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Sunday, June 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
sixth week update
After delivery everybody tells you "wait till the sixth week, if it doesnt resolve itself then go for medication or surgery" for any pain illness you had acquired during pregnancy. Sixth week is some kind of magic number, I dont know why! :)
But they were right in some ways!
1. My carpal tunnel syndrome is almost gone (pooyeey pohchchu! :) veyhaamaana nivaranamey!). I thought that was one scary illness I had developed, because if it sustained I would have a career obstacle and I would have to opt a surgery. As of today, the symptom has gone down to minimal levels!
2. My swollen feet - obviously it disappeared, but the scary thing is my whole leg ballooned up a day after delivery, even my mom freaked out looking at it, but it disappeared very soon (Remember probably you are not draining out your bladder completely, and the bladder is repositioning itself as the uterus is shrinking - try standing up a little bit in the end to empty the whole bladder and this I learnt accidentally and this reduced the lower abdomen pain too.)
3. My weight - hee hee, I start usually with the topic of weight, but now I can start with a hoohhh haaaaaah, well I lost about 20 pounds right on the delivery table I suppose, because that week when I checked the weight showed 20 pounds less, then I saw about 4 or 5 pounds was swinging up and down the following weeks, so practically I had lost only 15 pounds, which in itself is a great number! :)
But then I am still 10 pounds 5kg - fatter than before pregnancy (I gained about 25 pounds 13 kg during pregnancy) and I am about 25 pounds fatter than healthy weight for my height - hee hee hee!!! :) I was fat even before pregnancy.
4.Hemorrhoids/Piles: Almost gone. This is something even the doctors were worried, if I have to opt for surgery - but it isnt any bad anymore, but as you know this can develop again into horrible status, unless I am careful of my diet.
5.Episiotomy stitches and pain: Well this was pretty strange that I didnt feel this much at all, I did see the thread/narambu coming off a little bit on the first few days and before I know it seems all gone, I suppose the piles pain and stitch pain was confused or really the piles pain was so high and overwhelming that this episiotomy pain was never realized - whatever it is, it never felt bad at all.
6.Engorgement: It took me a while to get out of this, (since my babies were at NICU) practically freaked out my gynec a little bit too - I suppose mine was either too big or too red than what she had seen before - she kept asking me is it too painful and I had been informing her, no not yet, the nurses who were deputed to care for me, reminded me of Hitler's NAZI troup with their hot water formentation techniques! For me this whole engorgement thing was crazy unexpected, (I totally didnt know, didnt expect, nobody told me, I carelessly missed reading it in the book!) one positive moment it felt really funny looking like Pamela Anderson, another stupid second it felt Orangutan's ass or something - yeah red too. Believe me it goes away, it disappears as all the book says, probably engorgement levels are different for every woman, whatever it is, it goes away soon, if not in 48 hours at least in a week and things turn back to being soft and normal. If you arent breastfeeding, some normal hand extraction, and some normal hot water treatment should resolve it, dont let anybody torture you or scare you!
NEW PROBLEMS:
Knee pain: To my utter surprise, after about 4 weeks I realized I have severe knee pain every time I squat and stand up, since the babies are in traditional thottil and since tables are low where I mix the milk, I practically squat or half squat and stand up atleast 25 times in a day and it is scary to feel the pain everytime, because knees are crucial for long term health. I wonder if calcium really got depleted out of there! I am taking quite healthy diet (thanks to amma) and milk but no calcium tablets yet.
Pelvic/Public pain: I realize this only when I walk about a km or atleast 10 minutes on the road. When I am home and walking between rooms, I dont realize it. This is not pain/pain as such, but some strange discomfort that makes walking very clumsy and a bit miserable as if the crucial tectonic plates of woman system are rearranging themselves. (I and prax have hypothesized that it may go away if we start walking/exercising regularly - hopefully so!)
Back pain: No I dont have it yet. May be because I didnt choose epidural, no injections on the spine and I am not breastfeeding sitting up every 2 hours yet! I have been forewarned that back pain starts 3 months after delivery! I have learnt from ammani that Yoga relieves it! So expecting it with solution in hand!
SHOULD YOU BELIEVE IN STATISTICS?
When you are pregnant every statistics relies on whether you are above 35 or below 35 and I had a very interesting time with it. Because I was born in 1974 March and got pregnant in 2008 expecting to deliver in April 2009 which made the doctors get confused whether I am 35+ category since I am expected to deliver a month after crossing my birthday! And the really funny fact is my babies became premature and I delivered one month before turning 35!!! :))) ...
So if anybody does research with the hospital data with my data in it, I am messing up their entire hypothesis/research agenda beautifully - hee hee!!! :)
But they were right in some ways!
1. My carpal tunnel syndrome is almost gone (pooyeey pohchchu! :) veyhaamaana nivaranamey!). I thought that was one scary illness I had developed, because if it sustained I would have a career obstacle and I would have to opt a surgery. As of today, the symptom has gone down to minimal levels!
2. My swollen feet - obviously it disappeared, but the scary thing is my whole leg ballooned up a day after delivery, even my mom freaked out looking at it, but it disappeared very soon (Remember probably you are not draining out your bladder completely, and the bladder is repositioning itself as the uterus is shrinking - try standing up a little bit in the end to empty the whole bladder and this I learnt accidentally and this reduced the lower abdomen pain too.)
3. My weight - hee hee, I start usually with the topic of weight, but now I can start with a hoohhh haaaaaah, well I lost about 20 pounds right on the delivery table I suppose, because that week when I checked the weight showed 20 pounds less, then I saw about 4 or 5 pounds was swinging up and down the following weeks, so practically I had lost only 15 pounds, which in itself is a great number! :)
But then I am still 10 pounds 5kg - fatter than before pregnancy (I gained about 25 pounds 13 kg during pregnancy) and I am about 25 pounds fatter than healthy weight for my height - hee hee hee!!! :) I was fat even before pregnancy.
4.Hemorrhoids/Piles: Almost gone. This is something even the doctors were worried, if I have to opt for surgery - but it isnt any bad anymore, but as you know this can develop again into horrible status, unless I am careful of my diet.
5.Episiotomy stitches and pain: Well this was pretty strange that I didnt feel this much at all, I did see the thread/narambu coming off a little bit on the first few days and before I know it seems all gone, I suppose the piles pain and stitch pain was confused or really the piles pain was so high and overwhelming that this episiotomy pain was never realized - whatever it is, it never felt bad at all.
6.Engorgement: It took me a while to get out of this, (since my babies were at NICU) practically freaked out my gynec a little bit too - I suppose mine was either too big or too red than what she had seen before - she kept asking me is it too painful and I had been informing her, no not yet, the nurses who were deputed to care for me, reminded me of Hitler's NAZI troup with their hot water formentation techniques! For me this whole engorgement thing was crazy unexpected, (I totally didnt know, didnt expect, nobody told me, I carelessly missed reading it in the book!) one positive moment it felt really funny looking like Pamela Anderson, another stupid second it felt Orangutan's ass or something - yeah red too. Believe me it goes away, it disappears as all the book says, probably engorgement levels are different for every woman, whatever it is, it goes away soon, if not in 48 hours at least in a week and things turn back to being soft and normal. If you arent breastfeeding, some normal hand extraction, and some normal hot water treatment should resolve it, dont let anybody torture you or scare you!
NEW PROBLEMS:
Knee pain: To my utter surprise, after about 4 weeks I realized I have severe knee pain every time I squat and stand up, since the babies are in traditional thottil and since tables are low where I mix the milk, I practically squat or half squat and stand up atleast 25 times in a day and it is scary to feel the pain everytime, because knees are crucial for long term health. I wonder if calcium really got depleted out of there! I am taking quite healthy diet (thanks to amma) and milk but no calcium tablets yet.
Pelvic/Public pain: I realize this only when I walk about a km or atleast 10 minutes on the road. When I am home and walking between rooms, I dont realize it. This is not pain/pain as such, but some strange discomfort that makes walking very clumsy and a bit miserable as if the crucial tectonic plates of woman system are rearranging themselves. (I and prax have hypothesized that it may go away if we start walking/exercising regularly - hopefully so!)
Back pain: No I dont have it yet. May be because I didnt choose epidural, no injections on the spine and I am not breastfeeding sitting up every 2 hours yet! I have been forewarned that back pain starts 3 months after delivery! I have learnt from ammani that Yoga relieves it! So expecting it with solution in hand!
SHOULD YOU BELIEVE IN STATISTICS?
When you are pregnant every statistics relies on whether you are above 35 or below 35 and I had a very interesting time with it. Because I was born in 1974 March and got pregnant in 2008 expecting to deliver in April 2009 which made the doctors get confused whether I am 35+ category since I am expected to deliver a month after crossing my birthday! And the really funny fact is my babies became premature and I delivered one month before turning 35!!! :))) ...
So if anybody does research with the hospital data with my data in it, I am messing up their entire hypothesis/research agenda beautifully - hee hee!!! :)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Conclusions, Limitations and Future Work
I know I had a very easy delivery - pain wise, I prepared well for it, I messed up in understanding team psychology because I was unprepared! I am reading back my previous blog and I feel that I have not mentioned how easy and smooth it was in many ways - I was in very good hands - technically extremely capable people, and I just wanted a more than normal level of affection and interaction but couldnt get it because of fate (last minute change) and some irresponsibility on my side in taking charge even in the last minute - I could have worked on making it more pleasant :))) ... I know there are people who go through hell at labour ward both technically and emotionally, I should admit I was in good hands, with the state of the art technology beside my babies!
We belong to the generation of women, who arent just satisfied with a man who is just handsome, we want him to love us too right?! :) It isnt enough he is good, it is important he thinks you are good too right?! We have moved ahead in our expectations and wants, and the same goes with delivery/birthing. Pain has been the focus for a long time now, and pain relief is available in many forms these days, you can choose the ethnic versions (pranayama), french version (lamaze) to epidural and what nots. PAIN isnt a problem anymore. We shall focus on how we can make the experience more pleasant. I suppose I wanted a happy team work, a trusting teammate and memorable interaction, a fantasy ideal doula world I wished for - but didnt work on, that has been the biggest limitation.
1. Always write down a birthing plan, in paper, in print, sign it and keep it. Write in detail exactly how you would like to be treated and what are your preferences regarding positions, pain relief technique or medication, information you would want to be given to you on the spot etc. This helps in two ways, one it lets you remain peaceful that your wants have been expressed and it lets your teammate in delivery (doctor) know what you want, and s/he has a reference. It is extremely helpful if you end up with a last minute doctor change - like I had. Yes I didnt write down because first of all, birth plan sounds as funny and ridiculous as pre-nuptial contract, and second of all, I actually talked out all my anxieties and gained a lot of trust with my doctor and I totally didnt expect I wouldnt have him in the last hour!
It is important because there is no way you would have the energy, conscience or clarity to speak while in labour. Its best your man or amma knows the details and hands over the paper to the doctor.
Yes it could be completely ignored or found ridiculous by the other parties, but what matters is that you have done your part to make the experience as pleasant as possible and you have taken the responsibility. Chances are your wishes will come true.
While being rushed to the labour room, just ask if your family member is allowed inside, you never know when the rules can be flexed!
Most important of all, have fun with yourself, if the team sucks! :) There is no point in expecting team pleasure, if there has been no interaction before. Even if you get 5 minutes take the time to befriend a nurse and shamelessly request kindness in any direct or indirect way possible. There is atleast one out there in the team who would like to be on your side, if you had tried. Remember request, communication, outward appreciation all goes in a long way for a partner support in team play.
Even at the craziest most challenging hour keep communicating on what you wish for - there is a possibility that it is respected and you are given what you wish for - dont give up.
In the end life's experiences is all about how much you have made an effort to make it more pleasant and it is never about what others have done.
Take charge of your life, of your hours, of your moments, and you can make it as pleasant as you can.
Because, Theethum nanrum pirar thara vaaraa! :))))) ...
And ofcourse, where there is a will there is a way.
We belong to the generation of women, who arent just satisfied with a man who is just handsome, we want him to love us too right?! :) It isnt enough he is good, it is important he thinks you are good too right?! We have moved ahead in our expectations and wants, and the same goes with delivery/birthing. Pain has been the focus for a long time now, and pain relief is available in many forms these days, you can choose the ethnic versions (pranayama), french version (lamaze) to epidural and what nots. PAIN isnt a problem anymore. We shall focus on how we can make the experience more pleasant. I suppose I wanted a happy team work, a trusting teammate and memorable interaction, a fantasy ideal doula world I wished for - but didnt work on, that has been the biggest limitation.
1. Always write down a birthing plan, in paper, in print, sign it and keep it. Write in detail exactly how you would like to be treated and what are your preferences regarding positions, pain relief technique or medication, information you would want to be given to you on the spot etc. This helps in two ways, one it lets you remain peaceful that your wants have been expressed and it lets your teammate in delivery (doctor) know what you want, and s/he has a reference. It is extremely helpful if you end up with a last minute doctor change - like I had. Yes I didnt write down because first of all, birth plan sounds as funny and ridiculous as pre-nuptial contract, and second of all, I actually talked out all my anxieties and gained a lot of trust with my doctor and I totally didnt expect I wouldnt have him in the last hour!
It is important because there is no way you would have the energy, conscience or clarity to speak while in labour. Its best your man or amma knows the details and hands over the paper to the doctor.
Yes it could be completely ignored or found ridiculous by the other parties, but what matters is that you have done your part to make the experience as pleasant as possible and you have taken the responsibility. Chances are your wishes will come true.
While being rushed to the labour room, just ask if your family member is allowed inside, you never know when the rules can be flexed!
Most important of all, have fun with yourself, if the team sucks! :) There is no point in expecting team pleasure, if there has been no interaction before. Even if you get 5 minutes take the time to befriend a nurse and shamelessly request kindness in any direct or indirect way possible. There is atleast one out there in the team who would like to be on your side, if you had tried. Remember request, communication, outward appreciation all goes in a long way for a partner support in team play.
Even at the craziest most challenging hour keep communicating on what you wish for - there is a possibility that it is respected and you are given what you wish for - dont give up.
In the end life's experiences is all about how much you have made an effort to make it more pleasant and it is never about what others have done.
Take charge of your life, of your hours, of your moments, and you can make it as pleasant as you can.
Because, Theethum nanrum pirar thara vaaraa! :))))) ...
And ofcourse, where there is a will there is a way.
Monday, March 16, 2009
dumbu yoneeswari at the delivery table
March 16 2009: My babies are due 34 days from now. But they are already 1 month old tommorrow! :)
STORY OF A PREMATURE NORMAL DELIVERY OF TWINS:
From Feb 16th 3:30pm to Feb 17th 3:30am:
3:30pm: Water break - not yellow but whitish transparent pee like, somewhat sticky, odorless. Happened in small flows, about every half hour as google search said. By the second flow I knew it was 90% amniotic fluid, but I was still hoping it wasnt. It was my mom who told me it would be sticky, from the books I read I was expecting a mucus plug and blood to show up first before the fluid! hmmm ... hardly did I know then the next 24 hours I wouldnt have much correlation between my knowledge and upcoming experience!
5pm: Prax came back from his lab class and I informed him about my doubt whether it was amniotic fluid that I saw. He got anxious and insisted I call my gynec on phone, but I wanted to postpone, because I was embarassed by the thought what if it was just pee?! or hoping that it was just that.
Nevertheless called the doc after second flow. I was asking a dumb question, "doctor can I find out if it was pee or amnio?" just to be sure I am not creating an embarassing false alarm, but he already panicked and asked me to come immediately.
6pm: It was scary when I was given priority and sent inside the doctor's room while the clinic was overflowing with pregnant women anxiously waiting for his consultancy. He asked me to cough while at the table, I dont know what he checked, but he came out and said I might deliver in 24 hours, and said it is better to transport the baby in the mother's uterus to the NICU, than in an ambulance - so it is safe to deliver at the NICU hospital and not with him. He called up the doctors, gave a reference letter and asked us to rush immediately after giving me a triple steroid injection - for lung maturation of babies and told me the next three will be given by the next doctor.
7pm: So we came home packed and went to a destination hospital in a nearby city and to a doctor whom we have never met! All the big plans, decisions, visits, on choice of doctor and hospital and room, everything is meaningless at this point. Absolutely no pain yet. I am still hoping this whole thing is going to pause, something like Braxton Hicks, and that this is all unnecessary waste of tension for everyone! But had a big gush stepping into the home, confirming atleast one whole pack of fluid is already drained possibly - DARN.
8:30pm: Arrived and admitted at the city hospital, waited for the doctors to arrive. I got a bad menstrual cramp like pain in my back, nothing like a contraction - or atleast nothing like what I imagined the pain would be, there was no timing of pain, nothing of that sort. You know phase one, where you breathe upto stomach, phase two, phase three, all those lamaze class techniques, none of those pains were coming in, so I wasnt practicing any breathing yet ... Somewhere in the Nutan pandit book I remember she mentioning about "back labour" and I thought may be I am having "back labor" or simply that the twin who is at the back is starting to march first.... I asked my amma, does it pain like a really intense menstrual cramp - and she said "could be, possibly." I couldnt lie down my back was going crazy, I couldnt sit on the bed, I went down to the floor and sat on the floor with legs stretched and that felt better, and I was still expecting anxiously some big contraction to hit me like a thunder anytime. The nurse was surprised I chose to sit on the floor when there was a comfortable reclinable bed, I gave an embarassed smile and said, "really bad back pain, I am happy here" and she noted down - "no abdominal pain - no contractions, only back pain." I hated the fact that I couldnt lie down and it was late night.
11:30pm: The doctor finally arrived and asked me to lie down and I practically pleaded to her, "I cant please, can you check pressure in any other position?" - she looked puzzled and somehow quickly realized something and started scolding the nurse, "why didnt you call me early enough?" and she scolded me too "who asked you to go for walking with twin babies? you are supposed to be in bed rest" - she was getting annoyed, irritated and I could sense things are possibly getting out of hand for her. She told me "I believe in conservative management, I was expecting to stop the progress of labour, but here you are ready to go to the labour room"? KYAAAAAA?!!! Suddenly a wheel chair came into the room and I was taken in it to the labour room.
Midnight: I begged the nurses to let me sit up, lying down was miserable. Still no contractions that I sensed! I wanted to give an elaborate lecture on how WHO insists that every labouring woman should deliver in her position of choice and that she should be allowed to freely move around and take any position, etc..., but I could barely say "please sister please can I sit up" which met a strong and obstinate "NO" from the nurse. Finally the doctor stepped into the room and I asked her again and she said "okay" I havent felt that happy ever in my life - it was such a relief to sit up, but hardly did I know that was only a five minute break and I was expected to lie down again, because they wanted to monitor the babies and me lying down was best for that!!! It is at this point I started to realize "I" am of least importance to them. "Birthing" my dear blog readers is about empowering the mother to make all the decisions and go according to her wishes! THIS WASNT BIRTHING. When I asked the nurse - "have I dilated already - how much?" she replied "the doctor will know that, you dont worry." No, not rudely, but kindly. MAN!!! I am not going to know even how much I am dilated, I know this is not going to be any birthing to any measure, this is going to be 100% pure vanilla delivery experience. This was definitely disappointing. I asked the doctor when she came in, gathering all my hopes "doctor, how much have I dilated?" and she said "you were dilated 5cm already, thats why we couldnt postpone your labor" FIVE CM!!! And I thought that was the hardest part and I have already crossed it and didnt know?!!! And here they were already starting to ask me "ARE YOU READY TO PUSH" - but that is phase III in the book, when did I cross both the phases?! But doctor I have no contraction I said and they were all getting annoyed, anxious, irritated, frustrated, at this point, making me feel like "dumbu yoneeswari" and "crazy clueless-eswari" at the same time! THAT MY DEAR BLOG READERS WAS THE MOST TERRIBLE PART OF MY DELIVERY EXPERIENCE. Not the pain. But this psychological pressure, this performance anxiety, this aspect of loss of self respect and identity. Not the pain. Atleast not for me. Usually when I dont see any "humane treatment" towards my self respect I completely shrink down, shut up, give up, go into some yogi mood, and that happened right there. I go as far as resignation, quit the continent, divorce, you know I take to extremes at the very sign of lack of respect for my self-identity. In a delivery table since I couldnt run away 20,000 miles, all that I could do was just shrink into my conscience and shut out every expectation and communication.
THE BIGGEST UNCONSCIOUS MISTAKE: Our highest hope that prax would be allowed into the delivery/birthing room was given up earlier, because my regular gynec and the hospital doesnt permit that. But at this new hospital I suppose it is permitted, but I didnt know. In my yogic/cynic trance state at 1am or so when everybody was expecting me to PUSH, and screaming at me "PUSH. PUSH. PUSH" I was only hoping to sit up or stand for 3 seconds atleast, the doctor asked me "do you want your husband or mother with you here?" The question slowly went into my brain, and my brain was processing an answer, and believe me it was 24 hours later or so, I wondered why I didnt immediately ask for prax. The fact is there was pitocin or some labor induction going on through the IV and the pain was made artificially intense and I was hyper anxious over the "performance anxiety" that I completely missed the GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY which I regret the most. After all I needed only one human to be fully confident of me, to hope completely in my potential, for me to regain the courage and energy to perform and I didnt use the opportunity. They could have simply let one of them in, and definitely prax if he can bear it, but man, I cant believe I didnt answer. I was just so overwhelmed so embarassed so disappointed with my dumbu yoneeswari role there that I had shut down myself at all levels. I have this terrible nature in me, I resign even from my own self I suppose.
THE STUPIDEST BLUNDER MISTAKE: When they all were going "PUSH, PUSH, PUSH" in completely frustrated yet hopeful anxiety, and asking me to do it when the NEXT CONTRACTION Comes and me still wondering "WHAT IS A CONTRACTION REALLY?!" and under public pressure I was trying to push nevertheless, instead of holding my breathe to push, I was deep breathing and doing BLOW BLOW BLOW - you see I was confused under all pitocin, and without any reference, I didnt know what phase or stage I was in. The technique I was using was for "relaxation/pain relief" and not pushing. To push you hold your breathe and go "GRRRRRRR...." non stop. It took me quite a while and my doctor's real anger to tell myself I am doing something really wrong! In between I overheard a nurse getting anxious if this case will end up as ceasarean! I was just wondering why she was worried - no not angrily but seriously I was wondering what that could imply - good news or bad news or may be she was just too sleepy to assist a surgery at that unplanned hour!!! :) I am so happy and proud today that it was normal delivery, I am happy I finally figured to push on time!
SHIT MATTERS: No, I wasnt given enema, which I very much expected. I suppose there was no time for that. I still dont know if I shat on the delivery table or not! I cant believe the babies came out after all that DARN PUSH, the table looked clean when I stepped out after 15 minutes - either the janitor and nurses were super good and fast or I really didnt shit! NO IDEA.
2:50am: My legs were forcefully held on the stirrup and something really really absolutely insane was done down there for me, and nothing was told then and I only sensed disappointment over my yet not pushing problem, Finally I GRRRRRRRed very very hard and out came Kudukudusamy. No I didnt know the gender right away, no I didnt see the baby either, no I didnt dare to ask, you see after four people have pressed your legs hard in a stirr up and somebody had violently put their hand in your most vulnerable part, and nobody talking kindly to you, you loose even the courage to ask if that thing they took out is yours or not and you are just happy that everybody has stopped saying "PUSH" now!
3:03am: Then came the even more comical delivery of my twin II, this time, my tummy felt very light, since one person is out already, and no contraction I am sensing, and they are asking me to push with the next contraction, and I am still wondering "WHAT IS A CONTRACTION?" and in addition "BUT I FEEL NOTHING IN MY TUMMY TO PUSH OUT", but I was so scared of all the people around and their frustration, and I was trying hard to GRRRRRRRRR and push, and it felt like a complete idiotic miracle when the baby came out, ... DID I REALLY PUSH THAT THING OUT MYSELF? I wondered! The pediatricians were hyper anxious and the babies were rushed out. The placentae both came together pretty soon - and at the delivery table I remembered I had still not checked in the google how twin placenta come out, one by one, before the second one's birth does first placenta come out and all that and there I was according to my doctor shedding both the placentae together.
3:15am: The doctor seemed more relaxed now, and told me "you can relax now your job is done" but what is she doing there for the past 15 minutes? Was there an episiotomy? Is there so many stitches? What takes 15 minutes of doctor work there? 24 hours later she told me "since they were premature babies, their cranium is too fragile to handle a normal first time birth, so I gave your a BIG episiotomy, I am sorry if we could have planned better we could have done a ceasarean for you." I was already very happy that all drama was over and I respected her for all the effort in spite of showing up in the 11th hour at her refuge.
3:30am: I was in my room and ready to sleep! There was a confusion whether it was two boys or one boy and one girl!!! Some nurses thought this way, others that! Half an hour later, the doctor officially informed us it was one boy, one girl. I slept happily, not because I have become a mother, but purely purely purely because nobody was asking me to PUSH PUSH PUSH anymore and I was causing no disappointment anymore. I was happy to be with myself but was getting nightmares and waking up! It was not a physical trauma but a psychological trauma for sure!
7:00am: The janitor girl came to clean up the room, and somehow I felt like talking to her. And she joked with me that she has never seen such a delivery, how come I didnt shout or curse the gods or atleast my mother! She even told me at somepoint I seem to be smiling too. I felt very happy with that compliment. I wish whatever she told was true. I have no recollection. I dont remember screaming. But I remember polambifying "amma, amma, katuvule" especially frustrated over not being able to sit up. I remember feeling so embarassed about disappointing everyone not being able to push as they wanted. I asked prax whether I was screaming, he told me he could only hear the doctor shouting "PUSH, PUSH..." So I suppose I didnt scream as in movies! But when the doctor told me next day "my god what a scene you made, how much you shouted" I couldnt figure out if that was real or a joke! I suppose she joked. I couldnt figure out. Because she was very frustrated at the delivery room but nice to me after that - the next 10 days she was very kind to me as I cared for my kids at NICU!
She saw me only at 11:30pm and in four hours she has performed the most challenging task of my life, I respect her for taking me in the last minute and giving her best shot. We are home today, March 16th with the two babies and I suppose there is no point talking about birthing anymore! :) No, not really. I have a daughter. If I could I will help her decide on her BIRTHING choices, keep her informed and give her the courage to make independent decisions even at the delivery table, epidural or pranayama or ceasarean she shall choose happily!
STORY OF A PREMATURE NORMAL DELIVERY OF TWINS:
From Feb 16th 3:30pm to Feb 17th 3:30am:
3:30pm: Water break - not yellow but whitish transparent pee like, somewhat sticky, odorless. Happened in small flows, about every half hour as google search said. By the second flow I knew it was 90% amniotic fluid, but I was still hoping it wasnt. It was my mom who told me it would be sticky, from the books I read I was expecting a mucus plug and blood to show up first before the fluid! hmmm ... hardly did I know then the next 24 hours I wouldnt have much correlation between my knowledge and upcoming experience!
5pm: Prax came back from his lab class and I informed him about my doubt whether it was amniotic fluid that I saw. He got anxious and insisted I call my gynec on phone, but I wanted to postpone, because I was embarassed by the thought what if it was just pee?! or hoping that it was just that.
Nevertheless called the doc after second flow. I was asking a dumb question, "doctor can I find out if it was pee or amnio?" just to be sure I am not creating an embarassing false alarm, but he already panicked and asked me to come immediately.
6pm: It was scary when I was given priority and sent inside the doctor's room while the clinic was overflowing with pregnant women anxiously waiting for his consultancy. He asked me to cough while at the table, I dont know what he checked, but he came out and said I might deliver in 24 hours, and said it is better to transport the baby in the mother's uterus to the NICU, than in an ambulance - so it is safe to deliver at the NICU hospital and not with him. He called up the doctors, gave a reference letter and asked us to rush immediately after giving me a triple steroid injection - for lung maturation of babies and told me the next three will be given by the next doctor.
7pm: So we came home packed and went to a destination hospital in a nearby city and to a doctor whom we have never met! All the big plans, decisions, visits, on choice of doctor and hospital and room, everything is meaningless at this point. Absolutely no pain yet. I am still hoping this whole thing is going to pause, something like Braxton Hicks, and that this is all unnecessary waste of tension for everyone! But had a big gush stepping into the home, confirming atleast one whole pack of fluid is already drained possibly - DARN.
8:30pm: Arrived and admitted at the city hospital, waited for the doctors to arrive. I got a bad menstrual cramp like pain in my back, nothing like a contraction - or atleast nothing like what I imagined the pain would be, there was no timing of pain, nothing of that sort. You know phase one, where you breathe upto stomach, phase two, phase three, all those lamaze class techniques, none of those pains were coming in, so I wasnt practicing any breathing yet ... Somewhere in the Nutan pandit book I remember she mentioning about "back labour" and I thought may be I am having "back labor" or simply that the twin who is at the back is starting to march first.... I asked my amma, does it pain like a really intense menstrual cramp - and she said "could be, possibly." I couldnt lie down my back was going crazy, I couldnt sit on the bed, I went down to the floor and sat on the floor with legs stretched and that felt better, and I was still expecting anxiously some big contraction to hit me like a thunder anytime. The nurse was surprised I chose to sit on the floor when there was a comfortable reclinable bed, I gave an embarassed smile and said, "really bad back pain, I am happy here" and she noted down - "no abdominal pain - no contractions, only back pain." I hated the fact that I couldnt lie down and it was late night.
11:30pm: The doctor finally arrived and asked me to lie down and I practically pleaded to her, "I cant please, can you check pressure in any other position?" - she looked puzzled and somehow quickly realized something and started scolding the nurse, "why didnt you call me early enough?" and she scolded me too "who asked you to go for walking with twin babies? you are supposed to be in bed rest" - she was getting annoyed, irritated and I could sense things are possibly getting out of hand for her. She told me "I believe in conservative management, I was expecting to stop the progress of labour, but here you are ready to go to the labour room"? KYAAAAAA?!!! Suddenly a wheel chair came into the room and I was taken in it to the labour room.
Midnight: I begged the nurses to let me sit up, lying down was miserable. Still no contractions that I sensed! I wanted to give an elaborate lecture on how WHO insists that every labouring woman should deliver in her position of choice and that she should be allowed to freely move around and take any position, etc..., but I could barely say "please sister please can I sit up" which met a strong and obstinate "NO" from the nurse. Finally the doctor stepped into the room and I asked her again and she said "okay" I havent felt that happy ever in my life - it was such a relief to sit up, but hardly did I know that was only a five minute break and I was expected to lie down again, because they wanted to monitor the babies and me lying down was best for that!!! It is at this point I started to realize "I" am of least importance to them. "Birthing" my dear blog readers is about empowering the mother to make all the decisions and go according to her wishes! THIS WASNT BIRTHING. When I asked the nurse - "have I dilated already - how much?" she replied "the doctor will know that, you dont worry." No, not rudely, but kindly. MAN!!! I am not going to know even how much I am dilated, I know this is not going to be any birthing to any measure, this is going to be 100% pure vanilla delivery experience. This was definitely disappointing. I asked the doctor when she came in, gathering all my hopes "doctor, how much have I dilated?" and she said "you were dilated 5cm already, thats why we couldnt postpone your labor" FIVE CM!!! And I thought that was the hardest part and I have already crossed it and didnt know?!!! And here they were already starting to ask me "ARE YOU READY TO PUSH" - but that is phase III in the book, when did I cross both the phases?! But doctor I have no contraction I said and they were all getting annoyed, anxious, irritated, frustrated, at this point, making me feel like "dumbu yoneeswari" and "crazy clueless-eswari" at the same time! THAT MY DEAR BLOG READERS WAS THE MOST TERRIBLE PART OF MY DELIVERY EXPERIENCE. Not the pain. But this psychological pressure, this performance anxiety, this aspect of loss of self respect and identity. Not the pain. Atleast not for me. Usually when I dont see any "humane treatment" towards my self respect I completely shrink down, shut up, give up, go into some yogi mood, and that happened right there. I go as far as resignation, quit the continent, divorce, you know I take to extremes at the very sign of lack of respect for my self-identity. In a delivery table since I couldnt run away 20,000 miles, all that I could do was just shrink into my conscience and shut out every expectation and communication.
THE BIGGEST UNCONSCIOUS MISTAKE: Our highest hope that prax would be allowed into the delivery/birthing room was given up earlier, because my regular gynec and the hospital doesnt permit that. But at this new hospital I suppose it is permitted, but I didnt know. In my yogic/cynic trance state at 1am or so when everybody was expecting me to PUSH, and screaming at me "PUSH. PUSH. PUSH" I was only hoping to sit up or stand for 3 seconds atleast, the doctor asked me "do you want your husband or mother with you here?" The question slowly went into my brain, and my brain was processing an answer, and believe me it was 24 hours later or so, I wondered why I didnt immediately ask for prax. The fact is there was pitocin or some labor induction going on through the IV and the pain was made artificially intense and I was hyper anxious over the "performance anxiety" that I completely missed the GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY which I regret the most. After all I needed only one human to be fully confident of me, to hope completely in my potential, for me to regain the courage and energy to perform and I didnt use the opportunity. They could have simply let one of them in, and definitely prax if he can bear it, but man, I cant believe I didnt answer. I was just so overwhelmed so embarassed so disappointed with my dumbu yoneeswari role there that I had shut down myself at all levels. I have this terrible nature in me, I resign even from my own self I suppose.
THE STUPIDEST BLUNDER MISTAKE: When they all were going "PUSH, PUSH, PUSH" in completely frustrated yet hopeful anxiety, and asking me to do it when the NEXT CONTRACTION Comes and me still wondering "WHAT IS A CONTRACTION REALLY?!" and under public pressure I was trying to push nevertheless, instead of holding my breathe to push, I was deep breathing and doing BLOW BLOW BLOW - you see I was confused under all pitocin, and without any reference, I didnt know what phase or stage I was in. The technique I was using was for "relaxation/pain relief" and not pushing. To push you hold your breathe and go "GRRRRRRR...." non stop. It took me quite a while and my doctor's real anger to tell myself I am doing something really wrong! In between I overheard a nurse getting anxious if this case will end up as ceasarean! I was just wondering why she was worried - no not angrily but seriously I was wondering what that could imply - good news or bad news or may be she was just too sleepy to assist a surgery at that unplanned hour!!! :) I am so happy and proud today that it was normal delivery, I am happy I finally figured to push on time!
SHIT MATTERS: No, I wasnt given enema, which I very much expected. I suppose there was no time for that. I still dont know if I shat on the delivery table or not! I cant believe the babies came out after all that DARN PUSH, the table looked clean when I stepped out after 15 minutes - either the janitor and nurses were super good and fast or I really didnt shit! NO IDEA.
2:50am: My legs were forcefully held on the stirrup and something really really absolutely insane was done down there for me, and nothing was told then and I only sensed disappointment over my yet not pushing problem, Finally I GRRRRRRRed very very hard and out came Kudukudusamy. No I didnt know the gender right away, no I didnt see the baby either, no I didnt dare to ask, you see after four people have pressed your legs hard in a stirr up and somebody had violently put their hand in your most vulnerable part, and nobody talking kindly to you, you loose even the courage to ask if that thing they took out is yours or not and you are just happy that everybody has stopped saying "PUSH" now!
3:03am: Then came the even more comical delivery of my twin II, this time, my tummy felt very light, since one person is out already, and no contraction I am sensing, and they are asking me to push with the next contraction, and I am still wondering "WHAT IS A CONTRACTION?" and in addition "BUT I FEEL NOTHING IN MY TUMMY TO PUSH OUT", but I was so scared of all the people around and their frustration, and I was trying hard to GRRRRRRRRR and push, and it felt like a complete idiotic miracle when the baby came out, ... DID I REALLY PUSH THAT THING OUT MYSELF? I wondered! The pediatricians were hyper anxious and the babies were rushed out. The placentae both came together pretty soon - and at the delivery table I remembered I had still not checked in the google how twin placenta come out, one by one, before the second one's birth does first placenta come out and all that and there I was according to my doctor shedding both the placentae together.
3:15am: The doctor seemed more relaxed now, and told me "you can relax now your job is done" but what is she doing there for the past 15 minutes? Was there an episiotomy? Is there so many stitches? What takes 15 minutes of doctor work there? 24 hours later she told me "since they were premature babies, their cranium is too fragile to handle a normal first time birth, so I gave your a BIG episiotomy, I am sorry if we could have planned better we could have done a ceasarean for you." I was already very happy that all drama was over and I respected her for all the effort in spite of showing up in the 11th hour at her refuge.
3:30am: I was in my room and ready to sleep! There was a confusion whether it was two boys or one boy and one girl!!! Some nurses thought this way, others that! Half an hour later, the doctor officially informed us it was one boy, one girl. I slept happily, not because I have become a mother, but purely purely purely because nobody was asking me to PUSH PUSH PUSH anymore and I was causing no disappointment anymore. I was happy to be with myself but was getting nightmares and waking up! It was not a physical trauma but a psychological trauma for sure!
7:00am: The janitor girl came to clean up the room, and somehow I felt like talking to her. And she joked with me that she has never seen such a delivery, how come I didnt shout or curse the gods or atleast my mother! She even told me at somepoint I seem to be smiling too. I felt very happy with that compliment. I wish whatever she told was true. I have no recollection. I dont remember screaming. But I remember polambifying "amma, amma, katuvule" especially frustrated over not being able to sit up. I remember feeling so embarassed about disappointing everyone not being able to push as they wanted. I asked prax whether I was screaming, he told me he could only hear the doctor shouting "PUSH, PUSH..." So I suppose I didnt scream as in movies! But when the doctor told me next day "my god what a scene you made, how much you shouted" I couldnt figure out if that was real or a joke! I suppose she joked. I couldnt figure out. Because she was very frustrated at the delivery room but nice to me after that - the next 10 days she was very kind to me as I cared for my kids at NICU!
She saw me only at 11:30pm and in four hours she has performed the most challenging task of my life, I respect her for taking me in the last minute and giving her best shot. We are home today, March 16th with the two babies and I suppose there is no point talking about birthing anymore! :) No, not really. I have a daughter. If I could I will help her decide on her BIRTHING choices, keep her informed and give her the courage to make independent decisions even at the delivery table, epidural or pranayama or ceasarean she shall choose happily!
Friday, February 27, 2009
We will, we will, rock you!!!
Kudukudusamy and thoppailakshmi are here!On 7th month last day kudukudusamy broke his waters and we were asked to rush to a city hospital, with NICU capacity.
Kudukudusamy born at 2:50am on Feb 17th after about 4 hours of figuring out I am indeed in labor! And thoppailakshmi who had no plans to come out was forced to come out, (ARM - Artificial rupture of membrane!) at about 3:03am.
Normal Delivery! Huge episiotomy to care for their cranium says the doctor. It isnt too bad. I am recovering well (except for the horrible return of hemorrhoids!)
Both their lungs were fully functional - is the good news - so they didn't need a ventillator even though they needed NICU. Only warm temperature and slow feeding sessions to ensure their guts are ready!
They were 2kg(tl) and 1.8kg(kk) each.
They are still upstairs being nursed through IVs and spoons.
I am at the hospital recovering very well.
Going nuts with breast milk extracting issues. Though it is unfortunate that I am barely able to touch my babies, (so far twice in one week!), atleast I see them everyday through a glass window, the blessing in disguise is that it is giving me time to get ready at all levels!
Yes they dont have names yet - they remain Twin 1, Twin 2! We are still figuring out the name part!!! :) No anchor bolts planted on the ceiling yet to hold their thottil! :))) ...
The first day when I saw thoppailakshmi crying her lungs out at NICU, all that I can imagine was two really loud stereos, like in the rock music concerts going in full blast singing "WE WILL, WE WILL, ROCK YOU!" ... :))) Barely 2kg, yet she was kalakkufying NICU room! I found that so funny. For some reason I was in a very happy mood that day!!! Hormones really. Or may be I was happy one big responsibility was over!
Rest of the gory details will be released may be in 20 days or in 20 years, I have no idea. :))) ... Or may be I might be so frustrated I might write 20 blogs in a day! :))) ...
Blog written (23/02/09) at hospital and posted by prax (28/02/09).
update as of 28/2/09: kk is off the NICU with mom though in his warmer.
tl is soon to follow. so far- it's as good as it gets...
Kudukudusamy born at 2:50am on Feb 17th after about 4 hours of figuring out I am indeed in labor! And thoppailakshmi who had no plans to come out was forced to come out, (ARM - Artificial rupture of membrane!) at about 3:03am.
Normal Delivery! Huge episiotomy to care for their cranium says the doctor. It isnt too bad. I am recovering well (except for the horrible return of hemorrhoids!)
Both their lungs were fully functional - is the good news - so they didn't need a ventillator even though they needed NICU. Only warm temperature and slow feeding sessions to ensure their guts are ready!
They were 2kg(tl) and 1.8kg(kk) each.
They are still upstairs being nursed through IVs and spoons.
I am at the hospital recovering very well.
Going nuts with breast milk extracting issues. Though it is unfortunate that I am barely able to touch my babies, (so far twice in one week!), atleast I see them everyday through a glass window, the blessing in disguise is that it is giving me time to get ready at all levels!
Yes they dont have names yet - they remain Twin 1, Twin 2! We are still figuring out the name part!!! :) No anchor bolts planted on the ceiling yet to hold their thottil! :))) ...
The first day when I saw thoppailakshmi crying her lungs out at NICU, all that I can imagine was two really loud stereos, like in the rock music concerts going in full blast singing "WE WILL, WE WILL, ROCK YOU!" ... :))) Barely 2kg, yet she was kalakkufying NICU room! I found that so funny. For some reason I was in a very happy mood that day!!! Hormones really. Or may be I was happy one big responsibility was over!
Rest of the gory details will be released may be in 20 days or in 20 years, I have no idea. :))) ... Or may be I might be so frustrated I might write 20 blogs in a day! :))) ...
Blog written (23/02/09) at hospital and posted by prax (28/02/09).
update as of 28/2/09: kk is off the NICU with mom though in his warmer.
tl is soon to follow. so far- it's as good as it gets...
Monday, February 16, 2009
water break or simply a pee accident?
I didnt think of writing this blog today morning. I thought of writing about how to avoid NICU. I wanted to write I am hoping between a piscean and an april fool to be born. Today morning at the walk for the upteemth time we calculated our weeks and I said "March 10" is good enough - I am in a hurry to get them out and my doctor said after 34 weeks you are good to go! But prax insisted its better on 37th week - after Mar 24, ideally April 1. He was saying we will consider a planned ceasarian it it takes after April 1. This is a regular talk we had been having again and again now, usually the conversation ends by me saying "but you dont have a name yet" and if my mom joins in she says "you havent drilled the anchor bolts on the ceiling yet for the thottil" - tell me about being very unprepared we are the very specimens of it!
But the crazy thing is I had been very tired today morning after the walk and breakfast - tired not physically exhausted or painful, but just very sleepy and slighly nauseated. I ate less than normal lunch and went to sleep - a deep one indeed. I woke up just now at 3:30pm. As usual went straight to pee, because there is always pee ready to happen, finished that duty - emptied the bladder (or so I thought) and entered the kitchen to wonder if I can drink or snack something.
There was barley water waiting, I heated it with more water, waited at the kitchen and added a litte bit of sugar to it and poured it into the cup and just took one sip and guuuuuuusssssshhhhh, "god damn it, I am peeing at 34 in my pants, I just peed and came" thats all I could think and went to the bathroom. Sitting in the toilet bowl suddenly it dawned to me that this could be water break. MAN OH MAN. I am barely 31 weeks old. I didnt smell like urine obviously.
Came and discussed with my mom. She kept asking me if its too sticky. I dont know. I wasnt observing. She said wait and see if it happens again.
"But I dont have any pain! I am feeling absolutely normal, well rested, just now I woke up from a good sleep" ... Didnt expect. Am not yet expecting water break. Hopefully it is not. But a pee accident, damn?! I feel awkward. is it possible?
The kiddor or atleast one is still doing prabhu deva dance inside!
Sitting in a chair and doing google search on "pre mature rupture" "water break" etc. etc. and learning its possible to have such breaks. Only crazy thing is I could be put in bed rest now if its true. SIGH. Or may be if the babies really want to get out right away I have to go to steroid routine or NICU. SIGH more! Hopefully not.
But the crazy thing is I had been very tired today morning after the walk and breakfast - tired not physically exhausted or painful, but just very sleepy and slighly nauseated. I ate less than normal lunch and went to sleep - a deep one indeed. I woke up just now at 3:30pm. As usual went straight to pee, because there is always pee ready to happen, finished that duty - emptied the bladder (or so I thought) and entered the kitchen to wonder if I can drink or snack something.
There was barley water waiting, I heated it with more water, waited at the kitchen and added a litte bit of sugar to it and poured it into the cup and just took one sip and guuuuuuusssssshhhhh, "god damn it, I am peeing at 34 in my pants, I just peed and came" thats all I could think and went to the bathroom. Sitting in the toilet bowl suddenly it dawned to me that this could be water break. MAN OH MAN. I am barely 31 weeks old. I didnt smell like urine obviously.
Came and discussed with my mom. She kept asking me if its too sticky. I dont know. I wasnt observing. She said wait and see if it happens again.
"But I dont have any pain! I am feeling absolutely normal, well rested, just now I woke up from a good sleep" ... Didnt expect. Am not yet expecting water break. Hopefully it is not. But a pee accident, damn?! I feel awkward. is it possible?
The kiddor or atleast one is still doing prabhu deva dance inside!
Sitting in a chair and doing google search on "pre mature rupture" "water break" etc. etc. and learning its possible to have such breaks. Only crazy thing is I could be put in bed rest now if its true. SIGH. Or may be if the babies really want to get out right away I have to go to steroid routine or NICU. SIGH more! Hopefully not.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Gestational Diabetes - Nahin Nahin
The problem with having kids who appear bigger than normal is that, it could be an indicator of gestational diabetes, especially if you are as fat as me, or as old as me! :) I am 34 and right now 76kg+!!! :) But surprise surprise, there is no gestational diabetes - we have done fasting blood sugar and post prandial blood sugar! Actually I was expecting some border line diabetes at least, not just that I was fat before pregnant, and had been fat for at least 10 years before I got pregnant, but both my amma and appa are having diabetes now and are taking tablets!
I was just feeling that I might have at least border line gestational diabetes, if not a serious one, but then it would have been only one more month of medication, since it is only up to delivery, that was a hope! :) But I am surprised that my FBSL is somewhere near 65 or so and PPBSL is somewhere near 75 or so, which is seemingly terribly low!!! The cut off is somewhere at 140! Crazy haan? Anyway, one test out of the way.
I dont have to google search now what it means to my kids if I have gestational diabetes and what is the side effect of taking medicine for that and all that scary crazy stuff of last month!
I was just feeling that I might have at least border line gestational diabetes, if not a serious one, but then it would have been only one more month of medication, since it is only up to delivery, that was a hope! :) But I am surprised that my FBSL is somewhere near 65 or so and PPBSL is somewhere near 75 or so, which is seemingly terribly low!!! The cut off is somewhere at 140! Crazy haan? Anyway, one test out of the way.
I dont have to google search now what it means to my kids if I have gestational diabetes and what is the side effect of taking medicine for that and all that scary crazy stuff of last month!
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