 16th week?

2008-09-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

I wasnt a big fan of ultrasound in the beginning. But somehow now suddenly am anxious to get the 12th week ultrasound, not just for down syndrome screening, but to get a reassurance that everybody is fine as they are supposed to be. But I am being told there will be an ultrasound in 16th week, and that is the routine procedure. Hmmm... Didnt know I really wanted this reconfirmation desperately, until I got the news I would have to wait for 16th week, which seem very far away.

I am usually the kind of person who would have said no ultrasound is the best, why interfere sensitive times with powerful rays. But somehow I have become a slave of the science in this aspect, and I am wanting some kind of a peek into the reality. I have to just sit up and assume everything is fine, as long as I am not spotting and take nausea as the ultrasound equivalent verification. Sigh - that sucks! :)

Am I getting restless to be done with this pregnancy already? I dont know. Barely two months. I am fat as a pig, soon to be hippopotamus.

Yeah, the children dont move until 5th month. Thats far away. What am I to do until november? Just find ways to manage constipation and acidity? :( ...
I am wanting excitement, reassurance and what nots. nothing, except, increasing fat.

The only big positive reassurance had been "Heidi Klum" - She has become a super model after becoming a mother of three!!! Man oh man, that is some inspiration. I never thought I follow who is the super model of this year. But this mother of three thing inspired me to look! I am inspired. This isnt mere beauty, this is determination, self respect, and perseverance.

Awful acidity - home remedy - amla

2008-09-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

Its 11pm now. I had a really messy day - had to invigilate for two exams. Had to run around the hall all 2 hours, and had to move to those rooms too. Normally this is nothing, and completely a breeze, but since I had been sleeping away last two months, suddenly today it felt like I moved a lot.

Nausea was indeed showing up then and there. The pregnancy companion constipation has finally arrived with pomp and glory. Sigh! I was having pulpy juices and regular home made soups and that kept constipation at bay. Need to go back to juices and soups. Or may be constipation cant be kept at bay!

Anyway, the best part was sometime in the evening, suddenly I felt very light, and actually had a huge urge to go for a brisk jog for 2 kms. Enjoyed the feeling light moment for a while, almost felt suspicious that both the 3cm walas might have disappeared suddenly - felt barely pregnant. Checked my weight, not an ounce had decreased. So it was all some pyschology or some physiology. May be I was bloated and bloating disappeared after chundaikai+garlic pulikolambu.

But the good feeling didnt last too long. I had three chappaaththies with potato curry and bang came a huge BURNING HOT acidity. I have never had such acidity - made me terribly restless. I drank a lot of water, went out for a long walk to burp as much as I can, in the monsoon drenched snake laden dark paths! I was desperate. Nothing worked. Dont have gelusil or tums at home. Milk is not there. I tried to get some massage from prax on my upper back - shoulder blades that felt a little good.
Tried to sleep couldnt lie down.

Finally I decided to kill acidity with high acid food. I could take lemon juice. But instead I chose Amla which is even higher concentration citric acid, I had read somewhere. Made myself bite through a fresh amla - its bitter taste crunched through, sweetness ignored, had been having it, in the dark in the bedroom. Came to the computer and googled "amla acidity" and voila - it says, acidity is called "amla pitha" in ayurveda! Amla has been highly recommended for acidity and definitely during pregnancy. They are talking about amla powder, amla juice and all that. But I am having fresh amla bought from the market and I can barely eat half every day. But even that half makes me feel good. I dont know if its psychological or not, I am indeed feeling a little better now.

Undisclosed Benefits of twin pregnancy

2008-09-17T08:48:00.000-07:00

You can have a real big tummy. You can grow as fat as you can. Well you think thats every pregnant woman's benefit ... But imagine if you say you have a twin, everything seems plausible. (I cant really imagine what would happen to me if I really gain the minimum of 35 pounds - dont even think the max of 45 pounds!!!) Lets look at a small wild calculation about 25 pounds means atleast 10kg - I imagine lifting a 10 kg rice sac, my goodness, walk around with that sac in my tummy, and thats not yet 35 pounds!!! Damn!

No matter how fat you become the children are never going to even reach the healthy baby size of a single pregnancy. There is no way they are becoming even 3 kg, and more. Yippee, since there is no record of two heads coming out together (now my dear children dont think it will be record making time in April ... come one by one like everybody else, alright?!), I will have a small baby coming out, which is definitely easier isnt it?! :) Even if its two rounds, a small head sounds comfortable.

Warning to the 3cm walas - No ART

2008-09-16T10:04:00.000-07:00

Hello my dear 3cm walas inside my tummy, I had been watching Sun TV Doctor News today and listened to the discussion on the whole wild world of opportunities for Assisted Reproductive Technology - ART. Well, the science sounds definitely interesting. But you better believe it, I am not going in that route if you disappear now. There is just no way you can be made any other way, any other time but now.

You give up on me now, I give up on you. I am going for adoption, if you decide to play precious and hard to seek, I am not running after you with a doctor, I am going to somebody else who is already born is happy to have a mother. Point blank - no discussions. I am giving you my last best now, I am accepting medication just for your welfare inspite of what my ideals tell me. With all this extra attention, if you want to play gamble with me, this is definitely not the time.

You are not sending any warning signals so far. Things seem all fine and in peace down there. Just in case you were hatching some plans for dissolving out now, I thought I would warn you right away! Yeah, yeah there is no such bubbling motherhood inside me, that I want to put myself through such extreme measures.

Yes I am absolutely clear and sure about that. You can make your own decision - you have the right to decide as you wish! But I have communicated my stand!

Pain in the butt

2008-09-15T02:13:00.000-07:00

oh well, this is only for those pregnant women who google searched and reached here wondering if somebody else's butt pained too or not! :) It is of no interest to any normal person I suppose.

I am not saying pregnancy is a pain in the butt, I am talking about pain in the butt during pregnancy.

There seems to be all kinds of it, luckily I havent had the knife through your horns kind yet, but definitely something crazy in the butt cheeks. Not in the groin, not in the hips, not looking for a hip massage yet - that is for the pregnancy day, this is the first trimester butt pain right on the cheeks. The only scientific possibility you can give is that there is something going crazy with the pelvic plate down there. Crazy? well that may be politically (and medically) incorrect. May be the simple truth could be that excess "relaxin" in the blood supply is relaxing the ligaments holding the pelvic plates together. I am not sure, this is a wild googled guess.

The best explanation I read is that, one should learn to do pelvic floor exercises (the easiest to figure out is the cat stretch in Yoga) and once you know how your pelvic locks and unlocks you should develop a conscience over the fact whether your pelvic is locked or loosened out. When you are pregnant, expect it to be messy loosened out most of the time, because things are getting ready for the big day 8 months down the line... So there are specific ways you can lock yourself before you move the muscles/ligaments.

The easiest technique which suits the latest scientific yoga and paatti advice from Satankulam is the fact that when you are sleeping in bed, and trying to turn, first sit up then turn slowly to one side. Dont just turn, this will make the ligaments go crazy, and you will end up with a chullukku like pain. I suppose sitting up somehow locks it!

Well, well dont ask me if I know to lock my pelvis quite well, and if I do pelvic tilts the proper way, I can only tell you, I know how cat stretch works, I can somewhat do certain pelvic tilts with my palm at the hip level, but cant yet get my conscience be automatically aware of lock/unlock situation! :)

The funniest explanation I heard is that the body is just wanting orgasm, just go and have sex. Well this was not one single page, one funny gal saying it, this has been repeated by many as a good solution. I wonder if its because the act itself might involve pelvic tilts?!!! ... Well I am not recommending sex in first trimester, I am medically unaware of its consequences, but I can only tell you this butt pain is there with me, so you arent alone! :)

The simple truth is that it isnt too bad. One could really ignore it.

Is 34 the best time to be pregnant?

2008-09-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

In my case it looks like this is the best time. Too freakily the best ever possible time. So you two buddies in there, you better not slip this time. I will be already 35 if you stay and be born to me in April. If you decide to quit now and come later, I am going to be even older, all medical books warn heavily against over 35, as if 35 is a magic number!!! :) So go google as much as you can, and weigh your options, and I think you will be wise enough to stay now! :))) ...

You see I just resigned my job. I have a whole world open and flexible in front of me in terms of career. Which mother on this earth has such an apt break in career, precisely when getting pregnant? I will get free in the 5th month, and I know, I know, you are twins I need to watch you from 6th month more carefully, and I will be all day home, and I will have all the time and energy on the earth to care for you. Imagine if you had come three years ago? I was nowhere and everywhere in the world and career. Imagine you had come one year ago? I had no clue where I was heading to and what I wanted. Imagine you had come 8 years ago, you would have practically been in hell if I had dragged you through all that I dragged myself through. You two are wise and smart and have given this timing a good chance. Okay I am 34, that makes things a little challenging, for you two, I agree. But look at me, there is no chance for hypertension where I am now - pre-eclampsia is impossible due to external pressures - I am in the best pressure free part of my life now. Unless there is some physiological reasons you can be assured pressure is the last thing thats going to bother us now.

It could be a Ripley's believe it or not kind of statement, but I want you to know, I somehow feel a little more confident in being a mother now than ever before. Hey, hey it is the attitude that counts always, isnt it? I have the right attitute for you, I will pick up intellectual and emotional quotients with this attitude in due course of time, cant I?

You have a father who greatly believes in his own fatherhood and is excitedly waiting for it and finally a man, who actually believes that I can be a mother, he is more confident in me than me, and I have no idea what you two are thinking, but this is a request to give me some positive consideration! You are wondering why? Well I cant really list out everything, but lets say it is just intuition, a mother's intuition, that I am actually feeling positive about it all now.

I cant promise anything big guys, but I can surely tell you this is the best time to have arrived. Its okay if you are coming in double dose, I have all the time in the world now and all the peace that any pregnant woman could ever want. Imagine all those mothers in all those busy pressured jobs in difficult family situations, balancing financial, social and personal obligations - and how they try to keep their babies happy in the middle of all the chaos. Here I am even though possibly with half the IQ and EQ of most of the other mothers, I am completely free, and have some good attitude and optimism now, so you can hope that there are good chances that you will be cared for well. So please do stay and stay healthy - look at all those excess fat and exercised muscles jam packed all around you, gobble up as much nutrition as you want, I give you full permission! Everything is in surplus and stay healthy and happy down there. Okay buddies? Put both your heads together make some good plans, and send some wise signals to my system components, and be responsible for your own welfare.

It is quite important that you know in this 21st century, you (not your mother or your god) are responsible for making your life as beautiful as you wish it to be. You take a chance with life, I assure you, life is definitely worth living and crazy fun.

Pleasures and pressures of twin pregnancy

2008-09-13T00:39:00.000-07:00

It definitely felt like a delightful surprise when we first discovered that we are having twins. But when I came home and googled, I discovered loads and loads of negative stuff, pre-eclampsia, pre-term birth, this that, and what nots. Every twin FAQ was about anxiety over double load and demanding care etc... etc... There I was reading them, and wondering how on earth I am not feeling the same?! The real down to the deepest conscience truth was that the moment I discovered I am having a twin, I felt a great relief, something like my entire load was reduced, and somehow I was pushed into a very comfortable zone of motherhood. The thoughts were completely in the range, of how they will have each other's company and play time always, and walk to school together, or search for each other in a day care center and be happy with a familiar face around on the first days, have somebody to talk and play with all the time even the mom becomes a little irresponsible as expected etc... etc...

Somehow I even thought they are having good company with each other down there in my belly, they can even share jokes about the crazy mom, in case they could. That seemed highly likely and felt a bit endearing. Somehow in my intuition it felt one will care for the other well, but science says one will eat away the other - vanishing twin is the biggest number of hits you will get in google!!! :) Driving between the scan center and home I had already concluded they would have much better social skills, they will learn to share, ofcourse they will compete, but in India and China competition is inevitable. But this ready availability of environment for better social skills seemed very lucrative an opportunity!

Booooommmmmmbbbbbarded by google science I told myself to give all the negativities a serious thought. There is no point in saying google is wrong. Clearly pointing out all possibilities. I just have to see how I can face them. Now, lets come to the pre-term birth. Here I am being pampered, by the strongest woman I know to my knowledge and she was born as a pre-term baby in 1948 in a farming family in Satankulam to a barely 16 year old mother. Yes my mom, the eldest in her home, was born in 8 months - supposedly was barely a palm length when born! She not just survived as an infant, she actually is the strongest of the 9 children of the family as far as I know! You give one look at her and it feels, it is probably better for a child to be born pre-term!!!

The question of natural birth comes next. Yes it is true only one baby can launch its head ready for departure while the other has to politely wait. That doesnt mean the second one wouldnt take its turn right?! After all nobody told the first baby how to reach the gate and put its head in a particular way, why assume only the second one wouldnt know?! The second one is possibly the better polite person, isnt it?!!! :) If babies are the most aggressive survivalists as the science says, the second one is the nobler one in a tough world! :) Why think that one would cause trouble even being born and be adamant and stand upside down and remain uncooperative!!! Doesnt make sense?! Yes there had been several vaginal births of twins, where the second came out anytime between 3 minutes after the first or one hour, that isnt too bad - I know moms who had 18 hour delivery sessions with one, what if my both came in 6 to 8 hours! Isnt that good enough?! :)

Yes they always say one of them would be weaker. I had been exposed very positively on this aspect of twin birth anxiety too! My first husband was the weaker twin!!! Yes they were fraternal, his sister was the stronger one according to everyone. I lived with him 8 long years and I know he wasnt weak - he was more popular for his muscles in IISc is what I hear from his friends. He actually exercised and stayed healthy and only spoilt it by smoking. A nanotechnologist in 1998 and his twin sister happens to be the first doctor of my entire family! She delivered a very healthy boy at 36! Who says twins are weak?! Not my real life exposures!

When you are pregnant you are already pampered enough. Suddenly this prospect of twin pregnancy, puts you in even more fragile zone in everybody's eyes, and there you go, you have a world completely open in front of you to take complete advantage of!!! :) But the real sad truth is that, atleast in the first trimester, I am absolutely hating sweets - a whole plate of paalkova, my most favorite sweet, just waits for me, and my mouth refuses to let me eat it. I dont want sugar in any damn thing. I am wanting very sour salty stuff. Prax once tried my lime juice (two lime in half glass water and pinch of salt) and said, my goodness you really like this, you have gone nuts already! I should say, something is definitely changing, like these taste buds, but otherwise, I am just the usual normal person who is getting pampered without demanding and hence getting a bit too spoilt! :) Yes nausea is there, but since it is some re-assurance that harmones are working hard for the children, it isnt that big an issue. Amla greatly helps with nausea - with its high citric acid content.

I am only getting mightily scared about the temptations to take advantage of this situation - if I can just keep my face non-smiling and say, I am pregnant with twins, looks like I can move the entire earth without moving a finger!!! The biggest threat to my integrity and morality seems to be that!!! :) That is the biggest danger of being pregnant with twins

Every pregnancy is different

2008-09-05T02:58:00.000-07:00

So says my mom. I have to believe her. Because my experience has been so different this time. First big surprise has been that I am not facing constipation at all?!!! ... What the heck, I thought that was a given, ... last time! But I had a really really weird pain at the bottom most abdomen region - groin? as if the bones were repelling each other forcibly. Pretty unique pain. So I sit up and make my own theories. May be the fetal pole can burrow itself anywhere in the uterus, and put pressure around it. May be last time it was resulting in constipation, and this time groin pain. But thank goodness it disappeared after complete rest.

This time I am taking total complete rest. Practically I am on the bed 18 hours a day. Remaining 6 hours I am either eating or drinking!!! ... I have gained 5 to 6 pounds in a month. I dont know if its the progesterone in the susten tablets that is causing it, or the sudden lack of exercise, or simply gobbling up excess food in the excuse of pregnancy! My mom is here taking utmost care of me.

Yes I am continuing to teach. But thats just one hour a day.

I have become enormously lazy or really tired?! ... May be I am listening to my body more? I rest whenever I feel tiny bit uncomfortable. Compare that to walking one hour everyday last time, including uphill paths!!! Damn, am I wrong now, or then? I do have early morning nausea, and immediately take salt crackers to avoid the feeling. I dont even make my own coffee. Mom is taking care of every little thing.

The maximum anxiety has been over the choice of HCG and susten. We dont know if we need it. You know how parents change their ideals for the sake of the kids? I think it starts right in the first trimester. Though I whole heartedly wish minimum medical intervention, maximum natural care, here I am taking susten 200 regularly, because everybody says its advisable. Hmmm...

I have my first ultrasound next week. Fear of failure is definitely haunting me badly this time. I am more worried about how my mom is going to handle it. She has been treating me like a queen, and I had been lavishly taking advantage of the situation, and she will be heart broke if this ends in miscarriage. This is probably harder than a divorce I suppose.

But I compare myself to that newly wed relative of mine. My goodness she has been married only 5 months, pregnant already, spotting already, put in complete bed rest, the news is known to all 3rd and 4th cousins, and excessive attention on her. Imagine the pressure! Thank God, I am 34 and least pressured until now about all of this.

I wanted to be pregnant for prax sake. Now I suppose I want this to stay for my mom sake too. :) She is so far away from her darling grand kids, bored to death in this lonely campus, only feeding me day in and day out. My dear daughter, show some mercy on grandma, and try to stay put there, alright?! :)

Fifth week again

2008-08-18T03:01:00.000-07:00

"Baby one more time" singing in my world now. Yet another time missing my period and landing upon the fifth week. This time a little wiser, a little more anxious, and almost no symptoms except the Rs10 urine test showing positive. No sore breasts, no nausea, no nothing. Had a really bad back pain over the weekend, wondering if the baby decided to come another month and was doing its bye-bye dance! :) ... No idea. No signs of either existence or non-existence.

One could just simply wait.

kuzipillai matiyila - miscarriage and after

2008-08-18T02:29:00.000-07:00

So said my mother to console me, or possibly to console herself. What it implies is that usually you get pregnant immediately after a miscarriage. Before you drop this child in the grave and turn around, you find it sitting inside your tummy. Eerie haan? Haay yaay aye miscarriages are the most philosophical moments you can have in your life.

In my case, I started bleeding after spotting, and went to the doctor, was asked to redo the scan and the scan revealed that there was no heart beat. Now here starts the real bizarre part of life. There is a dead human being inside your tummy, this human being can be sentimentally looked upon as a lost child, and be cried upon, for days and months together. For me, there was no single tear in my eye. I wasnt sad at all. I think it was purely because the hormone levels hadnt dropped yet. These pregnancy hormones keep you blissfully happy, on a high. They dont drop as quickly as the heart beat stops.

The doctor postponed the D&C for two days, since he was busy, and profusely apologized to me, when I told him I was bleeding buckets and took me in on emergency basis. I was okay with letting it pass naturally, though the level of blood seemed way too abnormal. Yes it was painfull, it kept me restless, I practiced all kinds of delivery breathing and postures and it definitely helped. Luckily I read somebody writing that miscarriage is exactly like delivery physiologically. Anyway it wasnt all that horrible and I wasnt one bit sad. So one nurse at the hospital really decided to ask me, "Didnt you want the baby? Why are you not crying?" I told her "I dont know, I am not sure if I didnt want it, I am simply not sad." Compare that moment to the three days before that. I had been walking around with a dead baby in my tummy, that had just driven me out of my emotional wits. I suppose I was in peace not to be a deadman walking anymore. Its spooky.

I told that to my mom, "Mom dont come now, I am not sad at all, the doctor has taken good care of me, I am totally fine" and my mom was crying so miserably on the other end and I was reading News to her like Shobhani Ravi without a bit of emotion! :) I had started to feel sad that I am not feeling sad, and I was mightily worried about putting on a sad face while walking out of the hospital, yuck yuck yuck, I am such a ugly duckling, I know! :) ...

The best part is I was totally normal and was back in office the very next day. My colleagues were stunned and didnt believe me when I said I am normal, physically perfect and emotionally nothing - they thought I was weird. Some didnt think I had a miscarriage and asked me after three months!!! So that smooth I was.

But then I am in my fifth week now. That was april, this is august. I am feeling a little abnormal emotionally. Fear of failure is sort of haunting me. There is no way to be reassured that this will go normally. Though the doctor had told me very clearly that first miscarriage is very common and I am perfectly fine. I am worried, if I dont know how to be a soft mother who is way too gentle with her body that carries the divine being. I am a total ruffian, who has to remind herself, good god, you are pregnant. :) ... I dont know if my kid will evaluate me better this time and decide to stay with me or not.

But the only happy side to this is that my best roommate ever, has written to me about the birth of her baby after a series of miscarriages. I am so glad to see her with her baby today. Suddenly I feel sort of hopeful after that.

I think I should change the blog title from "reproducing mortal" to something else. Prax never liked the title anyway! :)

Nausea and Constipation

2008-04-20T05:46:00.001-07:00

People often talk to you about nausea and vomitting but nobody talks about constipation to you, because of the taboo over shit I suppose. Nobody likes to talk about shit isnt it? Piles is not at all to be talked about I suppose. So nobody seems to write anywhere about this in personal ways, except in technical terms. But believe me, it is constipation that is the culprit, or atleast that is what I think. Constipation is there, as a BIG reality in the first trimester. It is not the usual constipation, this one is very peculiar. It makes me think what the heck is happening, is the hormones teaching my muscles down there, how to push a baby out? Is this some kind of training session going on down there?!!!

I realized after experimenting that soaked raisin, ginger tea, etc, are all for normal constipation, not for the pregnant one. Here only simple rules hold. Make hay while the sun shines. Dont hold it in. Because the impulse isnt coming again. Use it when it comes! :) That works best. Eating a good breakfast early and waiting for an hour before heading for job helps quite a lot.

I had very slight nausea somedays, when I was hungry. Acidity ofcourse was there one or two days. I never vomitted. One day I felt too full, and then went for a really long walk burping away the discomfort through the brisk walk.

I have only two suggestions, eat a good early breakfast, dont hold it in, if you are at workplace when the impulse shows up. If you do, it isnt going to come again for 24 hours! Make hay while the sun shines! :)

Moods

2008-04-20T05:42:00.000-07:00

There is some natural sense of well-being, peace and happiness. I am more relaxed when I am teaching. But there is an artificial, man-made, rational irritation or annoyance within me that is disturbing the peace. I often sense that it is unwanted, but nevertheless, I cant get rid of it. It is mainly due to cynicism, or some kind of negative balancing from my rational brain.

When I try to think, breast pain is just ignorable, and just a natural thing, somewhere within me, I am saying, but what if I miscarried, was it worth all the pain and rationalizing of it? It is very weird and interesting - this contrast within me - natural peace and happiness (is it the increasing progestrone?) and the rational prude getting cynical and unhappy!

In general I would say I am very normal in terms of moods, I am not belligerent, I am not that anxious, no PMS, I suppose am content. I am not very hyper happy or giggling away. I am not super excited that I am pregnant or super anxious either. Half the time I dont remember I am pregnant.

Occasionally career based mood swings are there. But nothing to do with hormones.

Exercise

2008-04-20T05:36:00.000-07:00

Fifth week:Oops, I havent told my exercise teacher that I am pregnant. Instead of 20 crunches I did about 10 slowly. Aerobics I did vigorously as usual. Because on Sun TV that Ob Gyn, repeatedly said exercising is very good, please exercise. But my local doctor was advising, walk softly, behave softly from now on, for 3 months. (I was imagining the crazy vigor with which I exercised the previous evening!!! :) ...obviously I didnt tell the doctor that I exercise!!!) I suppose I shouldnt do crunches!!! :) ... Even that wasnt painful when I tried. Only a psychological fear, what is happening to the few mm, fertilized egg under there as I am cruching like that! :) ....

Sixth Week: All doctors have warned me against it. Exercise teacher says dont do it without medical approval. But he gives us a print out on safe exercises for pregnant women. He taught me how to do pelvic tilts and instructed me not to jump or get vigorous. I stopped exercising after that month, though I wished not to.

Seventh Week: I go for long walks as a compensation.

Eightth Week: We bought a book on yoga for pregnant women. Prax and I tried a program the very first day we bought the book. But I didnt continue after that. Prax has been encouraging me. But I am not doing it. Specifically because yoga should be done after elimination on empty stomach. But this pregnancy constipation has been driving me crazy.

Ninth Week: I continue to walk. But I am choosing not to walk uphill, because of spotting. I am really really glad that I dont exercise, after I had that bad chullukku in the back. I suppose the muscles are really relaxed and it could be very risky to do unguided exercises.

Sore breasts

2008-04-20T05:32:00.000-07:00

Even by my 5th week my breasts started hurting. I think almost at the tip. It hurts in a weird painful way and I dont know who termed it as "tenderness" !!! what a strange way to term a pain. I read somewhere that a good supportive bra helps. So I wore the sports bra, and immediately it felt like the pain disappeared. Either I imagined it, or it really happened I dont know. Or it could be that the pain is not continuous, it just comes and goes. Pain I think is too big a word. But tenderness is too small a word. I suppose the breasts are growing. To see it positively! ;0 ... But wearing a Reebook sports bra in Indian summer is definitely a very sweaty idea! So I had to go for the Indian "T-shirt bra", the one that fit me precisely, thanks to the sales woman.

When I look back at what has happened in the last 9 weeks, I think the sore breasts are almost negligible. It is just an occasional indicator that we are indeed pregnant! It just comes and goes and doesnt cause much discomfort. Just serves as an indicator! I heard that it subsides after first trimester!

Spotting

2008-04-20T04:54:00.001-07:00

I have been spotting last two days. This is my 9th week. Scary. Yes. But then I dont know the definition of spotting. When I google searched, it looked like others were actually bleeding. Atleast a tablespoon ful. Others even more like regular periods. But in my case it was just visible in the toilet tissue, just like two days before periods. Oops, then does that mean, I am beginning something. Miscarriage is definitely a big fear in first trimester for older women. I am 34+ and this is my first pregnancy.

But each and every page I read, either said there is nothing to fear and that it is very common, or it said, go and do ultrasound immediately. But I have done one already, in the seventh week. They say if the ultrasound is good, then there is no threat of miscarriage. I wonder if things can change quite a bit in 2 weeks! I dont know.

There is a big discussion on whether it is brown (which means old blood - possibly implantation blood getting expelled), or pinkish, or whether it is reddish. If it is really red, as if fresh blood then they say, it is a dangerous indication. Nevertheless many people advice to just inform your doctor. I havent. I dont yet feel that there is anything scary. Afterall if it is there, a doctor cant really prevent anything. At best he can recommend ultrasound for verification. So why bother?

Many talk about taking good rest, if there is spotting. They say even anxiety or stress can cause it. To think about it, I was a little anxious two days ago. I wonder if the hormones did the anxiety or the anxiety did the hormones! :)

But I have decided not to walk uphill these two days. I walk about an hour atleast 3 days week and include a significant steep unhill, in the round. Last two days, I am just walking in plain road, not uphill anymore. It is told it isnt safe to use stairs too. I suppose all this is not to prevent a miscarriage, but purely to prevent a messy miscarriage scene! That is what I am guessing. Ah exaggerated fears! :) I am also feeling okay too. I think its going to be fine. I hope so.

Back pain

2008-04-20T04:52:00.000-07:00

God oh god, I had a very bad back chullukku last sunday. I wouldnt call it a pain. It is more like discomfort. More like a chullukku. Exactly the kind of thing that would happen to a muscle that is too relaxed and mishandled by a careless idiot like me. Yes I know relaxin is high in my body, I know hormones are getting my muscles ready. But whoever thought it was that relaxed. After all I lifted a very small pail with little amount of water, okay, okay I lifted it a little awkwardly. Never had such a mess before. Prax gave me a really good massage. I was desperate for it. I tried to stretch myself in many different ways and expected something will snap and the pain will disappear. But nothing happened. Finally it took a really good massage to feel a little better.

God damn it, I keep telling like an idiot it was barely one liter of water that I lifted. But nevertheless it happened. It is the position that matters. If your back muscles are involved in the lift you are in a mess. Its okay to use biceps, or bend with the knees. Please follow instructions when you lift even a feather weight material. I know by experience the muscles are going crazy indeed!

But the only good part is it was not painful really. Just very awkward discomfort.

First Ultrasound

2008-04-10T05:01:00.000-07:00

We did our first ultrasound on April 9th (the first photo of our little one?!). Prax really was curious and really wanting to and was looking forward to it. I really didnt want to. Dont know why. By April 9th I am so much completely bought over by this natural birth concepts and really think medical intervention is completely unnecessary, if there is no pain or worry. But then our doctors did stress of pregnancy confirmation only under ultra sound. "Unless there is a gestational sac and a heart beat, you dont know for sure" is the common saying now.

But then I agreed finally after three days of postponing, that I will do the ultrasound. I decided prax may be happy to see a photo. I was also fearing what if there is bad news, am I ready to handle it? The ultrasound doctor was indeed very professional but she was scaring me by asking 10 times "are you bleeding, really, not bleeding? sure? no abdominal pain too, no bleeding, sure?" as she was pressing down here and there in the lower abdomen searching for the tiny little thing. She declared she has to do it vaginal and asked me to pee and come, since I kept my bladder full for the ultrasound via abdomen.

I came out and thought something was wrong, told to prax so, really didnt want anything vaginal, I still am not comfortable - luckily the doctor was a kind professional person. Anyway I agreed, peed, came back to the table and she kept asking me again "no bleeding?" By now I was sure there is something wrong. But she was very clean, the equipment was handled in very sterile way (some condom like thing). Not uncomfortable as I feared.

Like all Indian doctors she didnt give me any explanation, her assistant just printed the report, put it in a cover and gave us. We both read it hurriedly, the 6mm logic which we understood in all different ways, lifted the photos to the light and made guess games. But nowhere does it say about heartbeat isnt it, we were worrying. Dissecting each word each line on the car drive and chewing on what it could mean. All lines looked very positive - this is good, that is good, very normal all that ... And bang I observed a line "cardiac activity noted." WOW we felt a relief. Dont know how we missed the line before. But then I obsessed myself with the "bulky" uterus adjective and was google searching upto fibroids and cancer and crazying myself. Will my dilation be greatly painful because of bulkiness, should I still think of natural birth? ... All usual exaggerated worries. But our consultant doctor made one look at the report and said "You are fine, eat well, we will do the next one in 15th week." He admonished me for running up the stairs coming to his clinic. "Dont run like this!" he said. Hmmm ... I had forgotten I am pregnant in all this worry about heart beat! :) ... We did big google analysis on CRL, gestational sac size, timing, and the best of all 103 BPM heart rate of our 6mm baby! Crazy haan. The webpage says above 100 is perfect! That felt great.

No tear please

2008-04-10T04:55:00.001-07:00

Birthing! (I learnt delivery is something that a doctor performs, birthing is something a woman performs!!! :)...) I am indeed very theoretically curious about natural birth techniques - no not in high principle, holy motherhood bullshit way. But in a "can I have it easy?" spoilt brat way! Now give me three cheers to wish for a birthing and no delivery, and promise me you will not expect me to stick to my principles on the crazy last hour! :) If you are a mother and finding this ridiculous, take a teddy bear imagine it to be madura, and give it a slap or a heavy punch. There you go. Come give me some nice nasty anonymous comments, whenever I get ridiculous. Please! Seriously. Otherwise I will end up assuming all that I say is true! :)

Yes I sure want to leave my "learning" words, (not learnt facts), lived truths, imagined guesses, in unfiltered form, until it takes a truthful shape.

Okay, now let us straight out jump to a big wish - no tear birth. I am reading up on "no tear" births. Hey hey, we arent talking about the holy water from the eyes here. Get ready. We are talking about perineal tear here. Yes, the tear between vagina and anus. Gives you the chills isnt it? First I thought it is so impossible that a woman can bear that kind of a tear. Then I realized it is impossible to birth without that. 3 stitches or 11 stitches and some jumping on third degree tear (whatever scary thing that is) and still surviving happily with the joyful bundle supposedly. If you are one, point your leg towards the computer screen, I shall bow to it, and declare "oh mother, thou art God" !

This (no tear) is something I thought was almost impossible after a while. It is equivalent to praying to Jesus for no puberty I suppose. Or is it not? Anyway, there are enough nuts like me around in this world, who did work, try, explore this "no tear" techniques. Obviously Kegel plays a crucial role. I didnt know about the gourds though! Gourds in Indian tradition and what was that Labash or Kabash in Africa?! Just today I read about a woman who swears she is tiny, and gave birth to really big kids, with no tear, which is just the kind of counter-intuitive miracle read I wanted. I wish to believe her, to be honest! Whether I need to mail order a EPI-NO from canada or just pick a gourd from local market, I am not sure. But when I read about it, it makes sense. You start streching your muscles as a practice, put something the size of a baby's head and try to observe without looking how it feels as you push it. Hmmm ... gone are the days practicing in that other direction, now ... :)
Anyways, this EPI-NO fancy thing will give you a pressure gauge, just like your car tire thingy I suppose (no I havent seen it) from which you can read how much pressure you exert with your Kegel. Cool haan? You learn from it and perfect it. They say just three weeks practice before delivery is good enough! They indeed have a balloon which you fill up!!! Canadian man, not Indian. Gourd got replaced by balloon - just the pressure that you wish, with your hand pump! (absolutely nuts right?!) Guys believe me, nobody I know masturbates over a vegetable or anything of that sort. Get over it. Some stupid guy fooled you. I am talking about exercise here, not fancy fun.

Kegel makes sense. Now, dont ask me if a gourd is safe. I dont know. Especially on a pregnant woman?! I have no idea man. I am just saying the theory makes sense. I also saw some sites that swear there is no tear in water birthing. Supposedly available in Indian metros now, but only a few doctors - since it needs some specific techniques and supervision.

First Visit to Doctor

2008-04-10T04:50:00.001-07:00

We went to the doctor just to get familiar with a professional practitioner of medicine, in the vicinity, in case of an emergency in future. I ended up having a Rs450 worth of a HcG injection, because I couldnt tell her "No, I dont want it." I was perfectly healthy and had no complaints.

We came home, google searched and really regretted the injection decision. So as all normal couples, we both argued and blamed each other, for the stupid decision. A sample of the dialogue: "You should have told me that you didnt want me to have; I thought you wanted to; You could have helped me by hinting, I had no strength to negate her counsel; Next time you better indicate to me non-verbally; There will be no next time; You learn to tell a no; You help me, you know I cant"

Then as all google crazy maniacs, we believed more the google news than the doctor. We blamed the doctor for a while. Then we got bored with it, specifically because it didnt lead to any solution. Finally with no other way to go, I agreed to my conscience to the fact that I am responsible for letting myself get injected. That was a big relief.

Slowly I told myself, I havent told the doctor, I never miscarried and that I am trying only recently, and this is my first time of even missing a period. She probably thought I miscarried before, tried for several years, since I am 34+ and she probably thought I hesistated to inform her. Finally I agreed to myself, I hadnt informed her properly. She decided to help me with the HcG. It isnt her fault perhaps, I concluded. I should have told.

Then we went to a nicer doctor explained the situation and got reconfirmation that we didnt need it. He referred to a nicer older male gynec. To him the first minute we were there I bluntly said "we are trying only this year and its my first pregnancy" He didnt react, possibly he didnt expect such blunt talk. Are you feeling healthy was his question. I told him yes ofcourse, can I continue my dancercise? He said "No, not in the first 3 months." But you dont have to take any medicine except folic acid.

Consult or not?

2008-04-10T04:49:00.001-07:00

We consulted with our friends here, whether we need to go to a doctor. I am of the opinion that we should go only if a miscarriage happens, or if the baby stays until 3 months. Why unnecessarily inform anyone until then? I am still cynical and think that there is a high probability that it may not work out this time. After all this is the first time I have become pregnant and I am 34+, and every other person I know lost their first pregnancy.

But our friends told us, just consult - spend 10 minutes, may be they will give you hormone tablets to avoid a miscarriage and may be folic acid too. Being the well informed pregnancy planner, Yes I have been taking multivitamins for a long time now, which includes folic acid. After the urine test, we bought pure folic acid and I have been eating it too. I thought it is good to talk to someone now, so that if I miscarried I know where to go for D and C, and by then the doctor will be familiar.

So we went. She convinced us to have a hcg injection. The choice was that it was better that Progestrone injection since it induces natural production of Prog and oral tablets (and vaginal insertion of tablets?!!! gosh!!!) are not that effective. So we agreed for Rs450 HcG injection (Gonadotropin?). It was painfree, since it got applied in the fattest muscle of mine (on my butt!). But we came home and google searched about the hcg and now we are thinking may be it wasnt necessary. She has asked us to come every week, and have the injection until 12th week. I am supposed to do an ultrasound also on my 8th week.

Missing the period

2008-04-10T04:46:00.000-07:00

Whenever prax mentioned that the day is getting past - indicating about the pregnancy, I am overwhelmed with this idea that 95% I am going to miscarry, (no, I havent miscarried before, just that my age now is 34+ ) and I am getting troubled by being pressured to be responsible for his disappointment also. Luckily I am in a relationship where I can verbalize this also! :) ... Around 28th-30th day itself prax was getting excited (he counted the days before I did) and I was discouraging him. The truth is I simply dont remember my days. I am very careless at that. Even when I remembered them, my days were never predictable. So I dont waste my grey cells over it!!! :)

But prax was curious I suppose and kept a watch. So he was getting excited, which I was disagreeing with- that was not the day, wrong wrong,went my argument without memory! :) ... At some point I got so disturbed I told him "You ask me one more time, "how many days", I will kill you!" ... For which he replied, "man, that sounds like PMS!!! ... " :) ... "Yes I will be getting it in a day, and dont hope too high" was my defensive talk. No this was not every month. This happened only once. Only this time.

Yes I could have just done the Rs50 urine test on that small kit available at every pharmacy. But I didnt. The truth is that I had to go to the North East Himalayan mountains. A place I have never been to. I have to travel up the mountain, wondering if I am inducing miscarriage or not. This is a terrible pain at the guilt level (no not at all at physical level). I travelled in jeeps, cars and buses up and down the mountains without telling anyone, I could be pregnant. I didnt tell myself either. :) That was very confusing for the guilt zone. I came back from the mountains and tested myself and yes the stripes indicated something positive! :) I should say, I was expecting my period any moment I was there up in the mountains. I still wasnt believing that it was going to happen! But did worry a bit, sitting in the back seat of a bus for 2 hours! :) How much can you hide from yourself?

I came back and the urine test says I am pregnant. Hmmm... I continue my dancercize, feeling fuzzy about informing the teacher there! I am still not believing it perhaps. Denial!